How are you today? I know it's New Year's Eve but if you can at least let us know how YOU are feeling that would be great!
I know deep down you know this - your W's "friend" is not just a friend. I am sure the call you made to her was difficult but I am glad you made it. While I don't have children I think when two co-parents are trying to raise kids it's important that BOTH parents remain on the same page when it comes to things like this.
Anger has its place in this process and once the initial waves of anger calm down it can be a great motivator to get you to the next phase.
I know for a very long time you feel many of us have been very hard on you. Our stance was really to perhaps show you that you DO deserve respect and if you don't start setting some boundaries you will never get it. You have lots of people here to support you because we ALL know once we really "get" what has to be done (be it setting boundaries, dropping the rope, the legal process or whatever action applies) support is essential as none of it is easy.
I understand you were very angry last night but your W didn't win. I think you know that though. I am not sure if I ever shared this on the board but it seems fitting. When my H and I went to court I was sitting on a bench in the main hall while my attny was in chambers. There are several courtrooms/chambers in the family court building. All of a sudden I saw a man, woman and three tiny children emerge from one of the rooms. The woman was crying and holding one of the children. The man, also holding a child, was yelling saying "F*ck you, I WON" to his W and the third child who could not have been more than 5 was walking alone with a look on his face I will never forget.
What I presume to be a social worker came and two of the kids starting screaming they wanted to go with mommy, they wanted to stay with daddy but the other kid just stood there with such a dazed and puzzled look on his face. He looked so confused and frightened I just wanted to scoop him up and hold him.
So, no, nobody wins in this type of situation. I can bet those three kids will never forget that day for the rest of their lives and I never had the urge to punch a stranger in the face until that day. What exactly did that man win? Maybe a few bucks, a house, a car? I won't ever know what he "won" but I am pretty sure those three precious children will have that day etched in their brain forever.
Instead of focusing on what you "lost" please try and focus on what you are in the process of and *will* obtain... self sufficiency, self respect, improved communication, being a great father, a deepened sense of spirituality/faith and the tools to create a great life for yourself no matter what.
Splitting the accounts was never about you pissing your W off or not. It was about you taking a stance that you will not assist her in anyway financially to continue having relations with OM(s) if she is married to you. She didn't worry if you were pissed off about what she was doing. No, splitting the accounts is simply an "action". What really counts is what the action represents. And I think you know the deeper meaning is all about boundaries and self respect.
Check in if you can and I hope you have a Happy New Year!
