I plan to, but this is where the boards differ from the DB and LBS rules. One of the main rules is to not force an R talk, make them come back to you.
You are absolutely correct, don't force a relationship talk.
Flip things around. If you were in your W shoes and had all you needs taken care of (supposedly) why would you change a flipping thing? Why at this point would your W want to talk about the relationship. Nothing is wrong.
_________________________ Me-41 W-39 M-15 yrs T-17 yrs D-12 S-9 S-8 B 5/08 S 1/09
So C-Bart, here's a question. Would you just spring a filing on her? Wouldn't it be polite to at least ask her whether she wants to work on the M and if she does not then I'm going to file because we need to get things spelled out on paper?
You told your W you were filing. That forced an R talk, didn't it?
Me: 47, Ds 17-13, D final 6-11 http://tinyurl.com/yk4e2tz http://tiny.cc/thread2 http://tinyurl.com/ydtphqu http://tinyurl.com/thread4 http://tinyurl.com/3sm78k6 http://tinyurl.com/thread6
GIMA, same question to you. When you lay down your plan, will you ask whether she wants to work on the M or will you just say "I've made a decision to move on." ??
Me: 47, Ds 17-13, D final 6-11 http://tinyurl.com/yk4e2tz http://tiny.cc/thread2 http://tinyurl.com/ydtphqu http://tinyurl.com/thread4 http://tinyurl.com/3sm78k6 http://tinyurl.com/thread6
Have you asked her before? Does she know where you stand? I'm working under the assumption that the answer is yes to both of these questions. Has she made an attempt to talk about the R? Would anything be different now than in Oct?
I think springing it on her would be better than asking her permission. You're back to being concerned about her.
As far as my sitch its a bit different. My W filed in March and sat on the papers for months. When she did tell me I completely lost it and had a huge nice guy fit. Tried all kinds of things to get her to change her mind. Guilt. Pleading. Threatening, etc. I resorted to all the nice guy tactics that used to work. I'm not proud of the way I acted but it is a defining moment in my life. Once I calmed down I started to accept the reality somewhat and started to take charge. Her response was to come running back, not all the way but to a point. The point she was comfortable with; coming by my house whenever she wanted, not financial responsibility, etc. This cycled several time like this. My last pull back she pulled out all the stops. Its amazing to me how much trouble one person can go through to avoid a commitment. Anyway I digress.
My biggest problem has been the inability to stick to the plan. I drop the rope she picks it up and hands it to me and I grab on for dear life. Why? Because I'm afraid that I can't live without my W. Stupid I know. I already am.
My personal opinion is you have other options than D. Figure out what you want to do. Go dark, re-negotiate the finances, move home, move towards 50/50 custody, whatever. Whatever you do its because you decided it was best for you.
_________________________ Me-41 W-39 M-15 yrs T-17 yrs D-12 S-9 S-8 B 5/08 S 1/09
To take the step out of Limboland that you attempted and GIMA is getting ready to do you must force an R talk.
No, you don't. I was confused on this issue at first as well.
But, the discussionI had with my W earlier this month went something like this. W, I only see two, and ONLY two, alternatives at this point. Either work on the M or take it apart. You've told me you don't/won't work on the M, so that only leaves me one alternative.
Next move is to make a plan of how to move to an amicable parting (or at least as close to one as possible). Get your ducks in a row. And that means finding out what post-D looks like for you financially, visitation wise, etc. Once you have your plan, then sit down with W and show her what it will look like for both of you. Not to convince her to stay in the M, but to lay out the reality that will follow her decision. I would be willing to bet it isn't anything like what she's imagined.
W, this is a plan of what I'm willing to do. You have a week to make a decision on whether this is acceptable.
If she remains in limbo and can't make a decision, then you will have to be the one to file.
It's not what you want, nor I, and you can remain open to working on the M, IF SHE COMES OUT OF IT. At the same time, you can't wait on that anymore. Waiting got you where you are right now. And it isn't going to get any better with age.
A good friend told me a story recently to illustrate why we have to move forward. It involved a bunch of marines pinned down on a beach. These guys were hiding behind the only cover they had, which were a bunch of wood pilings driven into the ground.
Well, teh enemy was destroying the pilings gradually with their mortar fire and bullets so that eventually, there would be no more cover. Many of the marines were paralyzed.
An officer was working his way through his pinned down men and was trying to get them to advance onto the beach, towards the enemy. Understandably, many of the men refused - that's were teh bullets were coming from. The officer told his men they could remain behind the pilings, but would eventually meet CERTAIN death or they could advance to the beach where they at least had a CHANCE of surviving.
When you are stuck in limboland, you are just like those marines who remained behind the pilings. Uncomfortable as it may be, your only chance of surviving is to lead you and your W out of limboland. If you don't, there is a slow death awaiting you. If you do, you don't know where it will lead, could end up in D, but at least you have a chance.
GIMA, same question to you. When you lay down your plan, will you ask whether she wants to work on the M or will you just say "I've made a decision to move on." ??
See my long winded post above. But, it isn't a R talk unless you are talking about where are we, where are we going, will you work on the M. Simply b/c it involves your M does not make the discussion a R talk. I got tripped up on this for a while.
Telling her you have made a decision to move forward given that she refuses to work on the M is not a R talk. It is you leading. And it is done calmly, with no anger or resentment. Very matter of factly. Strength, not "I'm pissed off/hurt, is what you want to project. If you don't want me, ok. But here's the reality of where this is going.
So, NO, I will not ask my W if she wants to work on the M. She has made that very clear. She knows where I stand and she can always let me know if she changes her mind. But I cannot change it for her and will not wait any longer.
I am still not ready for that conversation. That's what I'm preparing for.
And that's ok. Just keep moving forward mentally to get yourself to that point. Focus on what is holding you back At its core, I suspect it's fear. Was for me.
Waiting for a call from a friend to go out. I'm going to at least get out for one drink.
Here's a question to C-Bart and GIMA and others who ended up filing. How much did the kids play a role in the decision or the timing.
D10 is a great girl and really wants us to get back together. She sees how well we got along at Christmas and is just jazzed at the possibility.
I have not done a good job of dampening her enthusiasm.
A few weeks ago -- even after I told her not to ask W things like this -- she asked W what was going on with us.
W refuses to talk to her about our M at all. What she told D10 was that when she decides she's going to tell me about it first because it affects me most of all.
By filing, I'm not just giving up on the M, I'm giving up on her dream.
Me: 47, Ds 17-13, D final 6-11 http://tinyurl.com/yk4e2tz http://tiny.cc/thread2 http://tinyurl.com/ydtphqu http://tinyurl.com/thread4 http://tinyurl.com/3sm78k6 http://tinyurl.com/thread6
But, to address your other questions. You cannot control any of the effect this will have on your D. That sucks, but it is not something you control.
Which is why I like Coach's way of informing the kids of the D (and what I have told my W will be the case for us). He made Greek tell them and tell them in such a way that she did not indicate he agreed or joined in HER decision. Greek has said this made a big impression on her. At the end of the discussion, Coach looked at his kids and said do you have any questions of me? He was there to support the kids.
Obviously, the kids play a HUGE part in all of this. They were the reason I needed to be able to say I did everything I could to save the M. And one day when they ask me what happened, I want to be able to tell them the truth - they deserve it.
Kids or no kids, I cannot make my W love me or want to work on our M. None of us can. I don't want to get D'd, but what's the alternative? My W has said she does not want to work on our M and has not lifted a finger to end it either. Sound familiar?
