Wife wants best of both worlds

[MHL]

Dwinter,
I feel for you and feel your pain personally. I try to find the positives in everything and focus on those things instead of the negatives. The positives I see in your sitch, 1. She has not told the kids about OM, which means she is still embarrassed by her poor moral choice, she knows it is wrong. 2. Scared to reconcile with your parents for the same reason, the affair is ongoing, how can she reconcile if she is still sinning. 3. The D process has slowed down, yes she is cake eating but I think that shows that she is unsure of her decisions.

I just finished another book by Gary Chapman called "Hope for the Separated". In it he says that tough Love is in order when your spouse is being unfaithful, and I do agree, but does your W know what it feels like to be loved by you or does she remember. I think you should be or act like her friend and get the R you have with her to the point where some honest conversations can take place. This also gives you time to do some more accepting and GALing, make yourself into the man she was attracted to long ago, show confidence despite her actions, be the better parent. She will notice, then jerk the rug out from under her if you need to, you may not even have to do it, she may drop OM on her own. But if not, go the Tough Love route, and you can make a stand. I have read plenty of statements on these boards that you could make to her that set boundries and you can communicate it in a loving way.

Well, it does give her the best of both worlds. She can be in love with an OM and be friends with her ex...I would want that if I were in her position. I guess when it comes down to it, I would rather be friends with her than enemy's, especially for the kids. I have the burden of pulling that off and if I can, I think that is something to be proud of.

Acceptance is key for me right now...

If I can make one other suggestion, forget about the fact that she is getting the best of both worlds. Yes it is not fair, it sucks big time. But your attitude, words and actions up to this point are exactly what she would expect. By being nice and friendly you are doing a 180 on her. Obviously you still love your wife and want her back so you are just doing what it takes to accomplish that goal, and staying focus on that will help you swallow that pride.

I try not to look down on my wife, I try to look at her as an equal that has/is making mistakes in her life. One day she will thank me for standing guard on our marriage and not giving up and I know your W will too!