Deployed Soldier/Father needs your help

[Lotus]

No offense GIMA. I notice misogyny not just on this thread, but several others. There is a thinking that is becoming stronger on the boards to dominate the women, ignore their wants or desires, and go play the field. I understand that many men do need to reclaim their balls because they have let the women get the upper hand in the marriages. But it is possible to go too far in the other direction. We need to keep in mind that our goal is the restoration of marriages where possible, not divorce.

[SoldierDad]

All,

I do wish to work to bring the M back together, but not sure of W intentions now.

I am concerned that she sees me as weak again, and thinks she can just flick a switch, and I will come running. I must regain that back.

I know she is hurting, I could see it in her eyes and her voice. I'm just not sure that she believes that NOW.

I think she felt that way while I was there, but now that I am out of sight-out of mind-I'm not so sure.

I don't want to seem like a fool for wanting my M to work, I know that some here, probably think I am crazy after all that has happened.

[givingitmyall]

No offense GIMA. I notice misogyny not just on this thread, but several others. There is a thinking that is becoming stronger on the boards to dominate the women, ignore their wants or desires, and go play the field. I understand that many men do need to reclaim their balls because they have let the women get the upper hand in the marriages. But it is possible to go too far in the other direction. We need to keep in mind that our goal is the restoration of marriages where possible, not divorce.

No offense taken.

I DO NOT support dating while M'd. Some do. I don't. I took a vow, vows I take very seriously, despite what my W may choose to do. One spouse's immoral behavior does not justify the other one to engage in that as well.

And I don't support encouraging either side of a M to dominate the other.

I DO support addressing and dealing with the "Nice Guy" syndrome (and I'm a recovering one of those too). And, a "Nice Guy" isn't what you may think. If you've read "No More Mr. Nice Guy" you understand what it is.

And I agree with you that the overriding goal is to restore the M, if that's possible. At the same time, either spouse must protect themselves in the face of a threat from the other spouse. And I don't care the sex of the threatening or threatened spouse. If the genders were flipped in SD's sitch, I would still be giving SD the same advice he has received thus far.

[givingitmyall]

I don't want to seem like a fool for wanting my M to work, I know that some here, probably think I am crazy after all that has happened.

This needs to stop too man. No one should think you are wrong for wanting to save your M and keep your family intact. That is an honorable pursuit.

While traveling that path, you must still confront the brutal reality of your W's actions. Can she work through her issues, realize she was wrong, and take the steps to (a) earn your trust back and (b) do everything she can to keep this from happening again?

[SoldierDad]

gima,
Man, I have NO idea now. I really thought a day ago that we were headed in the right direction, but now I am not so sure.

I just feel like I should DO something.

I want to feel good about wanting to make it work, but right now she is making me feel like I did something wrong again.

Is this crap normal? I mean is this the way it's going to go?

What should I expect next from her? To renew our vows??!!

I really want to talk with her, but I know it wouldn't do any good right now. She is dark with me too.

[Gnosis]

Didn't mean to offend, G.

Water under the bridge. I'd like to add that I too enjoy the benefit of the wisdom shared in your posts.

But look at all the military words you used in your post above.

That's because I'm imparting my thoughts in the closest terminology that SD can understand. i.e. From common points of reference.

You describe the relationship as a battle or a war.

This is the way I view it.

- It is a battle to recover a positive mindset
- It is a battle to teach ourselves we will be fine, no matter the outcome.
- It is a battle to disregard the spew and not take it personally
- It is a battle to 180 and remove the obstacles to reconciling.
- It is a battle to overcome the effects of infidelity

In short DB'ing is a psychological war.

I am aware that "all's fair in love in war" as they say. But we need to be able to tell the difference.

I agree.

I notice misogyny not just on this thread, but several others.

Likewise, I notice miso-andry.

There is a thinking that is becoming stronger on the boards to dominate the women, ignore their wants or desires, and go play the field.

Um... I hear what you are saying. And you're talking about the "dating" here. If you pay attention, the cases where this is being pushed are as a last resort technique. Don't forget that same advice is being advocated to the women on this board too. In those posts I've read I have not seen it being pushed to play the field to get involved with another person, but rather as a way to rebuild self-esteem, trigger the jealousy button in the WAs and finally to instill the fear of loss.

I understand that many men do need to reclaim their balls because they have let the women get the upper hand in the marriages.

Thanks for noticing that.

But it is possible to go too far in the other direction.

I agree wholeheartedly. As in everything in life there needs to be balance.

We need to keep in mind that our goal is the restoration of marriages where possible, not divorce.

Agree here too.

There are cases, and I'm NOT talking about SD, where we would be remiss in encouraging delusion because it would be detrimental to the poster's well-being. I for one will NOT be party to that. I call things as I see them. I could be mistaken in what I see, and I'm the first to admit I'm not always right. It is the thread owner's choice and duty to read and discern what is best for themselves.

I do wish to work to bring the M back together, but not sure of W intentions now.

We understand this and that's why you're still here.

I am concerned that she sees me as weak again, and thinks she can just flick a switch, and I will come running. I must regain that back.

Here you are mind reading. None of us knows what she is thinking. Very often WAW's themselves don't even know what they're thinking.

I know she is hurting, I could see it in her eyes and her voice.

Yes, she is hurting. No one denies that. She has issues and problems. The thing is only she alone can work on correcting them... and she has to be willing to do that herself. There are momentary glimpses of reality through the fog. This is why its called a rollercoaster ride, because those glimpses get our hopes flying and then those hopes plummet at terminal velocity when the fog sinks back in.

I don't want to seem like a fool for wanting my M to work, I know that some here, probably think I am crazy after all that has happened.

Maybe so, that's not your problem, that's theirs. Your concern should be you. You're not here to win a popularity contest, you're here to:

1) Work on yourself first and foremost
2) Work on saving your family
3) Work on rebuilding your marriage.

Note: I said rebuild... not save. The marriage and life you had has been destroyed. Your task is to find out if enough remains in the ashes to build upon while regaining your self-esteem and retaining your morals and values.

Man, I have NO idea now. I really thought a day ago that we were headed in the right direction, but now I am not so sure.

See what I mean about a roller coaster? SD it took years for your M to go this way. This isn't an instant solution. It takes time and work to get things back on track - FROM BOTH PARTNERS.

I just feel like I should DO something.

And you are. By doing NOTHING you are doing something. It's a waiting game. If your W is being truthful she will make the changes to herself while you are where you are. She will put in the work to fix herself. Your job during this time is to keep quiet. Wait and see. Watch and pray (Matthew X:X - can't remember). That's what you are doing.

I want to feel good about wanting to make it work, but right now she is making me feel like I did something wrong again.{/quote]
Stop worrying about what she is thinking.

[quote=SoldierDad]Is this crap normal?

Sadly, yes.

What should I expect next from her?

Remorse. Willingness to be transparent. Honesty.

To renew our vows??!!

Maybe. Its too soon to go there.

I really want to talk with her, but I know it wouldn't do any good right now. She is dark with me too.

Glad you know that. You need to leave her alone so she can think. Everything we do has consequences. It's how we live with the consequences that defines us.

[SoldierDad]

It really is driving me nuts not knowing what she really meant by all of this.

How will I ever know if she was sincere?

Can I still set the OM boundary, and expect her to comply? I dunno about this one. I want to BELIEVE her, but how on earth can I possibly do so after all of this.

She mentioned that I need to trust her, that she is taking care of it-HOW DO I DO THAT?? How do I trust her at all?

How do I get her to understand that I don't trust her, but I want to?

I have so much going through my mind. Why did she go dark? Is she scared? Is she undecided?

What should I expect next from her? I would of thought she would contact me by now. I dunno-I'm probably reading way too much into ALL of this.

[givingitmyall]

SD,

Take a deep breath and get control of yourself. You sound panicked. Calm down.

I just feel like I should DO something.

Yep. Cuz you have a set of ball$. We men are fixers. We see a problem and have the urge to DO something to fix it. DON'T. Just BE for now.

I want to feel good about wanting to make it work, but right now she is making me feel like I did something wrong again.

SHE isn't making you feel anything. YOU are. How you react to anything external to yourself is up to YOU. So, stop.

Is this crap normal? I mean is this the way it's going to go?

Don't know, and neither do you. Out of your control, so let it go. You only control YOU.

What should I expect next from her? To renew our vows??!!

If I were you, I would need time to see if her ACTIONS demonstrated she was serious about working on the M. Exactly what the means YOU need, I think only you know that. But, it's going to require patience and resolve on your part.

This is where walking two parallel paths comes in (I stole that from Coach). You simultaneously prepare for the worst (D) while remaining open to working on the M. Choice is her's.

So, please calm down. You have spun yourself WAY up. So, you made a mistake. You can't undo it. You can only go forward from here and do the best you can.

This is no time to meltdown. Keep it together and keep moving forward. Nothing really has chancged with you plan.

[Gnosis]

It really is driving me nuts not knowing what she really meant by all of this.

And this is where you have to get off the mind-reading ride.

How will I ever know if she was sincere?

From her actions this point forward.

Can I still set the OM boundary, and expect her to comply?

Absolutely! But wait for more interaction from her. And don't forget, when setting a boundary you need to be able to enforce the consequences. At this moment you do not have that ability.
IMHO, now is not the time.

I dunno about this one. I want to BELIEVE her, but how on earth can I possibly do so after all of this.

I hear you. Have patience to see what she does is all you can do at this moment.

She mentioned that I need to trust her, that she is taking care of it-

OK, so sit back and watch a bit. Word will get back to you somehow on what she is doing. You will be able to determine her sincerity by her actions.

HOW DO I DO THAT?? How do I trust her at all?

At the risk of upsetting Lotus, you don't. Trust is earned. She is going to have to work on this.

How do I get her to understand that I don't trust her, but I want to?

Wait. The time is not right for this.

What should I expect next from her? I would of thought she would contact me by now.

Wait.

I dunno-I'm probably reading way too much into ALL of this.

Yup. This is why we wait.

[Gnosis]

ROFLMAO.

GiMA I feel like we're a tag-team here. SD, chill dude, just chill.

With that said, I'm going out to grab a bite to eat, catch a movie and have some fun. SD, suggest you do the same.