Wife wants best of both worlds

[MHL]

When you say "jerk the rug from under her" do you mean stop treating her like a friend if I need to.

Yes, only neccessary contact kids, money, etc. but you tell her why. You could say, "We are still married and you are involved in an adulteress relationship and while I want to be your friend and I would prefer to work on and save our marriage, I can no longer stand by and condone this behavior, it is destroying our family and hurting our children. Therefore I will have very limited contact with you and only as neccessary for the kids until you end this relationship."

I know this is contrary to what is often advised on these boards but being friendly and nice first instead of Tough Love IMHO lets the WAW see your changes first so that she will see what she is giving up b/c of her decision to continue the A.

She understands why I have refused family time...it is not fair to me. I do not like the "victim" image that sentiment portrays. There is a fine line here and I'm seem to be having a hard time finding it. I also think it is important to keep your pride so at a miminum respect is achieved.

What other 180's could I try? Your input has been great!!!!

Why are you refusing family time? THERE IS YOUR 180 !!! you even say "she understands it". a 180 is something that she would not understand, like having "family time", the 4 of you together, just like old times. Let her really experience what she is missing. When you are all together, be attentive to the children, make them laugh and have a good time. Be attentive to her. Also remember when your W is with you and the family she is not with OM. Don't you think OM will get jealous??? He will start wondering what is she doing with her H??? Are they getting back together?? Will he get mad and act out?? Maybe he will move on to someone else??? If she is willing to do family time, DO IT NOW !!!!
I am sorry to say what I am about to say, but screw your pride. That pride might very well have gotten you where you are today.

I It helps protect me and lets her know what divorce is really like.

You can not show her what divorce is like, she will have to find that out on her own. You are trying to control her and what she thinks, only she can control herself and what she thinks. Let go, you are desperately trying to control everything and the tighter you squeeze the more out of control your life becomes.
I am sorry for the 2 X 4 here, but you got to start doing what gets you results. Make yourself feel good in other ways, working out, hobbies, doing things with your kids etc.

I know you are having a tough time, I am too right now. It is gut wrenching, it is the hardest thing we will every do in our lives, ever!! I read 1 Corinthians 13:1-13 to guide my actions and words towards my W. I do love her so that is my instruction manual.