Wife wants best of both worlds

[dwinter82]

I do, but she would have to be willing to bring a lot to the table.

What kind of timeline would you reccomend? She has been with the OM for about 5.5 months. At what point in time do you say, ok they are the real deal, and call it quits. When she does introduce the kids to the OM, then what? Continue with the family time approach?

[MHL]

I can't recommend a time, that is up to you. Have you read DR yet? Michele sites cases where there has been infidelity for years and the marriage survives.

I say use the family time, absolutely, 100%, Fight for your marriage, don't give up. She has not told the kids and I think the more you guys do as a family the more she will feel guilty about what she is doing. You know your wife, is this the woman you married or the alien? Remember the A's never last.

I totally broke up my W's second affair by contacting the OM's W and she caught them redhanded in bed. That sent my wife to rock bottom and she is climbing back up.

If you want her back, fight for her but you have to do what works and what you have been doing is not working. You got to do some deep soul searching here and ask yourself this....Would I rather be right in my principles and be without her the rest of my life or do I want to swallow my pride, principles, whatever and one day have her back in my arms again and have the type of marriage that most people never even dream of?

Personally I am going for the later, I think you want that too. Look at the positives things, remember keep a Positive Mental Attitude!!
I am leaving work in a minute and will check back in later tonight. I am spending New Year's with my kids and will be at home. HANG IN THERE.

[dwinter82]

I guess the timeline thing is a wait and see what happens, and then figure out the next step. I like the concept that family time is now a 180 so I am on board. This is where acceptance and GAL, as well as focusing on myself and not the R, is going to be very important. I do not want to set myself up for more of what I have been going through this week so, caution is the word of the day.

So, I took today off to spend it with the kids. The W came over to pick them up this afternoon (she has them today and tomorrow). When she came over, I proposed to her that we all have dinner together tomorrow to celebrate new years. She agreed and said that sounded nice. She then made the comment that she was going to be painting her new house over the weekend. I told her that I did not have too much planned with the kids and that we could come over for awhile and help. She nodded and smiled but did not say anything. I am guessing she already has help and we all know from whom. This is going to be the hard part with this approach...dealing with aspects of her life that I really do not want to know about.

acceptance, acceptance, acceptance...I going to get this tatooed on my butt tomorrow.

so what is the current status of your situation? Have a great time tonight with your kids!

[ClingingToHope]

She then made the comment that she was going to be painting her new house over the weekend. I told her that I did not have too much planned with the kids and that we could come over for awhile and help. She nodded and smiled but did not say anything. I am guessing she already has help and we all know from whom.

Ooooh, I would not offer to help with her new place. That sounds weak to me. Inviting her to dinner is pursuing as well, but I've done that a couple of times at Christmas.

[dwinter82]

Ok, do I let her initiate family time (she probably will not)? The last thing I want to do is pursue, just to be her friend. That is what I was trying to do.

[MHL]

I fight the same demon on the pursuing thing. Personally once in a while it is okay but it needs to be her idea next time. I am glad you will get to spend time with your family tomorrow night. Remember to be superdad and be attentive to her. Ask her about herself, anything at all, work, new house, movies etc. and shut and listen to her. Focus on her, look her in the eyes, smile, compliment her on her looks do all the things you would do if you were on a date with a new girl, pull out her chair, open the car door if you ride together. Try butterfly touches on her back as you open the door to the restaurant, help her with her coat, you get the picture. We husbands forget all this stuff after the wedding but the ladies eat that stuff up.
If she has been with OM for 5.5 months I guarantee he has already stopped that stuff.

[ClingingToHope]

Actually, I'd argue with missherlove on this. I would not be super attentive to her. I'd be super attentive to her family and the kids. You don't want to come off as a kiss-ass. You already tried to get time at her house but was shot down.

In the DB rules, this kind of stuff is pursuing big time and a real turnoff.

I'm not saying ignore her, but shine with everyone else. She'll be watching.

The touching is a big thing. I'd really, really, really think about that.

[MHL]

Speaking of the OM, am I to understand that your W has the kids tonight so it is safe to assume he will not be with her on New Year's Eve, Hmmmm, I wonder why? What else do you know about him? I think you said he was never married, right? I would think that if this romance is so great then why did she not arrange for you to have the kids tonight so she could be with OM? Trouble in paradise? Does OM have OW? Doesn't everyone want to be with the one they want to kiss at midnite?

[MHL]

CTH,
I am not suggesting going overboard here but I think that women all want to be pursued by men and want to feel desired. I know this approach is contrary to 99% of what is on the boards here but it has worked for me and I realize everyone's sitch is different but if what you have been doing isn't working then why not try something else? What do you have to lose. Experiment.

DW82, I was also thinking on the painting thing, you guys were in front of the kids when you asked if she needed help right? I think this further confirms that she is not ready to introduce OM to kids, why? If he is so great and the future is so promising with him why not tell the kids. She still knows the R with him is wrong.

[ClingingToHope]

My point is if she is still hot and heavy into the A with OM, then showing extra attention and the touching might work in reverse.

I guess I'd wait for a signal or comment that the affair is winding down before starting the pursuing.