Asking the questions you're asking is the first step. What if you started keeping a journal? Writing is powerful...it will help you think and begin to transform your life.
One thing I'd really like you to do, and I only ask you because it was totally helpful for me, is to make a list of positive things about yourself or things you like about yourself. It's not an easy task, but it's important to start changing that voice (quiet or loud) in your head that is putting you down. Then carry that list with you everywhere you go. When the voices kick up or when you're giving in to negative thinking/harmful behaviors, take it out and read it. Read it every morning when you get up, and read it every evening before you go to bed.
And while you're at it, cut yourself some slack. I honestly believe that most people are doing the best they can with the resources available to them in the moment. Honey, you've been abused for so long it's a comfort in a weird way to return to "normal." Post-traumatic stress...anger at H...anger at Bunny...who knows?
Last thing: on Monday, you call your IC's office and start to schedule an appointment every single week for as long as they'll let you. My IC let us schedule six appointments at a time; once that was done, I just scheduled another one six weeks out so I always had six appointments stacked up. You've got a lot of work to do...and it won't do to have once a month appointments.
You are a wonderful, valuable human being, remember that. Warts and all, you are ALREADY valuable. Now is time for Bunny to heal and find all of that our for herself.
I know it doesn't feel like it just now, but a year from now, on the cusp of 2011, you will be a stronger, healthier, happier woman. We're here for you in the meantime.
(((Bunny)))
SD
Me: 40 H: 43 H had EA from 2/06-9/06 Bomb 5/06 Piecing since 9/2006 3/2008: Boundary setting 7/2009: Boundary crossing~dropped my own bomb. 8/2010: Marriage finally on track!
