Hope and heartache

[ClingingToHope]

Robx. I made some poor decisions when this first happened. I admit that. She's lived entirely too comfortably.

The big thing at first was I didn't want her to lose the house. Without some help from me she can not afford it. But I found out I don't want to live at the level I'm living at and I want my girls at a 50/50 level.

I will be making changes this year. The big thing is I don't want to borrow money to pay for the retainer ($2,500). I'm in enough debt. So I've been saving, saving, saving. I'll have the money by the end of February and I'm preparing myself mentally to file for an S or a D.

The house is a major obstacle. We are underwater on it. I'm actually glad I moved out in that respect. It is a major financial and time drain to maintain.

My attorney did tell me the money I'm paying now could be a problem in the future. I may have to slug it out. I'm prepared.

Sandi. Did I lose her respect? Yes. These past three years, she's tried hard to push me away, and I kept trying harder to pull her back in. The rope analogy.

I hope I've earned her or am earning her respect back. She said I wouldn't leave and couldn't move on. I left and set myself up in a very nice situation. The girls love to come over and be with me. She knows I'm out doing things. In November, I told her she couldn't demand things from me anymore. I found extra jobs to keep a good lifestyle. She's admitted she's jealous at times about the low-maintenance townhouse and the part-time jobs.

Respect and passion appear to be different things for her. She's a lot like her mom. She's a loner who right now doesn't feel like she needs/wants a man in her life. She's content with her romance novels and toys.

She said back in March -- when the fog was really thick -- that when I do find someone else, who is more active and outgoing, that will hurt her.

I haven't found that person yet, but to be honest, I haven't been trying that hard.

You've posted on other forums that another woman or the threat of losing the man to another woman can get their attention.

Well, I don't know why, but deep down I feel it's wrong unless there's at least a filing in place. So for me that's the next step. But I also don't want to date someone just to get W's attention. That's not fair either.

I have to be mentally ready for it. I'm getting there.