What can I do to save my marriage? Help

[Wonderful!]

Great job Doc! You played it to perfection. Keep up the good work. It feels good to be subversive instead of being responsible for maintining a dysfunctional system.

[Coach]

I'm trying to figure the rationale behind this approach. You break off, don't persue, and move on with your life.

Did you ever have a girl that you dated for a little bit but just weren't attracted to keep calling you, stopping by, giving you things, wanting to touch you etc.... ??? Don't be like that.

I feel so much more confident and I do feel the momentum has changed in my favor.

The feelings coming from thinking you have choices now. You now choose to act and behave in strong, confident and decisive ways that benefit you.

[Greek]

Did you ever have a girl that you dated for a little bit but just weren't attracted to keep calling you, stopping by, giving you things, wanting to touch you etc.... ??? Don't be like that.

Ever notice how girls get all crazy over the guys who are aloof and hard to get? Ever notice how girls go for the jerks who won't give them the time of day? I'm not saying to be a jerk but definitely be hard to get and GOOD TO GET! Chicks dig it.

Greek

[Sleepy]

I get the idea ladies.... Thanks...... Hard to get it is.

I appreciate all the feedback today. I can say, it made me feel very good. It's great to have a support group, even if it is in cyberspace, cheering me on.

Someone asked if my kids swim. I have one daughter who swam for 5 years and she just quit a month ago. She felt it was taking time away from her studies in school. My other daughter is a great gymnast who trains 5 hours a day and competes internationally. My son.... Well, he hasn't found his sport yet. We are working on it, and it isn't Lego Indiana Jones on the Wii.

So on with the days update..... Give me your thoughts.

I worked late today and when I came home my kids were on the computer and playing video games and my W was in the basement on the exercise bike. They hadn’t had dinner.

I had a rough day today behind the ether screen, very fat and sick people, so I opened a beer and sat down on the couch and watched the funny video show. I got a few good laughs in. When my W came up from her bike ride she was pleasant. She asked me if I had eaten anything and if I needed anything from the store. She was chipper and happy. I tried to stay low key and just answered questions when I was spoken to and I listened as she told me about her day.

Kinda weird behavior considering the discussion yesterday. She went to the store and picked up a few things which took over an hour, while I made the kids dinner. She left her phone at home. She wants me to believe so much that she isn’t having an affair. Why? Because, instead, she wants to believe the marriage problems are completely my fault. 100%? Well maybe 80%. She is walking away because she can’t stand being with me and that’s it. Who is the one trying to absolve their issues?

Anyway, when she returned from the store, she was talking more than usual and still happy and upbeat. I stayed neutral. She asked me when the health club opened in the morning....Huh? She knows that. I told her 5:30.

I can’t figure her out.

I am leaving the Porsche site and the e Harmony site on on my computer history. I know she will check it ...... Just another way of messing with her mind.

I’m looking forward to going out with some friends tomorrow night and hitting the comedy club. It should be good. It looks like she bought some non alcoholic champagne for the kids while she stays in.

[Ready2Change]

Today I did I took the advice from those on this board

Good! I am glad. How did that feel?

I got off work fairly early and went to the optometrist and got contact lenses.

Sounds like a good way to take care of you. Changes your looks too! Now you have two choices on ways to see clearly.

I bought some Grecian formula to comb out the salt and pepper in the temple area of my hair

Nice.

and then to Banana Republic to get some new updated clothing

If shopping for clothes is a 180, I highly recommend doing it on a regular basis until you have a new updated wardrobe. I dress with MY OWN style and I mix it up (IE SURPRISE).

He seems to be just a “yes” man then I hand him the check.

It is OK to find a new one. "I have decided......"

Thanks to all of you who have piped in on my thread and given me the courage to do this.

Glad we could help.

I went home and showed up as the new me.

How did that feel?

My W was quiet at first then said,...I answered all of her questions with polite short and succinct responses

I think that was OK. Being more mysterious in similar situations in the future is worth considering. Insinuation is a powerful tool you can use.

“Why did you get contacts and why did you get new clothes?”

"A friend's recommendation "

“Where have you been all day?”

"Out and about"

“Why didn’t you check in and tell me where you were?”

WOW! Goldmine of info. "It didn't cross my mind"

I got the kids together and we had dinner at the table and just talked about everyones day.

Great! Keeps that up.

My son said "don't get a tattoo."

Great opportunity that may come up again to indirectly make a statement, Looking directly at W "Son, that would be a big decision that I would have to think long and hard about because I know once it is made, there is no going back. I would really want to make sure it was something I was willing to live with the rest of my life."

My W was silent.....I could tell she was getting so pissed.

Then what you are doing is working.

She refused to talk about her day.

Yes they do that. Mine would say "FINE". Just remember to enjoy this family time. FOCUS on the interaction with the kids. Listen and validate them. Empathize with them. "Love and Logic" by cline works great with my kids as well as my X-Wife.

After dinner she asked to have a word with me. I went over to the table and then she proceeded to raise her voice and tell me why I didn’t have the right to be running around town doing all these things for myself when I was needed at home. I said “ I didn’t know you felt that way. I thought you liked it when I wasn’t around” She spoke about the OM and the kids were right there. Her voice was still loud and high pitched. I told her that If I was going to continue with this conversation she would have to speak normally. I would not tolerate her yelling at me. I thought that it was disrespectful and that the kids were right there and could hear everything and I walked off.

YA! Way to go!

She said “ I’m not done with you yet” I said “If you want to talk to me anymore you will do it in a civil manner and we will continue in private.”

Did this lead to R talk?

Once the conversation started repeating itself I said “ I think we have said enough”.

Nice!

She still has doubts about the other woman that I contacted and I left her guessing.

Good. How did that feel?

[Ready2Change]

Give me your thoughts.

OK. Reading and responding with my gut responses.

I worked late today ...They hadn’t had dinner.

Did you start making dinner? Now that I am D with 50/50 it is my responsibility to make dinner for the kids. I highly recommend start taking on that responsibility while you are still M.

I had a rough day today behind the ether screen, very fat and sick people

Sorry to hear that.

so I opened a beer and sat down on the couch and watched the funny video show.

Normal behavior or 180?

When my W came up from her bike ride she was pleasant. She asked me if I had eaten anything and if I needed anything from the store. She was chipper and happy. I tried to stay low key and just answered questions when I was spoken to and I listened as she told me about her day.

Sounds good.

She went to the store and picked up a few things which took over an hour

Why so long? Do you shop for food also?

while I made the kids dinner.

Glad to hear that.

She left her phone at home. She wants me to believe so much that she isn’t having an affair. Why? Because, instead, she wants to believe the marriage problems are completely my fault. 100%? Well maybe 80%. She is walking away because she can’t stand being with me and that’s it. Who is the one trying to absolve their issues?

Great perception.

Anyway, when she returned from the store, she was talking more than usual and still happy and upbeat. I stayed neutral. She asked me when the health club opened in the morning....Huh? She knows that. I told her 5:30. I can’t figure her out.

It is not important to figure her out. It is important to change the way you interact with her. It is important to understand her POV when she is speaking. That does not mean it is right or wrong, good or bad, it is just her point of view.

I’m looking forward to going out with some friends tomorrow night and hitting the comedy club. It should be good.

Have a good time!

It looks like she bought some non alcoholic champagne for the kids while she stays in.

Are you doing anything with the kids?

[Sleepy]

R2C,

Thanks for piping in. It felt good to do all this and I think I got a positive response from it. I hope others reading these threads will learn from it too. This works.

The "Art of Seduction" has been a good read. I find her to be the "daytime dreamer" type. She reads a lot and enjoys conversation and adventure. I am working on ways to angle in some subtle comments to get her thinking ......" Maybe he can fulfill my dreams after all?"

I usually don't drink and I am reserved. I now am more outgoing, drink occasionally and I'm less of a tightwad and more free with my money. Yeah, I have changed a lot. Recently, I gave one of the home repairmen a $60.00 cash tip because he did a great job and I felt he undercharged us. I did this in another room and thought she didn't see it but she noticed.

I'm going out with friends tomorrow night. I asked W if she wanted to come. She said "No, she didn't feel like comedy" I am going out but I will be back to bring in the New Year with the kids.

Thanks again for your time and input.

[mindfull]

Hey, Doc... I got the book tonight. I'm resting this week, as I had a cardiac ablation on Monday, and need to lie low. I'm psyched for the read!!!

[givingitmyall]

Hey mindfull. I'm very familiar with cardiac ablation - my W has had 2 and my MIL has had it once. Theirs was for SVT.

[mindfull]

PS - My BFF is married to an anesthesiologist (and, he is a very close friend of mine, too). I may tell you not to give her a break, as far as assisting w/kids because she CAN do it all, but it's not an easy life, being the WIFE of...

PSS - Hope you're not as condescending as he is. He makes me want to hurl.