Deployed Soldier/Father needs your help

[Gnosis]

Didn't mean to offend, G.

Water under the bridge. I'd like to add that I too enjoy the benefit of the wisdom shared in your posts.

But look at all the military words you used in your post above.

That's because I'm imparting my thoughts in the closest terminology that SD can understand. i.e. From common points of reference.

You describe the relationship as a battle or a war.

This is the way I view it.

- It is a battle to recover a positive mindset
- It is a battle to teach ourselves we will be fine, no matter the outcome.
- It is a battle to disregard the spew and not take it personally
- It is a battle to 180 and remove the obstacles to reconciling.
- It is a battle to overcome the effects of infidelity

In short DB'ing is a psychological war.

I am aware that "all's fair in love in war" as they say. But we need to be able to tell the difference.

I agree.

I notice misogyny not just on this thread, but several others.

Likewise, I notice miso-andry.

There is a thinking that is becoming stronger on the boards to dominate the women, ignore their wants or desires, and go play the field.

Um... I hear what you are saying. And you're talking about the "dating" here. If you pay attention, the cases where this is being pushed are as a last resort technique. Don't forget that same advice is being advocated to the women on this board too. In those posts I've read I have not seen it being pushed to play the field to get involved with another person, but rather as a way to rebuild self-esteem, trigger the jealousy button in the WAs and finally to instill the fear of loss.

I understand that many men do need to reclaim their balls because they have let the women get the upper hand in the marriages.

Thanks for noticing that.

But it is possible to go too far in the other direction.

I agree wholeheartedly. As in everything in life there needs to be balance.

We need to keep in mind that our goal is the restoration of marriages where possible, not divorce.

Agree here too.

There are cases, and I'm NOT talking about SD, where we would be remiss in encouraging delusion because it would be detrimental to the poster's well-being. I for one will NOT be party to that. I call things as I see them. I could be mistaken in what I see, and I'm the first to admit I'm not always right. It is the thread owner's choice and duty to read and discern what is best for themselves.

I do wish to work to bring the M back together, but not sure of W intentions now.

We understand this and that's why you're still here.

I am concerned that she sees me as weak again, and thinks she can just flick a switch, and I will come running. I must regain that back.

Here you are mind reading. None of us knows what she is thinking. Very often WAW's themselves don't even know what they're thinking.

I know she is hurting, I could see it in her eyes and her voice.

Yes, she is hurting. No one denies that. She has issues and problems. The thing is only she alone can work on correcting them... and she has to be willing to do that herself. There are momentary glimpses of reality through the fog. This is why its called a rollercoaster ride, because those glimpses get our hopes flying and then those hopes plummet at terminal velocity when the fog sinks back in.

I don't want to seem like a fool for wanting my M to work, I know that some here, probably think I am crazy after all that has happened.

Maybe so, that's not your problem, that's theirs. Your concern should be you. You're not here to win a popularity contest, you're here to:

1) Work on yourself first and foremost
2) Work on saving your family
3) Work on rebuilding your marriage.

Note: I said rebuild... not save. The marriage and life you had has been destroyed. Your task is to find out if enough remains in the ashes to build upon while regaining your self-esteem and retaining your morals and values.

Man, I have NO idea now. I really thought a day ago that we were headed in the right direction, but now I am not so sure.

See what I mean about a roller coaster? SD it took years for your M to go this way. This isn't an instant solution. It takes time and work to get things back on track - FROM BOTH PARTNERS.

I just feel like I should DO something.

And you are. By doing NOTHING you are doing something. It's a waiting game. If your W is being truthful she will make the changes to herself while you are where you are. She will put in the work to fix herself. Your job during this time is to keep quiet. Wait and see. Watch and pray (Matthew X:X - can't remember). That's what you are doing.

I want to feel good about wanting to make it work, but right now she is making me feel like I did something wrong again.{/quote]
Stop worrying about what she is thinking.

[quote=SoldierDad]Is this crap normal?

Sadly, yes.

What should I expect next from her?

Remorse. Willingness to be transparent. Honesty.

To renew our vows??!!

Maybe. Its too soon to go there.

I really want to talk with her, but I know it wouldn't do any good right now. She is dark with me too.

Glad you know that. You need to leave her alone so she can think. Everything we do has consequences. It's how we live with the consequences that defines us.