Thanks Nut. I think my contributions to the marital problems were:
-using intellectualization when mad. My wife calls it "being holier than thou" -being judgmental of her smoking (and some of her friends) -not learning enough about her banking job (she complained that I didn't know who anyone she talked about was, though I'd never met most people at her bank) -not attending to my work hours (I frequently worked late nights 3 or 4 nights a week) which made my wife feel that her job was less important (she was home to let the nanny go at 6. I took that for granted since I make so much more money than her) -investing my emotional needs in my work and patients. -overriding her wishes on parenting choices (unintentionally)
I am assuming that you were a doctor when she married you. Much of this comes with the territory. Having said that, doctors are in the business of giving orders...and that can carry over into other relationships. The hours you guys work can be really hard on relationships. I know several who make it work, but they are very careful to attend to their marriages.
Social smoking is not reasonable for a mother of 2. It affects the family, and you are within bounds to criticize it.
Originally Posted By: Norseman05
So I can see that i have work to do. I don't think it warrants her spitefulness and affair. But maybe that's where I can put my energy, esp. with the New Year around the corner. Dbag is somehow meeting her needs. I guess that's my job.
Nothing you've done warrants the affair or the spite.
Originally Posted By: Norseman05
Its hard to draw balance those two things-being able to better meet her needs while drawing that line in the sand on her behaviors. I guess it's called parenting?
That's an interesting analogy. People are often more circumspect about their parenting than about their other relationships. We set boundaries with our kids based on our values and we do our best to enforce them. Those are healthy behaviors in any relationship. The key with adult relationships is to have those boundaries without being didactic about them.
