Deployed Soldier/Father needs your help

[MichelleLT]

Please be careful.

Puppy is right to warn you.

It's too fast. Too sudden. Too much of a 180. And you are still gone for a few months.

She may very well be trying to manipulate you because things are not working out how she planned - trying to get back some control over the finances and make up for some of the face she lost in court.

Her actions, not her words, will show her intentions.

Don't hold your breath. Expect her to slide back into alien mode, and expect more spew.

[Frosty Michael]

I agree with Puppy and MichelleLT! Even if she feels sincere about trying to make things work right now it took a long time for her to get where she is and it will take a long time for her to go back. She will go back and forth, and the lifestyle she's adopted is addictive to her. Be careful and keep your legal defenses up as you try to "work things out".

[SoldierDad]

Well, I am back "in country".

There is so much to tell-where do I begin?

The day before I am scheduled to fly, W sends me a text asking if I wanted to meet for a drink. I cautiously agree.

We meet in a very public restaurant/bar. I am looking my best, and she looks great when I see her.

We get a table in the bar, and it begins - tears, questions, spew, reaction to my questions-she constantly deflects.

We continue talking for a few hours, and she asks me to come over to the house. I agree, and I follow her home.

Once inside the boys were stunned, and started asking all sorts of questions. We told them we were just talking.

Well, we ended up sleeping together. Afterwards, we talked until the sun came up.

All of these emotions and feelings were going through my mind, and almost everytime I started to speak about the issues I had-she would change to what I had done.

It was difficult at best trying to talk about some of what has happened. Well, bottom line was-we agreed to do the work for our marriage-counseling-whatever it took. I felt pretty good about what we had discussed.

I set a boundary for her to end all contact with OM. She agreed, but as far as I know that has NOT happened. She said he is out of the country W his M. She said she would end all contact when OM returned. Not sure I beleive that.

Also, we both agreed to counseling and whatever else we needed.

Tonight, I called home and she immediately started telling me that she was bothered by what the boys were telling her about some things I had said/done etc. It just seemed like she did a 180. I think I recognize this as spew.

Then in the middle of our phone conversation tonight-she became angry, and hung up, and will not return my calls.

She doesn't seem ready to accept what SHE has done-but is so quick to lay out all of my faults and things I did in the past to help with the demise of the M.

I don't know what to do, I think I really screwed up, and am not sure what to do to get things back on track.

My friends, I want to get back on track, and save my M. Please help me.

Also, wanted to add, I thought it was strange that W got angry tonight-New Years Eve and all. I really want to call the house at midnight tonight-I had told her earlier that we would ring in the New Year as a family-and she thought that was great, but I don't think it is a good idea now.

[givingitmyall]

Ok. This...

Well, we ended up sleeping together.

is NOT good. You need to let your L know this happened. I don't know about your state, but in mine, this has the potential to erase everything you had on her to position yourself in your D. And I fear, hope and pray, she did not do this for that very reason. But, I'm concerned about this.

Sorry, but I have to smack you again. Tell me. What did she do to earn you back? To earn your trust, respect, love? It doesn't sound like anything. And if she doesn't have to earn you back, she knows she has you.

The fact she refuses to acknowledge any fault for where your M is is very troubling. That, coupled with her apparent 180 during your last call with her.

Man, I am offering criticism to help you here. You can't unring the bell. But, like Puppy suggested, this just doesn't pass the smell test.

[SoldierDad]

gima,
She did nothing to earn me back. It was stupid. She made me feel like she wanted to work on the M. I really feel awful for allowing it to happen.

I feel like I really screwed up, and I have no idea what to do now.

We had agreed to put the D on hold until after counseling.

I will notify my L asap.

She acknowledges fault, but she has a way to deflect it, and turn it back on me. She accepted responsibility for her actions, but it just didn't satisfy me.

I don't know what to do now, and I am really confused.

What have I done? Is there anything I can do to repair this?

[givingitmyall]

At this point, I would act as if everything with you is fine. Get back in the mentality of I'm fine if you want to leave.

For the time being, and especially since you two will not be around each other, let her decide, by her actions, where she is going with D or working on the M. If she's serious about working on the M, you might suggest (after talking to your L) that she see a counselor. But, and this is critical, she has to want to see a C. I also wonder if you guys could do MC sessions where you phone into them. Is that possible?

Ok, so you made a mistake. You're human. Just be really careful. Given your W's bitterness and actions, I just don't trust her. And I don't even know her. I would keep a very close eye (if you can) on whether contact with OM continues.

The others will probably have some more advice. Especially puppy, coach and greek. I will defer to them.

Just dial any expectations you have way, way down. No pursuit, beggin, pleading, any of that.

[SoldierDad]

gima,
Ya the first thing I thought of was no pursuit.

I can't believe that I let my guard down. It all seemed so right. We were saying all the right things. It was so stupid now that I look back on it.

A moment of weakness, and everything I worked so hard at, seems to be destroyed.

I will not contact her again, until she initiates-then it is strictly business.

Any other advice gima?

I let a bunch of folks down with my actions, I want to repair what I've damaged.

[givingitmyall]

I let a bunch of folks down with my actions, I want to repair what I've damaged.

No, you haven't. You don't owe anyone here a thing.

Just learn from it. Easy to understand how it happened. Just accept that it did, and don't get down on yourself.

Get your guard back up. If she convinces you she's ready to work on the M, and you want to, then remain open to that. Regardless, keep looking out for you.

If she calls you/txts, I would be polite, but keep it brief. You got sh!t to do. She needs to chase you.

[SoldierDad]

gima,
Great advice-thanks.

Oh, I think I've learned, but the hard way.

After talking with her, I do beleive she does want to work on the M. BUT, she seems to want everything on her terms, and that just isn't going to be possible in my eyes.

I wanted to add. The day I flew, W took me to the airport, got a visitor pass to come upstairs with me to the terminal, and sat with me for 45 minutes over Tea and coffee. We cried some more, and then when we began boarding, she wouldn't let me go. She squeezed me so tight, and looked into my eyes and said she was so sorry for all of this. I dunno, she seemed so genuine.

But now that I am away again, I am thinking she might want to go back to her old ways-not ready to give it up yet-I am just guessing here. Out of sight-Out of mind you know?

[givingitmyall]

Try not to worry over what she might do. I understand your concern.

It may be that she IS sincere about working on the M. I don't think you can expect her to be ready to accept 100% of her part of the fault just yet. She may need to get through some reflection/C to sort through that. My point is it's too early to tell if she's being truthful or not. So, guard stays up for now.