I agree with the others. SD had a great idea of writing a list of the positives in you - and they ARE there.
It seems to me that the main issue right now, and possibly the reason you are dating, is you are seeking your happiness from others - whether you wanting them to make you happy or you thinking you can gain happiness by giving them what they want. And you will not gain happiness that way.
We all say this, but YOU have to make YOU happy. Happiness really does come from within yourself and nowherelse. So, SD's list is a great idea and a first step to helping you realize your own happiness.
You should also take time to forgive yourself and heal. You ARE a very valuable person, even right now, as you may have questions about whether you are worthwhile. Stop asking those questions and realize the answer is positively yes, you are an extremely valuable person with a lot to give.
And maybe that giving is manifested in loving someone else once you have healed. Or, maybe it's in helping others with issues similar to yours.
I do believe Lotus is right that now is not the time for you to be dating or involved. I know that even if I were D'd right now, I would not be ready for that. There will never be a shortage of men willing to take advantage of you. It's up to you not to allow that to happen.
And, please understand, I am not judging you or condemning you. You have been through a lot. You have been had experiences that your H orchestrated that a H should not even think, let alone act upon. You HAVE to give yourself time to heal before you allow yourself to become involved with anyone.
I also think getting on a weekly schedule with your C is a great idea. Make that happen.
You are a worthy, wonderful person who has a great deal to give to herself and others. It's up to you to get yourself healed and to a point to be able to give your gifts to someone who truly needs them.
I will keep praying for you. Please keep posting here. We really do want to help you.
First things first- Happy New Year, everyone. I meant to post that last night and forgot after writing out the other.
Now some journaling in response to the replies above- I didn't see it as dating, dating implies more than the outings I had. I don't know what I would call it other than taking the easy route of going with what's normal and familiar for me. (Although the getting roughed up part was a first- it's never happened before that I said no to something but the guy did it anyways, plus the other crap he pulled that night. Took me over a week to shake that one off.)
I honestly don't know what I was/am thinking or why I'm acting out like this. (The questions I'm asking myself are in the previous post.) I'm also not sure what it takes/means to "heal", like everyone said, or what exactly needs to be healed. Resentment that H was/is so willing, and excited, to give me away sexually to other men? Resentment about H needing "sexual variety" in his life? H said over and over, that it's "nothing personal" about me because we had a very good sex life, he just needed more. "How much more personal can you get? Now, piss off!!" is what I should have said but didn't (Apologies to Monty Python... )
H isn't changing his tune, he's made that clear, so I don't know what or why I'm doing anything right now. Plus he says he stands by his assessment that it wasn't the real me at the first MC session, I'm just not that good so I was obviously coached or acting or something. And he would love a tumble in the sheets with me, go figure... And in the meanwhile, he's bending over backwards to be nice and accommodating, like picking stuff up for me to be comfortable at apartment, or asking if I want this, that or the other thing from the house. He's only mentioned the outside activities a couple of times or so since I left, so maybe I'm making a bigger deal of it in my own head than it needs to be. And I know I really don't have much to complain about compared to others, he's not hurting my kids, me or my stuff, so I think I look like a dumb@ss by posting all this.
I know logically the right thing to do is to have no contact except when it relates to the kids. I'm not even the one initiating the contact right now, and don't engage in lengthy conversation when he does. I keep it civil, polite and brief. I am trying to get this all sorted out in my head. And I am calling again on Monday to get additional IC appointments beyond the one on 1/14.
Yay! Congratulations on putting yourself first and setting up some boundaries *for yourself*. It always feels so good to take action.
I have a friend who told me a saying from Bolivia:
Little step by little step, we go far.
Congratulations on your little step.
SD
Me: 40 H: 43 H had EA from 2/06-9/06 Bomb 5/06 Piecing since 9/2006 3/2008: Boundary setting 7/2009: Boundary crossing~dropped my own bomb. 8/2010: Marriage finally on track!
One step taken- I changed my email and I'm setting up blocks on my yahoo IM. Bunny is going to disappear from these guys.
Good for you.
My favorite saying is in my signature -- every day is another chance to get it right.
You will struggle to rediscover the real SpyBunny. And you will probably stumble from time to time -- we're human beings.
Me: 44, Wife: 39 M: 17 years T: 20 years Bomb on 08/25/09 1/13/10: MC started 1/28/10, 2/8/10: More bombs 8/28/10: Wife moved out No talk of D, no movement
Bunny...IMO it sounds to me like you have become a sex addict. This has happened to you because of the activities you and your H had started, but now it has become part of your brain's wiring.
Do you know much about sex addiction? Do you realize that other addicts like alcoholics and gambling addicts, actually don't enjoy what they are doing. It makes them feel horrible, guilty, and like they've ruined their lives. People sometimes think that addicts use their drug of choice because they enjoy using it, but its not that. Its the fact that their bodies are now addicted to the high from it, but the low that comes afterwards is horrible. So they use again to feel better, then comes the low, then try for the high again to escape the low...this is the addiction cycle.
This would explain why you are still doing something that you don't actually want to do. Also, in addiction, the high that is received is not actually a good thing. Another misperception non-addicts have is that an addict must enjoy this high. Not necessarily. Sometimes the high is just as horrible as the low but the body keeps asking them to get that high again.
Non-addicted people who participate in some kind of drug or activity repeatedly will become addicts over time. This is how I see your case.
I encourage you to discuss this possibility with your IC.
Also...it is common for people who have been sexually abused to become sex addicts. It would seem logical that these people would avoid sex, and some do...but many turn to sex because the abuse was the only way they could receive love.
Please do not think I am being harsh or cruel. Sex addiction is a very serious problem and is not easily solved, but it can definitely be addressed in healthy ways.
I struggle with sex addiction too, but I am now in a happy and committed marriage, having the best and most fulfilling sex of my life...totally monogamous and happy to be so. I have found that there are healthy ways to feed an addiction...just as exercise can be an addiction, but it can also be healthy.
Also...it is common for people who have been sexually abused to become sex addicts. It would seem logical that these people would avoid sex, and some do...but many turn to sex because the abuse was the only way they could receive love
Bulls-eye. I still equate sex with love from H. This occurred to me too while writing out the previous posts (I saw what I wrote about "don't like but doing it anyway" and knew what that meant) and it scared the cr@p out of me.
) 