Looking for my new normal

[Gardener]

Bunny,

Is it really a big secret that I left so that only immediate family and very close friends know?

You tell anyone you want anything you want.
Hiding it/avoiding it lends an air of negative or shame to it. There is neither.
Your strong recent actions demonstrate anything but.
Live in truth. Live your truth.

H wants to hide it. Doesn't want his dysfunctional shame and failure to become common knowledge. He loses control that way. A big, desperate no-no for him to be avoided at all costs. He wants to continue projecting his pathetic charade as a "man" (pardon me,: "male")
He doesn't want anyone to know his life is not perfect; that he's built and projected what amounts to little more than a house of cards, maritally.
H doesn't have a clue what truth is.
Or intimacy.
Or much else, for that matter.

You do.

[Gardener]

Bunny,

Okay...ummm...got a question for you:

WHO CARES? Who cares what H thinks? The only thing that matters is what BUNNY wants to do. If you have friends, if you want people to know where to find you, then TELL THEM. EFF H.

To paraphrase my very wise nephew, H is NOT the boss of you.

Every time you worry about what H will think, I want you to stop, ask yourself, "What do *I* want/need/desire?" And if it leads you to the original idea, then think:

"EFF what H thinks. Bunny wants ___________."

For a time, just to get you to break the habit of screening your every thought and move by what your H wants, I think ANY time your H comes to mind, you should go ahead and say out loud (if you're alone...or not :

EFF H!

Absolutely perfect, SD!

The reason your H is pushing your boundaries and not freaking out is because he sees you as the same old Bunny. He thinks he's going to lure you back and make you do exactly what you've always done and give him his way. It's time to break the pattern, because honey, it's the only way you'll end up in a healthy R, with or without your H.

and is condescendingly convinced you're just going through a phase!
Shatter it!

Do you know about Meetup.com? It saved me when I was going through this with H. I'm really shy, but I pushed myself to go to some meetups and meet people. I joined a dinner and a movie group, a walking group, a sushi group, etc. I had a great time. And as long as you stay away from the party groups, you'll have a chance to form friendships that are a lot healthier than the swingers you know.

. So did I: Hiking and Ballroom Dancing MeetUp Groups. It's been great!

And if I may add, Bunny, the only way you're going to make immediate, marked, and sustained progress as your own person and not as sicko H's chattel with his very real (and already put in motion) getting-you-back-under-his-thumb-and-control plans is to go from SD's "EFF H" to "H and M are dead to me." I'm serious. And, sorry, but this was never a marriage, anyway, with its total lack of love, honor, cherish, protect, etc.

He is a master. Always be suspicious of everything he says and does, because, kiddo, getting you back "where you belong" is the only thing that matters to him. It consumes him!

It. Is. ALL. calculated.

Strident re: your sitch, as always.

And remember my sincere offer, friend.

(((strongBunny)))

[SpyBunny]

I do need help...

With what exactly? Think about it. Tell us. We're here to help.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart, but I think I'm on my own with this. I know I need to "deprogram" some of my thought processes and feelings so I don't keep making the same mistakes over and hurting myself. I already have so I'm not off to a great start, it's embarrassing if anyone really knew what's going on with me, and I have to figure out how to stop it. Right now, I just don't seem to see what everybody else does- I want to, and I am trying to get it. Thank you again, I'll get there-

[iwantittowork]

((((Bunny)))))

Be easy and gentle with yourself.

We are here, your not on your own. You will have to do the work yourself, but you don't need to be alone.

Your IC will help.

People here will help.

Your family will help.

Embarrassment is a sign to yourself that you are doing something that you don't really want to be doing.

Try to think of things you want to be doing, and start slowly working on those.

It could be just 1 thing today, like reading a book you want to, or taking a nice bath. Something nice for yourself.

Then, building on that 1 thing will become 2 things, maybe tomorrow. Who knows.

There is no rush. There is not time limit, nor finish line. Take your time, enjoy something you want to do, for you.

[goldeylox]

Brace yourself Bunny, I'm about to whack you.
YOU ARE NOT ALONE.
I know it feels like it. But you are not.
We're right here, at the other end of the cable.
Let the group help you.
I promise, it will be okay.
love, Goldey

[givingitmyall]

SB,

Sorry you are having a rough patch. But, it won't last.

One of the great things about this board is the anonymity. So, that, coupled with the fact that people here all have seen and heard a lot. There is NO reason to be embarassed. We are here to listen, offer what help we can, then listen some more.

I can tell you my helping here (or trying to) is a little selfish. It really makes me feel good that I might be able to help someone through something I have not just read about, but lived. And, given the help I got here early on (and still), I know I can never repay it, but I will try.

Keep working on yourself. You have been through a lot, much of which a woman should never have to go through. Take your time to deal with that and heal yourself. We are all here whenever you need us.

[Gardener]

Bunny,

I already have so I'm not off to a great start, it's embarrassing if anyone really knew what's going on with me, and I have to figure out how to stop it.

What, exactly? Tell us so we can help you.
Happy New Year. May 2010 - and you - bring you all your hurting heart desire.

[SpyBunny]

OK, here goes-

Good thing I have an IC appointment this month, I’m gonna need several of them. Lots of questions for me to figure out.

Why am I continuing to allow these guys to use me? I don’t like, it doesn’t make me feel good at all, and nothing good comes out of it. So why- Am I trying to get H’s attention by doing so? Trying to get somebody’s attention? Am I settling for just anybody’s attention? (And no, I didn’t take pics for him.) Am I trying to get revenge- he didn’t care who I slept with, so I’ll show him just how many I can sleep with, especially since his luck is so lousy? Am I looking for the point where he decides, “OK, that’s enough”?

Am I still hearing and reacting to H’s voice? “It’s just sex- get yourself out there, you just need to adjust your attitude, I said it’s OK and I encourage you to do so.” So- sex is not much different from joining a bowling league- a good night there is bowling a 280, socializing with others, having a few drinks and having a good evening. Here, a good night is you get laid, socialize with others, have a few drinks and have a good evening. But I don’t feel like they were good evenings. I’ve even had an all-out bad evening too- one guy got way out of hand and really roughed me up- it was bad. Again, why am I doing this- why am I still reacting to H’s BS? Am I punishing myself? Is my self-respect that low? It must be… This behavior is what got positive feedback from H and others even though it made me miserable- why am I still reacting to that? It still makes me miserable, I feel really hollow inside, so why?

Like I said, I’m embarrassed to admit all this and put it out for you all to see, I can’t tell anyone IRL except the IC and that’s not for two weeks. I feel like I’m sinking, I know my thinking is mixed up somehow and I need help, but nobody can really help with this.

[SDFoundGirl]

(((Bunny)))

Asking the questions you're asking is the first step. What if you started keeping a journal? Writing is powerful...it will help you think and begin to transform your life.

One thing I'd really like you to do, and I only ask you because it was totally helpful for me, is to make a list of positive things about yourself or things you like about yourself. It's not an easy task, but it's important to start changing that voice (quiet or loud) in your head that is putting you down. Then carry that list with you everywhere you go. When the voices kick up or when you're giving in to negative thinking/harmful behaviors, take it out and read it. Read it every morning when you get up, and read it every evening before you go to bed.

And while you're at it, cut yourself some slack. I honestly believe that most people are doing the best they can with the resources available to them in the moment. Honey, you've been abused for so long it's a comfort in a weird way to return to "normal." Post-traumatic stress...anger at H...anger at Bunny...who knows?

Last thing: on Monday, you call your IC's office and start to schedule an appointment every single week for as long as they'll let you. My IC let us schedule six appointments at a time; once that was done, I just scheduled another one six weeks out so I always had six appointments stacked up. You've got a lot of work to do...and it won't do to have once a month appointments.

You are a wonderful, valuable human being, remember that. Warts and all, you are ALREADY valuable. Now is time for Bunny to heal and find all of that our for herself.

I know it doesn't feel like it just now, but a year from now, on the cusp of 2011, you will be a stronger, healthier, happier woman. We're here for you in the meantime.

(((Bunny)))

SD

[Lotus]

Bunny,

You are hurt and vulnerable. You should not be dating yet. You need time to heal. I don't judge you for having sex with other men. i don't care about that. I care that you are doing it to please them, not yourself. Think about the act of deciding to buy the comforter and then going out and getting what you wanted. That was pleasing yourself. that is what you need to focus on. You have been a people pleaser for too long. Old habits can be hard to break. That's hard....not impossible! You can do it. You want to do it.

Tell yourself, "I will not snatch defeat out of the jaws of victory." And then do it. Make yourself proud of you!

And call the police and report whoever roughed you up. that is a serious crime. It will be handled seriously. You have the right to say no. At any point!