Wife wants best of both worlds

[MHL]

We were together seven hours, the most we've been since we separated.

The next day, I felt like a drug addict on withdrawal and I've had an extremely rough few days since.

So well put, time with the WAS is like a drug. I spent 8 hours with my W the Saturday before Christmas shopping and having a good time. The next day I was a mess.

I still think that being their friend or being friendly is the key to the road back.

Dwinter know it feels like being a doormat but most of the success stories I have read in this forum about a WAW describe swallowing your pride and being kind to your spouse despite what they are doing or have done. If she is willing to be around you, then I say take the opportunity to show her the "real" changes you have made.

[ClingingToHope]

I've been hammered by some on these boards for being too nice and the nice guy approach doesn't work. So what's the opposite? Being an ass. That's just not me.

I like coach's advice of showing unconditional love. I'm following the non-pursuit rules and I'm going to stop snooping -- it just hurts my own self esteem.

After all, we want a happy healthy marriage, not one based on lies.

If I have to be a jerk and spy on her to satisfy my own issues, that's not going to work either.

Easier said than done though. Lord, I can't wait to get out of winter so I can get outside again.

[dwinter82]

My W's response to the whole parent issue is that she would not feel comfortable coming by to say hi since so much time has passed and that maybe in time things between them will work out. It's funny but this has been my idea from the beginning. Let some time pass, as well as some of the hurt, and then try. I only reached out to her becuase she has been so upset about the whole thing and I did not want there to be addtional negativity. She does not seem to understand how her actions effect other people. I think she is actually blaming me for all of this...I do not get it.

I saw her today for the kid exchange and was very upbeat and positive. It actually makes me feel better to be positive.

[MHL]

Way to go dwinter!!!! I think that is just great. I felt exactly the same way when I started treating my W with love in spite of what she has done. You have also demonstrated that you can be her friend by trying to help with sitch between her and your parents. Yes it is absolutely, 100% her fault but she is not in her right mind, have pity on her, she does not know better. Remember she is a drug addict, and she is high on the feelings of the new R.
Just watch out, the lows are lower and a little harder to work through but you get through them. Come here to vent and get support, don't tell anyone what you are doing, it would get back to her and your back to square one. Keep being upbeat and positive with her, don't over do it. The next time you see her or talk to her ask her about her day and shut up, watch what happens. People love to talk about themselves and they love to be with people who listen to them, you can be that person. Read Love Languages, speak her language whatever it is.

[dwinter82]

I have been positive around her for sometime now...3-4 months. During that time not much changed but on occassion I would get a really nice Hi when I called or a question about how I was doing. Maybe these were baby steps but hard to know for sure. I do know during this time the R with the OM has become much more serious so to be honest my pevious efforts seem fruitless. When I found out about how serious things had become I decided to change my approach (very limited contact and friendly but not friends) and she seemed taken back by this. She did not say anything but I could tell it effected her.

So, does the nice guy (friends), non-pursuit approach work? Well, it does give her the best of both worlds. She can be in love with an OM and be friends with her ex...I would want that if I were in her position. I guess when it comes down to it, I would rather be friends with her than enemy's, especially for the kids. I have the burden of pulling that off and if I can, I think that is something to be proud of.

Acceptance is key for me right now...

[MHL]

Dwinter,
I feel for you and feel your pain personally. I try to find the positives in everything and focus on those things instead of the negatives. The positives I see in your sitch, 1. She has not told the kids about OM, which means she is still embarrassed by her poor moral choice, she knows it is wrong. 2. Scared to reconcile with your parents for the same reason, the affair is ongoing, how can she reconcile if she is still sinning. 3. The D process has slowed down, yes she is cake eating but I think that shows that she is unsure of her decisions.

I just finished another book by Gary Chapman called "Hope for the Separated". In it he says that tough Love is in order when your spouse is being unfaithful, and I do agree, but does your W know what it feels like to be loved by you or does she remember. I think you should be or act like her friend and get the R you have with her to the point where some honest conversations can take place. This also gives you time to do some more accepting and GALing, make yourself into the man she was attracted to long ago, show confidence despite her actions, be the better parent. She will notice, then jerk the rug out from under her if you need to, you may not even have to do it, she may drop OM on her own. But if not, go the Tough Love route, and you can make a stand. I have read plenty of statements on these boards that you could make to her that set boundries and you can communicate it in a loving way.

Well, it does give her the best of both worlds. She can be in love with an OM and be friends with her ex...I would want that if I were in her position. I guess when it comes down to it, I would rather be friends with her than enemy's, especially for the kids. I have the burden of pulling that off and if I can, I think that is something to be proud of.

Acceptance is key for me right now...

If I can make one other suggestion, forget about the fact that she is getting the best of both worlds. Yes it is not fair, it sucks big time. But your attitude, words and actions up to this point are exactly what she would expect. By being nice and friendly you are doing a 180 on her. Obviously you still love your wife and want her back so you are just doing what it takes to accomplish that goal, and staying focus on that will help you swallow that pride.

I try not to look down on my wife, I try to look at her as an equal that has/is making mistakes in her life. One day she will thank me for standing guard on our marriage and not giving up and I know your W will too!

[dwinter82]

When you say "jerk the rug from under her" do you mean stop treating her like a friend if I need to.

I do not know if I could give up the tough love act. It helps protect me and lets her know what divorce is really like. I do not have a problem swallowing pride (for the family), but how can I let go of a relationship while trying to maintain some of the status quo (e.g., dinners out)?

She understands why I have refused family time...it is not fair to me. I do not like the "victim" image that sentiment portrays. There is a fine line here and I'm seem to be having a hard time finding it. I also think it is important to keep your pride so at a miminum respect is achieved.

What other 180's could I try? Your input has been great!!!!

[MHL]

When you say "jerk the rug from under her" do you mean stop treating her like a friend if I need to.

Yes, only neccessary contact kids, money, etc. but you tell her why. You could say, "We are still married and you are involved in an adulteress relationship and while I want to be your friend and I would prefer to work on and save our marriage, I can no longer stand by and condone this behavior, it is destroying our family and hurting our children. Therefore I will have very limited contact with you and only as neccessary for the kids until you end this relationship."

I know this is contrary to what is often advised on these boards but being friendly and nice first instead of Tough Love IMHO lets the WAW see your changes first so that she will see what she is giving up b/c of her decision to continue the A.

She understands why I have refused family time...it is not fair to me. I do not like the "victim" image that sentiment portrays. There is a fine line here and I'm seem to be having a hard time finding it. I also think it is important to keep your pride so at a miminum respect is achieved.

What other 180's could I try? Your input has been great!!!!

Why are you refusing family time? THERE IS YOUR 180 !!! you even say "she understands it". a 180 is something that she would not understand, like having "family time", the 4 of you together, just like old times. Let her really experience what she is missing. When you are all together, be attentive to the children, make them laugh and have a good time. Be attentive to her. Also remember when your W is with you and the family she is not with OM. Don't you think OM will get jealous??? He will start wondering what is she doing with her H??? Are they getting back together?? Will he get mad and act out?? Maybe he will move on to someone else??? If she is willing to do family time, DO IT NOW !!!!
I am sorry to say what I am about to say, but screw your pride. That pride might very well have gotten you where you are today.

I It helps protect me and lets her know what divorce is really like.

You can not show her what divorce is like, she will have to find that out on her own. You are trying to control her and what she thinks, only she can control herself and what she thinks. Let go, you are desperately trying to control everything and the tighter you squeeze the more out of control your life becomes.
I am sorry for the 2 X 4 here, but you got to start doing what gets you results. Make yourself feel good in other ways, working out, hobbies, doing things with your kids etc.

I know you are having a tough time, I am too right now. It is gut wrenching, it is the hardest thing we will every do in our lives, ever!! I read 1 Corinthians 13:1-13 to guide my actions and words towards my W. I do love her so that is my instruction manual.

[dwinter82]

I understand what you are saying and you are right, it is contrary to other advice I have received. I do not feel like I am trying to control her or what she thinks at all. I am simply standing up for my principles. If she wants to D and to be with someone else, then that also means the family dynamic is going to change.

You are right that going back to some family time would be a 180. However, this would be extremely hard on me and would not help with the moving on process at all. I do not want to start feeling good about things when they really are not, and then end up at the same place I am at right now 4 months later. This is a big risk and of course is based on the assumption she would be willing to do family time...she may not. Focusing on other apects of my life would be critical during all of this. Also, is it fair to the kids to have family time when in reality it is just a facade?

[MHL]

Do you still want your W back? That is the real question, if not then you are probably headed down the right path. From reading your thread here I get the impression that you want her back??