Good thing I have an IC appointment this month, I’m gonna need several of them. Lots of questions for me to figure out.
Why am I continuing to allow these guys to use me? I don’t like, it doesn’t make me feel good at all, and nothing good comes out of it. So why- Am I trying to get H’s attention by doing so? Trying to get somebody’s attention? Am I settling for just anybody’s attention? (And no, I didn’t take pics for him.) Am I trying to get revenge- he didn’t care who I slept with, so I’ll show him just how many I can sleep with, especially since his luck is so lousy? Am I looking for the point where he decides, “OK, that’s enough”?
Am I still hearing and reacting to H’s voice? “It’s just sex- get yourself out there, you just need to adjust your attitude, I said it’s OK and I encourage you to do so.” So- sex is not much different from joining a bowling league- a good night there is bowling a 280, socializing with others, having a few drinks and having a good evening. Here, a good night is you get laid, socialize with others, have a few drinks and have a good evening. But I don’t feel like they were good evenings. I’ve even had an all-out bad evening too- one guy got way out of hand and really roughed me up- it was bad. Again, why am I doing this- why am I still reacting to H’s BS? Am I punishing myself? Is my self-respect that low? It must be… This behavior is what got positive feedback from H and others even though it made me miserable- why am I still reacting to that? It still makes me miserable, I feel really hollow inside, so why?
Like I said, I’m embarrassed to admit all this and put it out for you all to see, I can’t tell anyone IRL except the IC and that’s not for two weeks. I feel like I’m sinking, I know my thinking is mixed up somehow and I need help, but nobody can really help with this.
