I do not know if I have either. But I do have a profound love for my W even in the mist of all this crap.... I will find strength and patience and continue this waiting game.... (for a spell)
Thanks CTH (I will reread your sitch later this week) I have been too absent from the board, prob why I'm slippin')
Me 43 / W 40 T 29 / M 15 S-18 11/4/09-ILYBINILWY 11/10/09-Separated 12/1/09-W admitted EA 12/5/09-W admitted PA 12/24/09 W say "I love you"
"A GOOD MARRIAGE IS NOT ONE WHERE PERFECTION REIGNS"
Role in her leaving - immediately. Everything she told me was true with regards to my behavior. I did not see it as most of it appeared normal to me, but true none the less.
I was not as bad as she made it out to be originally, but I was muliputive, controlling, and verbally belittling. It takes its toll on a person.
But I never thought it would be this...
As for working on me. I started long before the bomb being dropped.
14 months ago to be exact. W stopped complaining.... things seemed happy around the house. She (i since have learned was shutting down)seemed to be happy. I wanted to be happy also. I made some changes for the W. Those did not last. I started to make them for me and they began to take hold. I am a new person today, but she still left. She had the EA, then PA.... there was nothing I could have really done the last year.
But that does not mean it is over.
My changes happened only because I has professional help. There was a lot of hurt inside me from childhood. My bad behaviors were bad choices that I have made. I need to find my pain and heal it. Done that... then and only then was I able to make lasting positive behavioral changes that now would benefit my W and M. I will get those 2 things back in time.
My inner pain (and one day I will have to discuss it, but there are things I have not shared) just made me a bitter person. My abusive nature toward my W was a behavior choice. Not a good one. By that I mean, just because the doctor found out that I had some hidden personal issues as a child that somehow that makes up for the bad behavior.
Not at all. My childhood secrets just made me bitter. The rest was me just behaving badly.
I just know that once I could feel better about my past (childhood), it made it easier for me to like myself and thus those around me. It gave me the freedom top make better choices.
I am verty proud of who I have become these past several months. It will be a life long work / journey...
One will never change though until they see the problem, no matter where it comes from...
I can answer this better, and may try again with proper rest....
I'll get back to ya 4L
Me 43 / W 40 T 29 / M 15 S-18 11/4/09-ILYBINILWY 11/10/09-Separated 12/1/09-W admitted EA 12/5/09-W admitted PA 12/24/09 W say "I love you"
"A GOOD MARRIAGE IS NOT ONE WHERE PERFECTION REIGNS"
Thanks for sharing, Pat. I suppose all of us are a result of what happened in our childhood. I am so sorry for your pain.....and I can hear your self-respect has returned. I think many of us could learn from things you have to say alone the lines of making choices and becoming a better person.
As for dropping the rope......I agree that you are not ready yet. Just wanted to respond to you asking what it meant. I remember one time when I foolishly told a newcomer to just don't waste time in all this other stuff and drop the rope. (Well, in so many words...that's what I told him.) Of course, he wasn't ready-- and I know that most people have to get that mindset before they can do it.
You know, PatPat, there is another feller on here that I have come to think a lot of, and today I read a post he sent a board member who was in so much pain. I marvelled at the compassion and wisdom in his words. I do not have the gift to know how to do that. But, here is the amazing thing.....guess why his W left him? Abuse.
I have a feeling that you have not only decided to change yourself for the better...but I think you may be an instrument in helping others in their lives. God bless you in the new year.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I've seen several posters say one morning they just woke up and were at peace with their decisions
Thats me every morning... Mornings are the best for me no matter what.... I am a morning person. And I find that no matter what is going on, or how bad anything may be, in the morning it is alllll OK. So Thanks for that CTH, I will sleep on this one tonight... and wke in the am knowing exactly what I will do.....
Thanks
Me 43 / W 40 T 29 / M 15 S-18 11/4/09-ILYBINILWY 11/10/09-Separated 12/1/09-W admitted EA 12/5/09-W admitted PA 12/24/09 W say "I love you"
"A GOOD MARRIAGE IS NOT ONE WHERE PERFECTION REIGNS"
Does it mean anything that W and I after 29 years did not bring in the New Year together...
New Years Eve is a romantic time. I had trouble with this myself last night, but things look better this am. My thought is a S that is questioning their M/R isn't emotionally capable of reaching out to their LBS b/c of the history involved, remembering midnight kisses in the past, etc.
All it means is the R is such that we missed out on a special night with the one we love. But it doesn't mean that 12.31.10 couldn't be different/better. Keep the faith.
I don't think it means anything good or bad. this is also the first new years in 10 years that I wasn't with my husband. It felt sad but like someone else said, the reality is that things are at a different point right now in all of our relationships. I look at it as starting the new year's off fresh by myself. I know that I do not want my marriage to end but being by myself to welcome in a new year allows me to focus on me which is what DBing is all about. Remember, while you focus on you and becoming a better you you win regardless of what happens with your marriage :-) You are proof of that already!
Me: 28 H: 32 1st marriage 4 both 1 1/2 year married 2gether for 9 1S: 6months 1stepson: 2yo
