Hope and heartache

[sandi2]

I'm the same in a lot of ways. I tried so hard to make her happy and when I couldn't -- because I now know I can't, only she can make her happy -- I'd crash emotionally as well.

Did you know that before or after you were told that on the board?

I still get a high when we have a good conversation. That's why Christmas was so hard.

I started to point that out....but think I resisted.....anyway, I'm glad that you can see how it affects your lows & highs. She also knows that you were feeling the warm fuzzes b/c of the family being thrown together at Christmastime. So.....she'll probably do a major pull back now.

I'm past thinking that being nice to her will make her come back. I'm nice to her because I'm a nice person and I now understand unconditional love.

There have been so many H's to say something similar to what you've just said....and it would usually be "after" they couldn't draw their W's back and "after" the board kept telling them to stop being the nice guy with the WAW. It sounds like an excuse. It sounds as if you are saying that you are too soft...too weak...and therefore you have chosen to just be a nice guy and call it unconditional love. Well, I've heard that one used as an excuse sooooo much. It is BS and you know it. I am so frustrated with men who won't get tough with a woman who walks all over them....and decides to label it "unconditional love". Please!

Well, what's the opposite? Being an ass.

Is that the answer to your own question? If so, then you have not learned. You don't get it. Do you think a man has to be an a$$ to set the role model of being a strong, decivise, confident leader? Can't he lay down boundaries and be firm about them being respected without being an a$$?

You have asked for my response in the past....and it may have been b/c I had been a WAW in an A, so I am going to speak as one who had a nice guy H. She will see the nice guy/uncondition BS as you being a marshmellow of a man. It will be unattractive and a sexual turn-off. Now is that what you want? If so.....and if you have no intentions of changing, then go on and file for the D, b/c she'll not be drawn back to you.

I don't understand that. If she starts to realize the grass isn't greener on the other side and turns back to me ... only to see someone who is bitter, angry and more interested in scoring points than in rebuilding the relationship, why would she come back?

Why can't you understand that she doesn't want to see bitter, angry, etc., but she doesn't want a soft sister of a man, either. WAW's have to have strong-willed, strong-hearted, strong-leaders, strong-decivisive, strong.....everything type-husbands. B/c she has to respect him and she won't respect any man she can use as a doormat.

When she sees the grass is not greener where she's looking right now.....she will go to another place to seek out the grass. So, if you want her to check you out....you need to change your way of thinking.

Once the WAW and the LBH reconcile...."then" there will be the time & place for him to show his "velvet" side, but he must continue to also display his "steel" side, or he'll lose her respect again.