I suck at boundaries and still need a lot of help in that department - Look for Coach as well since you already requested Puppy & Sandi - One of them will be along to help you...
Like most guys, it was only after I got a 2x4 across the head that I woke up. I now fear it is "too little, too late". I worry that once the separation agreement is finalized we really have no reason to talk. No kids, no financial ties, separate friends.
Accept that this is a possibility.
Acknowledge that there are some things you may not be able to fix with a "My bad", even a really sincere "My bad".
In no way am I saying that you should give up, or that you don't deserve to be forgiven, or anything like that. It's awesome that you are seeing what you didn't see before and working hard to fix your end of things; so many people never get to that point even when they are whacked upside the head with the 2x4.
Even so, in scrambling to "fix it" before she slips irretrievably away from you, beware of devaluing or minimizing her pain -- which didn't happen overnight -- in a desperate search for an 11th hour solution that meets *your* needs.
She may come back, and she may not. Let go. Do what you now perceive that you need to do to become a better man and husband either way.
I have a question regarding the OM. Should I be setting a boundary given the following:
- W has already moved out. - W has taken all of her items. - No Contact is currently in effect. - She is pushing for formalized separation agreement.
GHM,
Very good question. This is very difficult to do when they are in full walkaway mode. If it were me, I would still attempt to, however, with something like the following:
"Wife, you say you want space, and a formal separation agreement. And I know you have some legitimate complaints about my role in the dysfunction in our marriage. I acknowledge that, and as you know i am working on my issues, and I hope that in time you will learn to trust that my changes are for real.
"I am willing to go to marriage counseling with you to try to save our marriage. I think we may both regret it someday if we don't do everything we can to try. But I'm not a fool, and I need to be clear with you. I cannot respect your decision to cut-and-run like this, and I damned sure can't respect your decision to involve a 3rd person in our marriage. (at this point she will try to stop you, and lie to you). Put your hand up in the "stop" position, and say "Please stop --we both know you're lying to me right now, so let me finish.
"You need to know that I will not share you with another man, and I will not be your friend if you choose to end our marriage this way. Whatever is going on with this guy, it needs to stop, but I realize that I cannot control you and I have no desire to. Just know that I will not be agreeable to a separation until such time that you've REALLY worked on our marriage with me, without the involvement of a third person. If you refuse to end that, then I will have no choice but to protect myself as much as I possibly can. I do love you, but I won't be made a fool."
And then I'd walk away.
If she tries to deny OM, say "Please stop lying to me. It's incredibly disrespectful to me and to our marriage. When you're ready to speak to me honestly, we can continue the conversation. As for the legal stuff, I think that would be best if we left that to our attorneys."
That's what I would do. And then I would spend the next two weeks finding out everything I could about OM. Who he is, what he does, is he married, what it is he does that attracted my wife.
I would combine a hard legal stance and hardline confrontation/exposure, with loving detachment, GAL, 180s and working on my own issues.
Thank you for your post. It helped tremendously. There are couple of additional details that may be relevant. My wife and I are already in MC that has become more IC. It is our only source of communication. As far as the separation agreement, my wife has proposed me a really good deal where she is not coming after any significant assets. If I hold out and this gets messy with lawyers, things will definitely get a lot worse for me financially. It is definitely in my best interest to sign this deal while her motivation (guilt) remains. Let me know your thoughts.
My thoughts are currently to sign the separation agreement right away, spend a couple of weeks gathering intel and then confront. The problem is at that point I have zero leverage except for exposure.
My concentration for work is non-existent. My W is constantly on my mind. I pray a lot. I pray for God to give me strength, to give me wisdom, to work within my heart to help me become who I need to become. I also pray for my W. I pray that that the holy spirit would guide her and work within her heart. I pray that God would guide and direct her during this time. But it feels like I have this dark cloud that just hangs over my head.
I spoke with a DB coach today. She suggested that since I was such a jerk in the marriage a 180 for me would be to act lovingly to my wife regarding the separation agreement which I did.
I sent her an email acknowledging that I was open to her proposal for the agreement and that if there were other items in the house that she needs, she should let me know. Obviously no response from her.
I am ready for the 2x4's if I screwed up by not being aggressive per Puppies advise.
