LR - you are a hoot! Ok, I get it - the lingere is for me to feel good inside - not just to make H curious. I think it would be a horrible betrayal at this point if H felt I was out dating someone else, as we are now in piecing and I have told him I want to work things out together. However, feeling and looking attractive can only help~
Since I have not been able to go out and shop, I dangled some of my cutest undies in the bathroom - just for a tease! Let's see if he notices.
Thank you for the reminder - yes of course he is testing me and seeing if he can get me to react with the going out. And yes, calm cool and collected are the only way to be through that. I'm too busy making myself happy to care - right? Well that's the goal, anyhow. Need to kick myself out of bed and get out and enjoy. Having S home from school this week is a major boost! I keep making plans for S and I without H - and if H shows up, that's an added bonus, but not a game changer.
The panic comes from a fear of abandonment. Also when H is verbally abusive. Like clockwork I feel myself shaking when H is to come over - out of the unknown if he will be calm or attacking. Now that we are in MC, I intend to bring this up, although I have been working on the listening and validating first to help H relax and open up.
Embarassment that my M is all wonky - yes. I live in a wealthy area, (but am middle class myself) so there are a lot of "Perfect looking" families out there. I need to work on my own feelings of being different, embarassed, etc.
I also fear abandonment - I was on my own since 15 - so being left is the biggest anxiety producer for me. I'm making it a goal now to work on calming myself as much as possible, instead of looking for any acknowlegement from H to soothe me. Great advice.
Waiting 24/48 hrs is great advice, I need to tatoo that on my forehead! When I do, I often find H is more approachable, I am less attacking, and sometimes a miracle occurs - H actually approaches me! So waiting to calm down is essential - thank you for the reminder. Sometimes it feels like I need to do that daily!
LR, I really appreciate your coaching here. THank you so much! After reading your sitch last night, I can see how far you have come - from H and you talking maybe once every two weeks, now he wants to come home. Great job! I trust your instincts on how to make this work.
