Hey Maria, i hada little scrape with my GF as well...LOL....must be something in the stars (right ali?). Hope you guys made up the way we did LOL!! For the record, what sparked our fight was me saying something stupid like it is fine to be in touch with your emotions (and all the stuff going on around us) but it is new year's eve damn it, stop wallowing in it! That did not go over well...so you see whatever your H said or did not say, i am sure it was not THAT bad!
All the best in 2010 Maria and everyone else tuned into this bat channel!
It was that rare New Years Eve Blue Moon. The next one wont be until 2028 so you all have about 20 years of safe New Years Eve celebrations without conflict.
Hi Lisa!!! Good to hear from you girl! We need to catch up!
Happy New Year again everyone! Make it a good one.
Happy or comfotable unhappy? We are comfortable unhappy at the moment. Maybe unhappy is a bit strong but the truth is we are both walking on eggshels which makes it practically impossible to be happy now. I realised I am expecting some kind of a break through but it doesnt happen. Still no intimacy with H. After the fight we had a civilised evening in front of my family and our kids and exchanged gifts in private. I got H a book about football, a nice Boss polo shirt to wear with suits and a Sony frame with 100 of our pictures loaded. And I included lots of pictures of myself, not just the kids. Unfortunately many had time stamps and they were taken during his A while he was crazy about that woman and "I was sleeping with my shoes on" as we say. He bought me a Burberry's scarf and a wrist purse. He told me about a DG pair of shoes that tried to get me but they didnt have my size. At least his gifts are getting more...personal. Still not a word, not ILY, no new year, new begining speeches. I had written him a small card saying "I had different plans for NY Eve but our fight cancelled those. So, I just wish you to find what you are looking for and that you get where your heart wishes to be"
We slept at our corners and then next morning I initiated a convo. During our fight I used on purpose one of his fav phrases "you are the worst person I have met in my life and sadly I married you" Yeah I know... He didnt take it well and he was even more hurt when I said he just "plays the good person he is a rotten person inside" . Again something that really hurt me years ago. So, when we talked I asked him if he remembered how many times I had cried myself to sleep after being told I had a chitty soul etc etc... I think he got the point although I promise, my intention wasnt to hurt him, he just Pi$$ed me off BIG time...
Anyway, he said he cant see the future in 3 months time. He has no idea how things will be but he thinks the difficulties we are facing are normal. He said having a fight isnt the end of the world and we should just deal with it and make sure we are not hurtful to each other next time.
He said he is blocking her email and asked me to help him do it. I tried to be graceful and said "ok, thanks, we'll do that later, lets talk about us now" so he cancelled the logging to his account and I missed my chance to have his password thru my keylogger Better luck next time I guess, I will be sly not graceful... LOL
He has been eager to arrange things for us as a family with friends, going out to eat etc etc. We sometimes have a good time. Most of the times, I am fighting images and dealing with triggers. It does get easier. But I need to let go of the principle that letting it go, means he gets off the hook easily. I guess I am looking for some...justice. Right over happy? Always try to ask myself that question.
Our D's wishes included a Barbie doll, a real tree and...her dad to move back in. So in the car today, she asked if he knew her wish. He said he read it and she asked him "so, will you make my wish happen?" Point blank. He said with no hesitation "I want to" and she asked "what's stopping you then, I've been a pretty good girl last year?" To that, he failed to answer. My son has been quiet. He watches, notices, registers what's happenning. He told me 3 nights ago "I know you guys are trying, just know mom, I am not taking things for granted". His way of taking the pressure off me. A REALLY incredible kid. I know, as he grows up, I wont have to tell him anything, he will know.
Tonight H is playing cards,a tradition to play cards here around New Years. He called to let me know and made sure I had the number where he is at. He asked if I minded and I suprised him with a "what? dont be ridiculous, have fun!!" I dont mind.
My goals include Transparency Loving acts stop preaching him find a good MC set a day/night time per week we have on our own dealing with "her" stop intimidating him
The last few days it dawned on me: he is scared he will loose himself. He is terrified he has to give up what he gained by leaving. His "rebel act" would go wasted in a way, you know? He already told me o nce "you are manipulating me so well, I dont know which way is up anymore, and so soon!!!" He always said I am a strong willed person (guilty), tough girl(far from the truth, if he knew how much he influences me, he would be shocked), overwhelming character (partially guilty). The more he IS "here", he is holding on to himself stubbornly, unfortunately in ways that dont help us reconnect. I may have to talk to him about this because in some ways I have the same feelings. I dont feel he is an overwhelming character, but he always had this effect on me where I am trying to smooth out my self/expressions to match his "passive" character. Trying to be more like him while what got us together initially was that we were complementing each other, we were never the "same" (couldnt STAND another me!!! LOL!!).
We need help communicating. We are BOTH judgemental in familiar ways from the past and we both have said noumerous times lately to each other "I am not how you assume me to be". Telling huh? I wish Retro was in Greek, sigh!!!
Anyway, I think that was too much for now. Take care everyone, some people have a lot less than what we have and guess what?: They are happy! K
I think you are very right that he is scared. Hopefully he will come to understand that you don't want him to lose his identity, but I don't think that he understands that yet.
I wish I had a clue about how to help him to understand that.
Hey Maria, I know I am no position to even suggest to you what you should and should not say, however, you may want to add something else to your new year's goals....stop saying things that will hurt him .... for example"
<<During our fight I used on purpose one of his fav phrases "you are the worst person I have met in my life and sadly I married you" Yeah I know... He didnt take it well and he was even more hurt when I said he just "plays the good person he is a rotten person inside" . Again something that really hurt me years ago. So, when we talked I asked him if he remembered how many times I had cried myself to sleep after being told I had a chitty soul etc etc... >>
What possible good can come out of this???
Oh and you never got into the reason fro this new year's eve fight....I am curious.... :-)
Glad to hear there has been some progress with H. It's very easy to fall right back into old patterns (it's happened in my sitch too). Try to be aware of the old ways that didn't work and slowly change them. You have to take the lead on this since you're the one that's done all the reading and grown from all that's happened. Your H has a long way to go to catch up to you. He needs your lead to guide him to some of the positive steps he needs to take.
Me47 H46 S13 M16 Piecing since May/09
"Life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we react to it." Lou Holtz
Yeah I know... He didnt take it well and he was even more hurt when I said he just "plays the good person he is a rotten person inside" . Again something that really hurt me years ago. So, when we talked I asked him if he remembered how many times I had cried myself to sleep after being told I had a chitty soul etc etc... I think he got the point although I promise, my intention wasnt to hurt him, he just Pi$$ed me off BIG time...
Better luck next time I guess, I will be sly not graceful... LOL