I know you guys all know what this is like and from what I read you are all being sooo very STRONG in your sitch's.
Don’t kid yourself. We all have weak moments, and so will you. When that happens, bounce back.
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Believe me I really am trying. I'm not sure I can do the 'single' thing though, after 23 years this is what I am.
I can so relate to this. I, too, was with my WAW for 23 years. I’m fairly new here, but I’ve already learned much. You’re going to get a lot of advice. Don’t be overwhelmed. Digest it carefully. Stay calm. Take your time.
As hard as it is to hear and digest, Sandi is right. When you’ve been with someone as long as we have the relationship becomes a huge part of your identity in your mind. This is very natural, but not very healthy. The marriage is not who you are. It does not define you. You won’t get that into your head overnight, but you can and will get it.
When I first came on this board, the thought of being single scared the sh*t out of me. Yet, I was being told, “think single”. For those of us who have spent half our lives with our spouses, we don’t even remember what it feels like to be single. And that takes us WAY out of our comfort zone. In fact, that aspect alone can be terrifying. But, believe it or not, you CAN do it.
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It just burns me up so much not knowing for sure.
This is another thing that is going to be hard to hear and even harder to do. When you’re focused/obsessed with what she is doing, the focus is ON her and OFF of you. This will make you crazy, dude. And more importantly, it will prevent you from doing the very things you need to do IF you want to save your marriage. It’s paradoxical. You need to get that. You won’t get it all at once, or just by reading this post. This is going to be a process.
You’ve entered the Twilight Zone. Nothing is at is seems and all your natural responses will likely be the wrong ones. Talk. Listen. Learn. Be patient. Be strong. You will make it through this.
Thanks Norm, I read your sitch and like everyone, I'm sad that you and all of us are meeting like this.
Two things stood out to me. The first is that Time is on our side - what's a year or so of limbo to get to a 50th anniversary.
Second is really think before you react.
My WAW has said she wants us to stay friends after all of this. (Sorry don't know how to quote from another post so I'm just copy/pasting this bit)
“You have been blessed never to have a spouse walk out on you. When a spouse walks out the one left behind is overwhelmed. The feelings of rejection are devastating. The pain of loss is so deep, so intense and profound that words fail. The pain is unspeakable. It is not unlike losing a parent. There are no worlds to describe it. It is very difficult to think of the person who has inflicted, and continues to inflict, this hideous pain on you as a friend because no real friend would ever hurt you like that. When you say you want us to be friends, you really have no idea what you’re asking.”
I'm at the stage now where if W was to 'see the light' so to speak I'd really be looking at the paragraph above seriously before answering.
Take care
H: 44 W: 42 Married: 23 years Bomb: 16/07/2009 PA Confirmed: 16/01/2010 Over it & working on ME: Feb'ish 2010
Thanks Norm, I read your sitch and like everyone, I'm sad that you and all of us are meeting like this.
Two things stood out to me. The first is that Time is on our side - what's a year or so of limbo to get to a 50th anniversary.
Got that right, brother. You/we just have to decide if it’s worth it.
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I'm at the stage now where if W was to 'see the light' so to speak I'd really be looking at the paragraph above seriously before answering.
You should NEVER say that!! That was a while back and I was just venting my thoughts. I refrained from saying it and I never will. It shows WEAKNESS.
This is the paradox. Yes, it is how you may feel. And, feeling that way doesn’t make you a bad person. In fact, it shows that you’re perfectly normal. But, whiny, clingy, needy is never attractive.
You take care my friend.
Last edited by Norm914; 12/30/0903:35 AM.
H: 50 W: 48 Married 20 years Bomb and separation: 9/12/09 A discovered 12/02/09 http://tinyurl.com/yctnhec
OK I've read the first three chapters of DR. There is so much in there for the WAW as well as the LBS. Why is is a bad idea to see if she will read it ?
H: 44 W: 42 Married: 23 years Bomb: 16/07/2009 PA Confirmed: 16/01/2010 Over it & working on ME: Feb'ish 2010
OK I've read the first three chapters of DR. There is so much in there for the WAW as well as the LBS. Why is is a bad idea to see if she will read it ?
B/c she will think all your changes are fake and merely a trick to get her to stay. She will think you are just following a script.
DON'T DO IT. I agree there is useful information in the book, but that information is only useful for someone who wants to learn - and the WAS isn't in a mind set (a) to believe they are wrong about their decision or (b) work on the M.
The books are like your "game plan". You wouldn't show the opposing team your game plan, right? Besides, WAW's do "not" want you to suggest they read anything about MR or to watch a video or listen to a CD. Don't even leave it lying around where she'll see it. Just a word of warning that it will do damage if you try to do it.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
