how to 180 when you've been too independent?

[avermont]

Happy New Year, all.

I made it through all the way to 11:57 mountain time; called a friend back home Eastern time who was celebrating at the local watering hole.

8 year old nephew stayed up; we were watching Animal Planet.

My sister brilliantly suggests we watch the ball come down. I said no, please, then agreed to the last few minutes.

Fell apart as the camera showed all the happy kissing couples.

Pulled it together to say Happy NY to the nephew and congratulate him on staying up so late.

Sobbed again, then went out for a walk.

It is a brilliant full moon out, there, just barely cold enough; the moonlight reflecting off the snow was dazzling.

And--I finally found my anger. Given that I am known for having a short temper and prone to angry fits about whatever, it has been very strange that I have not felt anger to my X this whole time. I have only felt remorse and regret for all the things I didn't do.

I didn't have anything to break, tear, or smash, so I just beat the towel I had brought along to cry into against the road. And cursed him soundly and roundly. Finally felt the justifiable anger that is my right.

I know anger is part of the healing process, so I was hoping it would come eventually!

I hope finding this emotion moves me along the path of healing and detachment. Add in a good run in the morning, and I will feel better.

Thanks for listening--I hope you are all sleeping peacefully and wake to a better day in the morning.