My UFO (unbelievably fabulous observations)

[hoosiermama]

Having a difficult day and hoping for some inspiration.

Last night I dreamed I had died but was somehow arranging and attending my own funeral altho no one seemed to think this was odd (yes, I did a lot of funeral arranging in my previous job). And the homily/eulogy was so sad--how I lived among friends and acquaintances who had simple and predictable lives that made sense and built upon themselves year after year, but mine was fraught with bad surprises and starting over time and again, and I spent my life looking for love but never found it--trying to get my life to be as "normal" as those I was surrounded by.

So I woke up sad and lonely and reflective--which is a very bad combination for me. I absolutely hate reading all of the "end of the year" and especially "end of the decade" reflections that people write; I hate reading those "Christmas letters" that come with the cards (this year I got a whopping 6 Christmas cards). I guess what it amounts to is that I hate looking back on the past months and years, because it makes me feel suspended in space with no connections and I hang there, twisting in the wind. And I fear looking back this time next year and being in much the same place. I'm just so lonely; I've been so lonely for so long and I try so hard--in various ways--to do better but it's just not happening.

Over the course of this year, I reconnected with an old friend, just out of the blue--back in mid-January. Thought about him randomly, googled him, tossed a note. He wrote back right away--professionally had done extremely well, but his wife left him the month before my x left me; 3 children 15-20 years old. That night we IM'd until 3 am; by the end of the week we had fallen hard and fast. It wasn't so much exciting as it felt safe, like I'd come home to myself. We live 800 miles apart, which was a saving grace, and we both knew it was moving too fast but that there was some really good foundation there to build upon. We talked, prayed and cried each other through our respective mediations, our divorces were final the same week. We talked about a shared feeling of inevitability--of ending up together. And just intellectually, leaving out all the emotion--it seemed like a very good match; much in common, shared values, very similar parenting styles and philosophies, significant histories of years-of-therapy and continuing work on ourselves. He's a good man, he's kind, he's stable and strong and everything my x was not. I've known him off and on for almost 30 years. I told him--and I meant it, and continue to mean it--that I'm not seeking any kind of commitment except to get to know each other and keep the doors open to what that might bring. He came to visit in May--he has family near here--and we had one night together. It was, of course, incredible; the connection was amazing at all levels. He planned to visit again in August, but we could never get our schedules (and our kids' schedules) to sync. And then he just seemed to get further and further away, emotionally. It was some of that Mars-Venus rubberband thing, it was busy-ness, it was each of us dealing with our own stuff and trying to heal in our own ways, it was too much intensity early on. But the synchronicity persists, the sense that this could be a good thing if we could move it slowly along. Sometimes he's there, and as close as someone 800 miles away could possibly be, supportive, caring. And other times, it's a two-line email once a week. Last week we used the "L-word" for the first time. But then, the inevitable snap-back. It's excruciating. It triggers my huge tendency to feel abandoned.

I know I'm too isolated, he takes up a disproportionately large chunk of my life--and I'm certainly not shutting anyone else out. There's just no one else around, my life persists in being very small. Dating?--ha! I never did that much before I got married; both times I married someone who started out as a good friend, and it grew. If someone asked me out, I'd probably go (if they were acceptable, of course!); I'm not "waiting around" for this man to heal enough to ride up and sweep me away. I would LOVE to have more balance in my life, but it's just not happening. And I continue to work on healing; some days are excellent, others abysmal. Most are in-between, and I suppose that slowly the abysmal ones come further and further apart. But again--why is this not more simple and straightforward?

I worry about D13. She recently took a high school placement test and bombed it. She has no friends--there were no calls, no texts, no email over the break from anyone for her. I hate to blame it all on the divorce, but two years ago she made honor roll and had a few good friends (she'll never be the social butterfly type). And now--it's so different for her. It's hard to have much of a social life, I think, when she lives in two different homes across town from each other. I can try to provide all the stability I can for her, but I can't fix this part and I hate that. She is both immature and wise beyond her years, and doesn't seem miserable, but I don't know that she'd let me know it if she was.

There's my journaling. I don't mean to wallow, it's just that I'm feeling particularly lonely today.