What can I do to save my marriage? Help

[Sleepy]

Yesterday I had an appointment with the counseling ministry of my church. We talked about a lot of things and he is well aware of the anger currently plagues my W. He encouraged me to pray for guidance and I did.

The plan last night was to go out and have a wild time with MYSELF. As I thought more about it and pondered R2C’s last words to me, I thought that doing so would be more of the same behavior: selfish. What I really felt I needed to do was to stay home and be with my family.

My W confronted me about my plans and asked in a threatening manner, “ Why aren’t you going out?” I said that I don’t feel like it. She kept pressing me. I told her that she would laugh if I told her the truth. She said she wouldn’t. “Tell me”. I told her that “God has guided me to stay home with my family tonight.” She laughed.... and so did I saying “see I told you that you would laugh.”

The rest of the evening went well and we both watched TV together. We were pleasant and acted as friends.

This morning I was compelled to look at her phone for some reason. I still don’t trust her. She has a trip planned alone to Phoenix to run the Rock and Roll Marathon this month. I don’t feel comfortable with it and she knows how I feel but still she insists on going. She is really looking forward to it. I am on call that weekend and the kids will be shuffled around to grandmother and other folks. When I asked if I could go with her, she claims she needs me to be at home with kids.

I look at her search history and she was looking for things to do in Phoenix. On it were Hummer tours, climbing Camelback mountain..... It just didn’t add up. Going to Phoenix by herself taking tours and climbing a mountain the day before a seemingly important race. If it was that important, you need to rest and take time off your feet.

I confronted her in the morning and told her that I was still uncomfortable that she go to Phoenix by herself. I asked her what else she planned on doing there. She said that she was going to do the run and come home. Then I pressed her about the internet search regarding the tours and mountain climbing. She made some excuse. “Yeah, I just don’t want to sit in the hotel room all day.”

This again, just didn’t add up. I regrettably told her that I didn’t feel that it was the right thing to do at this stage in our relationship and if she went she could just stay out and not come home because I would change the locks on the doors. This was controlling and I later retracted this statement.

The conversation went on and on. She professed that she was going alone and she needed this time to herself. If she were having an affair that she would be held up in the hotel room the entire time having sex. I know better than that now. For her, touring and having quality time with an other person would be what she craves not a weekend of sex. That is her fantasy ..... the sex would be something that she would give in return that evening for the quality time that was shared that day.

I said if she went that would I agree to the divorce and I would see a lawyer the next week. This seemed to disturb her. It was like, hey not so fast. She was upset that I don’t trust her but who could blame me. I want so much to believe her but it just doesn’t seem right.

I am following Robx’s advice and agreeing with the divorce, selling the house, and letting her progress with her fantasy. Somewhere I feel there is a hesitancy on her part. She cries when I am firm about moving forward. I validate her thoughts and I’m unemotional. This is what she wants, then lets do it.

I asked her if there are areas where she doesn’t trust me. She said that she “doesn’t trust that I will protect and take care of her and that I have changed." "Things will always be the same." I was sorry that she felt that way.

I told her I could get in touch with a real estate agent and get the home on the market ASAP. She wants to wait until the spring. I said that we should see a counselor before we see a divorce mediation attorney. She agreed.

I don’t think my W really wants a divorce. Like Robx has said, she is testing me and doesn’t trust that this change is for real. She wants me to be a real man who she can count on to protect her and respect. I feel much better about where things are now and I understand her position.

With all this said, I need some advice. OK DBusters, where should I go from here?