well, You did the right thing!! having sex with him you cant let him cake eat!! really your giving him his dream (sex from two women) and you both know about the other one!
hate to say it but cut off the sex! (YOU ARE NOT TRYING TO WIN HIM BACK WITH OW IN THE PICTURE)
as for the house he might be seeing it several ways IDK I know my WAW has this really big problem not doing the exchanges here for some reason she thinks she has to come here.. and last week when she dropped the kids off she was in the driveway and was happy for some reason when i opened the garage door to let the kids in the house.. (Memories of better times??) my point is there are prob lots of reasons and a MLC WAS is so confused I doubt they even know.. its just something they feel
I think you may be right WL. I think that he is weird about the house as well. However, this morning, I had the world's worst backslide because he pressed the issue on coming back to the house. I lost it because he told me that it was over with OW and has been for weeks. I know for a fact this is not the case. He only said this to get back in the home because I was so dead set against it. I told him that he lied to me for the last time. He even called OW while he was in the house and I freaked out! I found out she is calling herself his girlfriend and we aren't even legally separated. I said there is no room in this marriage for 3 and then he called laater on in the morning and said he was done with her for good. Actions speak louder than words and he's such a good liar now that I don't believe him. We will see. He also said he's trying to work on himself so he can come back to the marriage at some undetermined date. I love my husband with all of my heart, but am I supposed to wait until he's done being a total jerk. I can't sit around for 5 years and feel like I'm always second best to his new wonderful life and his girlfriends. I have thought very seriously about confronting OW and exposing A to her family. I don't know what to do. When in the world is this going to stop being sooooo hard!
I had a huge backslide yesterday and I confronted the OW. Not good, I know, however, we compared notes and he had been lying to her as well as me and she was VERY upset that he and I were still ML. I also did something a little out of character. Since she is 22 and still living off her parents, I did tell her that if the relationship and communication did not stop then I would send all my PI stuff to her mom and dad. Was this a huge screw up???? I couldn't help myself because they were rubbing their affair in my face. H doesn't know it yet, but he's in for a real rude awakening with OW I'm pretty sure. She was terrified at the thought of all of this being made public to EVERYONE.
The action you took could back fire in your face. How?
1. It could very well push them together even more so. He may opt to get a place of his own and have her come live w/him.
2. He very well may now push for a divorce...the sooner the better.
All I can say is this, he is going to be furious when he finds out. Are you ready to take that anger on this morning?
Laying the serious stuff aside, you sounded more like his mother than his wife when you mentioned that you would send the PI information on to her parents. You've got to get yourself out of the "mom" mode. You are not his mother. They are two consenting adults and most likely don't get a rat's behind what her parents think. She will find a way to spin the web to make it look like you are the irrational one in this mess.
I suggest that you now step back and allow the drama to unfold that you have set in motion. I advise you to be prepared for his anger and the threat of a divorce very soon.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I am sorry to say this but even if the OW breaks it off with him you are pushing him to look for someone else and away from you. It is not bringing him back to you. That he has to decide.
Just read a little about your sitch since I am back to the boards for the first time in a while - started here in 04.
Anyway, I have learned through much trial and error that the less you get other people involved, the better. I know it's hard. But if you do send pics to OW's parents, what is your intended outcome? If you are trying to possibly reconcile with H now or the future I think you can anticipate this would most likely get him angry and embarrassed.
My XH left me for his secretary. I was in a similar situation as you when XH wanted to be with both of us at the same time. I wish I could have done alot different so that is why I am back on the boards.
Keep moving forward with your life. As Snodderly advised, try to treat him like an old friend. I do agree to draw some boundaries with sleeping with him again until you know he is done with OW. For me, it was just a self respect factor. But that is your call.
The more you GAL and concentrate on yourself, the better. As far as comparing notes with OW, that's a toughie. Sure, it will piss her off but obviously she takes scraps or she wouldn't be in the sitch she is in. That being said, you don't want to do the same and let him cake eat. It's a matter of integrity. And, by getting involved and speaking with OW is just going to get H mad, too. Try to think about the outcome of your behavior before you do it. Believe me, that is not something I did too often!
Also, forgive yourself! We all backslide. It's normal. With so much drama going on it is simply exhausting. Do the best you can to forgive yourself and take a mental breather from the drama. Disengage for now and when you feel yourself backsliding again - have a plan B. I know when I get pissed at my XH I have the "24 hour rule" on not responding. I may write an email to him but I will not send it for 24 hours. Most of the time, I end up deleting it.
I have to go back and read more on your sitch but I wanted to lend you an ear and some a little bit of advice.
You sound like a strong, articulate women so make sure you praise yourself each and every day for what you are doing right! It's so important to do that especially when so much of our lives are centered around the rejection.
Well sweet carolina sistah, let me chime in here. Don't let the others shame you into feeling bad about contacting OW. Yes, the general rule of thumb is to leave the OW alone, but each sitch is different, including the ages of all parties involved, the length of the marriage, and how smitten the WAH is with the OW.
Every cheating man's nightmare is the W and OW getting together and comparing notes. Yes he will be mad. I spent the first year of the bomb being "nice" and "understanding" and trying so hard not to make H mad. Where did it get me? H now lives 200 miles away with the Catbitch (as I so fondly call her).
The suggestions to deal with MLC can be head scratching sometimes and I think if you were on the Infidelity forum you would be hailed as a hero. Look up Gucci and Puppy Dog Tales for a different take.
Yes, you should act rather than react. Yes, you should wait at least 24-48 hours before responding to anything H throws your way. But I think you followed your gut here and you should stand by it.
When he confronts you with his anger say something like "I did what I feel was the right thing to do. I believe in you and I believe in our M but I will not tolerate continued disrespect".
As far as I've figured out - the only 2 absolutes in DBing are: Do not pursue and GAL your ass off.
Now step out of the picture and let the A follow it's natural, self destructing course.
Me 56 H 47 Married 21 years No children Bomb & moved out 4/07 "My feelings have changed" & "I want to live by myself". Ow Bomb 8/07 H filed 6/08 D final 2/05/10
you cant let him cake eat!! really your giving him his dream (sex from two women) and you both know about the other one!