Hope and heartache

[ClingingToHope]

Quote:
I'm the same in a lot of ways. I tried so hard to make her happy and when I couldn't -- because I now know I can't, only she can make her happy -- I'd crash emotionally as well.

Did you know that before or after you were told that on the board?

I took some relationship classes at my church and came to this realization. It did not come from this board.

It sounds as if you are saying that you are too soft...too weak...and therefore you have chosen to just be a nice guy and call it unconditional love. Well, I've heard that one used as an excuse sooooo much. It is BS and you know it. I am so frustrated with men who won't get tough with a woman who walks all over them....and decides to label it "unconditional love". Please!

I don't know how to respond. I post my interactions with W every day. Except for a couple of invitations during Christmas, I haven't pursued at all since July. In November, when the girls were sick, she demanded I take a day off work and I told her she can't tell me what to do -- she ended up hanging up. She hasn't 'demanded' I do anything since.

I understand the doormat issue. I do not whine to her about money, time or the R. I present my best face when I'm there. I'm a great father to the girls.

We've discussed the house issue at length. I've complained about the money part of it, yes, but not to her. And even with the amount I'm giving her she's broke all the time.

I'm frustrated now by this board. Exactly what boundaries would you have me put down? We discussed the house issue at length.

You are supposed to focus on yourself, make yourself into the man she fell in love with in the first place. So what I've been trying to do is improve myself physically, financially, emotionally and spiritually.

Back to unconditional love. What I realized, again back in March before I started on this board, was that all of the things I was doing for W had hidden motivations. Also, I had a lot of "buts." I love W "but" I don't love her family. I love W "but" I don't like how she spends money.

I realized in March that to love W was to love her with all of her faults.

Sandi, I don't know how to respond to some of what you say. I think about the image I'm projecting to W every day. I can't crawl into her head, but I'm happy with how I feel.

I have no idea what the end result will be. The vast majority of the people on this board end up getting divorced so it's hard to figure out the good advice from the bad.

In terms of my sitch right now, I'm stuck in limboland, but I'm crawling out. At the end of February, I will have saved enough to file on my own and if I don't like the direction of things then I will. I've gotten over the "covenant with God" thing and what my daughter's will think.

I wish I was still in the house and didn't have to go to that extreme measure. But I'm not so I have to adjust to my situation. It's in the future so I'm not sure how it will exactly go, but I'm preparing myself to tell her that it's been a year since she said she wanted a D, she hasn't indicated she wanted to work on the M, I am not willing to share her with anyone and I want to be free to move on and don't feel it's right while we are still M. I won't mention the house or the money, those issues would be in the filing. I'll be going after joint physical custody and a much lower payment with it. I'll be asking for an additional day each week with the girls so that it's a 50/50 split. I want my wedding and engagement ring back. They were my grandmother's and a gift from my mom -- who loved W, but only gave them to me because she thought W would love me forever.

January and February are always hard on W and I won't be there to help her do dishes, get kids to school on time, shovel the driveway. She's on her own and she knows I'm out with things to do. I gathered that from the time she scoured my FB page. She opened up all the messages from me to others about places we were going and things we were doing.

Dottie said don't use D as a tactic. Only file for D if that's what you want. I am slowly building myself up to that point. I see a lot of very interesting women out there. I have friends with single friends that perhaps I could go out with, but few want to get involved with a married man.

I also need to get a financial settlement that I can live with for the next 10 years. I'm not going to finance her lifestyle forever.

Sorry this is so long. I feel I've come a long way and reading your response it seems like you believe I'm still at square one.