A cheated cheater

[undefeated]

Oh, yes, I didn't mention that I liked that idea too, Lotus.

For the moment I have decided to continue not saying anything at all about what is going on between my H and me. I did send off my apology e-mail, but haven't heard back yet. I'm not particularly interested one way or the other now. If they decide to forgive me, fine; if not, well, I don't think I'm missing much anyway.

I have in the last year or so begun to realize that my own dad has a lot of qualities I don't really like either. I mean, we have a lot of good things in common - a love of John Wayne, the ability to chat for hours...um, ok that's all I'm coming up with right now, but I'm kind of still mad at him so I bet I'll think of more later. I adore my dad, always have. I thought he was right about just about everything. But I feel like as I grow into my own person I can see him more clearly. As I say, this isn't something that just happened overnight; I have been gaining this for awhile. He has no tolerance for normal childlike behavior unless it was his idea. All my kids seem to hear as long as he is in the room is, "don't do that," and, "quiet down." I understand they shouldn't yell or run, but children need to play, to be children. That is actually what we argued about tonight. He tells the kids if they climb down off the couch (he doesn't sit one the couch btw, he has a recliner) then they have to stay off for an indefinite amount of time, and also that they need to either sit and watch tv or go play, but not to switch between one and the other.

Maybe I should explain that my parents live in a renovated church and that the only area they have designated as appropriate for the children to play is at the front of the living room (also where the tv is).

So I said to him (in an effort to speak up when I feel something is wrong ) "I don't understand that rule. The kids get up and down on the furniture, but so do we. We go into other rooms and come back, get up to do this or that. And we also do plenty of other things while we watch tv - play cards, read a book, play on the computer, go through catalogs (my dad does this frequently!)."

He got really offended, even though I intentionally stayed very calm and reasonable. He said, "Well those are my rules."

Me: "I know dad, but they have to live here and they are kids. They need more flexibility."

Dad: "Well it's my house and my rules. When they live in your house they can do what you want."

I was furious, so I left the room and started cleaning the kitchen. He is absolutely right - this is his house. But he invited us to live here for six to eight months knowing that these were little kids. They aren't adults.

I've also noticed that I tend to get my idea that my way to do things is the right way comes from him. I'm working on that, letting things go. LOL, though I still have OCD with the cleaning when I'm mad apparently! On another note, he loves fishing; I've been going with him since I was four or five. I even kept going out to the ponds with him long after my brothers gave it up. I realized this summer that I actually hate fishing. I've been going because he likes to have someone go, which isn't really a bad thing. Just one of those things that has sort of dawned on me.

He also loves to use guilt trips. He plays at being sad and left out, knowing full well that it actually has an effect on me. And I have sworn that the word "disappointed" is banned from my house for anything less than murdering someone. He never needed to spank me or ground me. All he would have to say when I did something wrong is "I am very disappointed in you" and I was crushed, sometimes literally for weeks. And he used it for everything from not doing the dishes to getting a speeding ticket. It still to this day has a negative impact on me! I had to tell him shortly after we got here in August that he cannot use it on my kids - that the effects are devastating and long-lasting.

Ok, got that out.

I also called my H tonight. I wanted to know if he had heard from the housing agency (he hasn't) and that maybe he could start looking for a cheap enough place off the base instead. I told him about the growing difficulties with my dad, and my concern that this isn't the best place for our kids. He agrees. And he is going to talk to a landlord in the area someone referred him to.

We also talked about S4's behavior. He told me he had figured all along that anxiety was the problem. I let that go, even though I found it kind of irritating. Everyone I mention it to now says they always knew exactly what was wrong with him, and that I should have known too. I wondered, I guess, if that was part of the problem, but it still feels good to have a professional opinion. And where were all these people with an idea when I told them what was going on? As I said, little irritated about that.

He talked about the horrible barracks he's currently living in. I thought he was still in a hotel, so this was a relief to me. After ten days in base lodging he either has to get a house, move into the barracks, or start paying for the hotel out of his own pocket.

After that I went inside, told him to have a good night, and hung up.

The thing is, I saw a much needed ray of light in this conversation. It was still very fact-oriented and brief, but he sounded very warm toward me, as though he wanted to stay on the phone and talk to me longer (though he didn't actually say that.) In the past he hasn't wanted to talk and has generally given the impression that even answering my calls was an inconvenience. And now I am the one ending the conversations. I am the one with something to do (though I never say what) and though I'm friendly I'm also ready to get off the phone. It feels good, like I'm in control of the situation.

It was a small thing, and it is even possible that it was a fluke, but I really needed a good moment. I've been feeling very down and this, to me, feels like a baby step.