RW (())) I had to go back to work after having two years off, found it quite hard at first having to be independant and get myself sorted and get my derrier out the door at 7.45 in the morning.. But Im six weeks into it now and it has been a lifeline, kept me sane I have friends who understand what is going on and made me smile at work on dark days! Hope you will soon be looking forward to being back at work.. It will be good for confidence and getting back into a routine will help you get through the day!
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W 47 H 47 M 24 T 30
Once lost but now found and happily married again!
Well, I think that is true if I can do things differently now than I always have. I have always worked, been a working wife/mom. Some of H's complaints are that my job would leave me so tired in the evenings (which is true, it is a very demanding job) that I became a "shell" and most of what I had left over went to kids. These are legitimate complaints. I plan to work on pacing myself with work and make H a priority.
Well, IMHO, as you enter deeper into "piecing" the whole 180 thingy loses relevance, except where it affects behaviour / traits that you should be looking to change to be a better person. In fact, it could be a source of harm. As the WAS fog fades, stability and the re-restablishment of certain aspects of the relationship are important.
Of course, always balance that against the duality of the WAS / remorseful spouse identity, which is anything but consistent in its progression / regression lol.
Rocked, remembering your role as a W is commendable! I seriously think it is the most important of all roles you play in life. I myself grew very resentful of my W and had WAS like feelings due to perceptions of being sidelined. My withdrawal from her caused some of the problems / mutual resentment that then grew in her. Too bad she beat me to the WAS punch (kidding!). One of the early signs that told me she was "coming back" was when she told me voluntarily that in the A, she had lost herself and only wanted selfish gratification, but even before that, she had forgotten that with finances, kids, in-laws et al, she should never have forgotten she was firstly a wife, married to a H who had needs.
Cheers.
Me 42 W 39 Married: 11 Jan 1998, T: Since 1992 First Bomb: Sep 2007 Confirmed A/OM: 4 Nov 2007 Kids: D10, S5 Reconciled and together again after (alot of) time and heartbreak. 3rd kid, S, born 2 Jan 2010.
Sorry I've been AWOL for a week Rocked, but I think it's outstanding that you recognize how your job affects you.
Same for W and I. She HATES her job and she has that job because of me being transferred for our company (W and I work for the same company). When I got transferred, the company found W a job at one of our sites near my site, but at the time it was the only job available for her. So she took it. And HATES it. But in the typical catch-22, she does a great job at it and now they don't want her to leave it even though there have been other positions open up at her location.
Ok, that's a long intro to say that I struggle with the same thing in my W that you are. But she just doesn't see it. She is so different during the week vs. the weekends. Anyone that's been with me for the last year and a half knows that that is one of the things I've struggled with, trying to know if W was secretly in contact with OM while at work (he is a contractor she met at work who then moved 250 miles away to another of our sites) or if it's the stress of her job and really not liking what she's doing. I've talked to her about those same things you shared and she'll make the effort for a week or so and then will slip back into that same pattern and I'll have to remind her again.
It's getting better as I'm sure it will for you now that you recognize it. Just another piece of piecing. These things can't be changed overnight, but if you recognize and are working on it, you'll get there.
Hope4us
Me - 49, W 49 S22 & S18 Dday 9/4/07 W claims NC 4/7/08 8/29/09 - Divorce Busted. Lots to work through, but we're going to make it.
Hi Deep and H4U, It is good to get some male perspective on this, which affirms what I am working on for myself. At first, it was hard to hear H's complaints because I was the one feeling wronged! But, of course, this whole nightmare has forced me to look at myself, and that i am slowly starting to see has created blessings in the challenges. Last night I was pretty tired from being back at work and not sleeping the night before, but H really wanted to watch a movie and cuddle. Now how could I turn that down? Like many couples, we used to do that, but over time with work and kids etc. we would end up sitting separately. So, I am dog tired today again... but both H and I have our love banks pretty full! (been reading Harley's His Needs Her Needs). So, to me, that is worth it.
I know there will be a balance to maintain of taking care of myself too... and the kids... it's all a delicate balance. But, no matter what our M has to be a priority and I am working on my part.
Deep and H4U - I do understand why your W's have trouble seeing this, though. As women, we feel there is so much demand on us to meet everyone's needs. And, we have more trouble putting work aside at the end of the day than I think a lot of you can. So, when our kids need us (and most of us working moms struggle with guilt that our kids never get enough of us) we give all we can to them and there truly often is not much left over. But, I am starting to realize how much better it is for the kids anyway when mom and dad are doing well in the M and there is a stable home environment. That is the foundation for them, and they need that desperately. So, when I make H a priority, even above them sometimes, I am giving them a gift.
I know I owe you an email, I've been out running around for the past couple days. Tomorrow I predict I will want to just sit in the still and quiet so a good time to catch up on correspondence.
If you love somebody, set them free. http://tinyurl.com/2empx2g
Mind...hope your party was fabulous and you rocked the house!
We had a nice NYE, gathered with family, kids had fun. H was quite affectionate. Told me when we got home he is starting to see there must have been more of an emotional foundation to our M than he thought that we can be connecting now the way we are etc. (well, duh! I was trying to say that the whole time he was in limboland with a fogged out brain!)
Anyway, we decided to start the new year with PMA about our M and our life together.
Only problem is, I had a very bad dream about OW last night and having a hell of a time shaking it off. Not the first one I've had about her, but this one seems tough to get out of my mind. Trying... want to focus on PMA today.... It's like there is an emotional residue that is just lingering... ugh... I'm gonna keep reminding myself "it was just a dream..."
But, of course, this whole nightmare has forced me to look at myself, and that i am slowly starting to see has created blessings in the challenges.
Like many couples, we used to do that, but over time with work and kids etc. we would end up sitting separately. 
It's like there is an emotional residue that is just lingering...