I cherish our R that's why I don't want to give up; I am committed to our M so I don't want to give up; I want "to" love despite of not feeling love (at least for the time being).
M is between husband and wife, there's no place for a third party. I can understand his confusion and emotion, that's why I respect his earlier request for more time for a decision. In no way does it mean that I accept the existence of OW.
There's no respect for me and our M with the request of having the weekend away. No matter how much I cherish our R and how committed I am to our M, I have my basic principles and values as a human being. I will have no self-respect for myself if I abandon those principles and values. I am not qualified to love others if I don't have self-respect and self-love.
I can't control his action cause he's an adult but I do have self-respect and self-love for myself cause at the end of the day, I have myself to answer to. I cannot accept him spending the weekend away w/ OW and I won't give up my self-respect and self-love.
I think that you hit the nail on the head. You set your boundaries and expressed your reasons. You let him know exactly where you stand. Now stick to your guns. Regardless of what he does you will maintain your self-respect and this will also force him to respect you as well. Now if he decides to continue seeing her then you will be faced with some hard decisions, but if you stay true to yourself you will do what is right for you.
Me-47 WAW-42 D-16 S-14 M-22 yrs T-19 yrs ILYBNILWY-3 years ago. Full Story and original posts: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...066#Post1781066
After giving my H the note, I asked about the formality of a S cause I'm prepared to ask him to move out if he's really spending the weekend away. Somehow, my MIL broke the news to H and he spent the evening talking (well, mostly listening according to my MIL) about our M with my PIL.
H held me tight and cried like a baby when going to bed on the night of receiving my note but he didn't say anything though. I cried a bit too and gave him a few pats on the back of his neck. He also started to call the following days and asked how I am doing etc. Each night he would hold me tight for a while before going to sleep. As for me, I continue with my detachment. I would answer his call but would not call him and I never asked about his weekend away ever again!
The night before his scheduled trip (Thur), he started to cry the minute he stepped inside the house. He held me tight and said that he didn't want to let go of me but he didn't say anything further when I asked him what he means.
He had breakfast w/me the next morning (I was also having my day off) before telling me that he was going out and "won't be having dinner w/me" - so, no weekend away. He still spent the day w/OW but I really didn't care. I had my hair done and is quite happy w/my new hairstyle. He called me in the evening asking to have dinner w/me but I told him that I have eaten already. When he came home, he handed me a X'mas gift!
Since I am still waiting for my DB book, I really need some advice to my current situation:
- I thought about buying a X'mas gift for him but gave up the idea as others on the forum said that there's no need to observe special occasion while DBing. Now that he's given me one, should I buy him something in return?
- It's going to be our 15th anniversary on 23rd! I've asked him weeks ago and he said that he's going to take the day off. I haven't asked him again due to the recent development in our R and I have no plan to ask him again. Come what may - I will spend the day w/him if he's going to take the day off and if not, I am going to find some program for myself. I'm just not sure if it's a good idea to give him a card on that day? It's been always our practice to give each other a sweet anniversary card w/loving words. Is it Ok if I just give him a "Thank You" card thanking him for all the years we've spent together and all the happy memories?
I would suggest no card or present for either Christmas or anniversary. I think by doing so it makes you look ignorant or needy. Let him go ahead and buy you a gift or a sweet card! That does not mean that you need to or should return the favor right now. He knows you love him.
H did take the day off on our anniversary, so we went for movie and dinner. I did give him a “Thank You” card thanking him for all the years we've spent together. He in turn wrote a letter and gave it to me the next day saying that he has no intention to hurt me and that he still cares for me; his has true feelings for OW and he could not control his emotions; he knew that it was his fault but he could not think of a best solution to resolve the situation; he learnt from his mom that I’ve asked for the formality of S & D and he respect my decision; he could not tell the future development of our R and would leave it to the higher power; he would still love to take care of me if we can somehow start over and if I’m willing.
I know that it’s against DBing rules to reason w/him but I really felt like I have something to say, so I wrote him back the next day telling him that I’m not considering D but thought that S would help us to think over our R if he had spent the weekend away; it’s inexcusable by saying that he has no control of his emotions cause human beings should be able to control our thoughts and actions; he in fact lost control of his behavior by taking day off and spending it w/OW (his direct subordinate) thus ignoring work; he lost control of his behavior by avoiding and ignoring his mom whom he used to love and care dearly; his actions also hurt others especially his mom and my mom; he admitted being wrong but have no courage to do right; I’m still committed to our M but is ready to leave it to God!
There was no response from him for my letter but he spent most of the X’mas holiday w/me and started to call his mom. On one occasion while having lunch w/my mom (who has no idea of his infidelity), I felt that he was somewhat annoyed by the non-stop SMSs from the OW. I continued to practice my detachment and GAL (I attended cake making class and spent time w/my friends etc.) and won’t pursue him (I won’t call for his whereabouts and won’t ask for plans and programs). In fact, he started to call after work and asked if I would be having dinner w/him etc.
To be honest – I feel really lost and I’m not sure of the status of our R and M! I don’t think he’s not going to give up the OW (at least for the time being) but I somehow feel that he still has feelings for me – the classic ILUBNILWU, really LOL!!! My heart want to hang on but my head (also my ILs) tell me that I should at least kick him out and start S! I really don’t know what to do???
To make things more complicated, he will start to work for a new company in a nearby city in the coming April. By then, he will need to stay in that city during weekdays and only return “home” during weekends. Things could turn out to be better or worse cause he will then be no longer working w/OW. He will either misses her more or their separation might help to clear his mind and drag them apart. I will continue to GAL but should I wait around to see what is going to happen? I am really clueless - help!!!
Whenever he’s out with OW and whenever he’s distancing himself, I tried to think that he’s being adopted by alien or evil and that helps to cut the pain.
His behavior, it is called cheater's mentality. Realize, there are no such thing as aliens; Infatuation is a powerful emotion, however.
Quote:
I don’t think he’s not going to give up the OW
Then you need to give him up. Stop all pursuit, pressure, love, emotional connection. push him towards the OW. SHE IS NEEDY. She will destroy their relationship with pressure and demands. It will sicken him and he will lose interest. Then he will come around to you and realize he got dumped and he will be a man without a prize. We will find him on this board, and the best we can advice is you cheated on your wife what do you expect. Start begging.
Going back to the OW, she will be like
"You are done with your wife right. What did the two of you talk about. You love me dont you. I emailed you 100 times yesterday why did you only response to one. You love me dont you. You are not having sex with your wife are you? You are. I hate you, no I love you. You love me dont you? When are you going to divorce your wife. I have a future all planned out for us."
and he will RUN. We all run from that kind of pursuit.
Use this time to "KNOW YOURSELF" and decide if you really want him back.
[quote] SHE IS NEEDY. She will destroy their relationship with pressure and demands. quote]
The OW sure is needy. She is always texting H with messages and there was a recent one talking about "if we are going to get married...blah blah blah".
As 2010 is around the corner, I really want to be strong for myself and I'm really somewhat tired of the limbo. One thing I hated most is H chatting w/OW on facebook almost every night. I really want to set some boundaries in this area but am struggling with how to do. Should I tell him that there is no respect for me with him communicating w/her at home in my presence, that I can't tolerate it anymore and that he either has to stop doing so or move out? Or should I be more patient, practice LRT by GAL, and wait around till after April to see how thing's are going to turn after he quit working w/OW?
Really need some input and advice!!!
BTW, may I take this opportunity to wish everyone on the forum peace, love, happiness and strength in the coming year!
This is a difficult, yet rewarding, learning process. New skills take time to hone.
He's still being blatantly disrespectful by spending online time with her at your home. AND he feels it's appropriate.
Listen to Steve McQueen. Your spouse responded to your boundaries. Keep them. It's so easy to excuse hurtful behavior, blame yourself when it comes to a spouse you love.
But, ask yourself. Is this how a best friend, lifetime partner, someone who loves me would treat their best friend, lifetime partner, someone who loves me?
Do he have your best interests at heart?
Is he someone you trust?
If this were happening to your best friend, what would you advise?
Take care of you. Become the best you can be, emotionally, spiritually, physically. It's a process, one step at a time.
As if things weren't bad enough, my cousin was diagnosed with Acute Leukemia recently and is currently undergoing chemotherapy. She's only in her 20's and was in fact planning to marry her high school sweetheart. I don't know which is more painful for life - possible lost of H because of his infidelity or possible lost of love one because of their illness. I am tired and I'm really struggling to hang on but I really don't want to give up on either one yet!
