Interesting that coach made Greek do it even though he was filing. My W has a heart of stone. She didn't blink an eye when we talked to them about me moving out.
OK. I am going to get up and go home and then go out from there. I'm not sitting her any longer.
Me: 47, Ds 17-13, D final 6-11 http://tinyurl.com/yk4e2tz http://tiny.cc/thread2 http://tinyurl.com/ydtphqu http://tinyurl.com/thread4 http://tinyurl.com/3sm78k6 http://tinyurl.com/thread6
Interesting that coach made Greek do it even though he was filing. My W has a heart of stone. She didn't blink an eye when we talked to them about me moving out.
OK. I am going to get up and go home and then go out from there. I'm not sitting her any longer.
Oh. Sorry. See then that doesn't work for me if I file. I was fully prepared to let W break the news if she filed. But of course, she doesn't appear as if she's going to.
Me: 47, Ds 17-13, D final 6-11 http://tinyurl.com/yk4e2tz http://tiny.cc/thread2 http://tinyurl.com/ydtphqu http://tinyurl.com/thread4 http://tinyurl.com/3sm78k6 http://tinyurl.com/thread6
Oh. Sorry. See then that doesn't work for me if I file. I was fully prepared to let W break the news if she filed. But of course, she doesn't appear as if she's going to.
I got the same issue as you. Just b/c I might be the one to file, it doesn't mean I agree with her decision to want a D. And I dont think who files has anything to do with it. It's the one who wants the D who should shoulder the burden of telling the kids, moving out, etc.
Well, I don't know why, but deep down I feel it's wrong unless there's at least a filing in place. So for me that's the next step. But I also don't want to date someone just to get W's attention. That's not fair either.
I understand and respect that. Up until a short time ago, I would not encourage it at all. What I am saying here is that if your W has any of her feelings left whatsoever, then human nature dictates that showing your attention to another female will spur emotions in your W. You see it as "dating" and being wrong while you are legally M. I am not telling you to get into another R with a woman, but if you just had a female friend to go to dinner or a show with. It would only be fair to tell the friend that you are not looking for a R and only want a casual, friendly dinner or show (whatever). But I don't think you really understand the full scope of what I'm trying to point out.
I want to address what you said....and maybe some others....that the board's success rate, or D rate is not good. That sounds a bit unfair considering that most people are almost in shambles when they arrive. Almost ever single LBS says how they wish they had known about this board before the messed up.
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this is where the boards differ from the DB and LBS rules. One of the main rules is to not force an R talk, make them come back to you.
To take the step out of Limboland that you attempted and GIMA is getting ready to do you must force an R talk
No not like the kind of R talk you are thinking about. At least not in my opinion. I see it as moving on. If the WAW wants to talk, then he can decide to engage or he can say what he is going to do and leave her with the facts of his decision--and no discussion about the R......it's too late for that. Everything that could be said about the R has been said at that point.
There is a difference in forcing a R talk and causing a crises for the WAW. If I remember (and it has been a while since I read the book) I think DR talks about that. Anyway, the LBH moving on with his life.....should push the R out of limbo. It usually causes a crisis-like sitch for the W.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I disagree on the few nice guys succeed. What about Coach?
That tells me that you still do not understand where we are coming from when we use the term "nice guy". Coach was not a jerk, if that is what you mean.....but I do not recall reading anything about him having the passiveness that our description of "nice guys" have.
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I get frustrated with the boards because so many focus on busting the affair, busting the affair. What if there is no affair? And in any case, that again puts all your focus on W.
No....no....no. "You" are putting the focus on the W--or else you are not understanding the purpose of busting an A. I do not recall reading a single LBS stitch who came to the boards...who did not have all their attention on the WAS. The first thing we try to do is get their focus off of the WAS and onto themselves and how to improve their quality of life.
The largest difference in what the books teaches and the opinion amoung a lot of the board memebers does have to do with busting the A. If you don't want to bust the A and go on like you don't know anything....that's your business. However, the reason so many recommend busting the A is b/c of what they have experienced, but it is still up to you.
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My job is to get to the point where I don't care about her choices except when it comes to the girls.
Absolutely! Knowing what your job is--should be the best place to start.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I understand and respect that. Up until a short time ago, I would not encourage it at all. What I am saying here is that if your W has any of her feelings left whatsoever, then human nature dictates that showing your attention to another female will spur emotions in your W. You see it as "dating" and being wrong while you are legally M. I am not telling you to get into another R with a woman, but if you just had a female friend to go to dinner or a show with.
About three weeks ago -- when I was in full snoop mode -- I left my Facebook page up at the house. I'm over there after school and the girls use my FB to play Farmville, Yoville and the like.
Normally, I make sure the after-school lady shuts it down. This time, I didn't remind her.
The next day I checked her computer history and she'd gone over my entire FB site. She checked out messages between me and a lady friend from before Thanksgiving. We were going to an event as friends along with two others. If you didn't know that, it could look like a date.
She then went to my friend's page and then checked out all of her photos.
I thought that was interesting.
Me: 47, Ds 17-13, D final 6-11 http://tinyurl.com/yk4e2tz http://tiny.cc/thread2 http://tinyurl.com/ydtphqu http://tinyurl.com/thread4 http://tinyurl.com/3sm78k6 http://tinyurl.com/thread6
She then went to my friend's page and then checked out all of her photos.
I thought that was interesting.
That's what I'm telling ya! But more than likely, you made the fact known on your FB that it was a friends only type of thing. If she had thought you were seeing another woman, then she would have forgotten all about her OM.
I am not telling you to lie to her or anyone else. I'm saying that if you were "mysterious" about what you did and who you saw......it would spark something in her. I'm just telling you how women are.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
