Well...where to start? This may get long so I apologize in advance.
Originally Posted By: sandi2
So......how do you set about doing what you need to do? What is the plan?
Thought about this a lot and realized that I have not had a plan all along. I have always been one to "wing" things but I am out of my league on this one. I am a scientist and decided that the best way to formulate a plan is to summarize all of the "data" I have so far. My WAW is still here in the house 5 months post bomb after coming close to separating twice. I initially drove her away by my withdrawal due to depression which resulted in me not keeping her love bucket full. As usual, I cried begged and pleaded like crazy at first before I found this site. I stopped that a long time ago (first thing I did right). Second thing I did right was to gather Intel and confront her on her A. After the exposure, I felt empowered and my PMA increased dramatically and held through November. December was bad for me and my W has noticed my sadness and lack of PMA. I need a plan! The facts as I see them at this point:
1. W still here 5 months post Bomb and nearly 1 year after meeting OM
2. W came close to S twice but has NEVER mentioned D
3. W tells me that she is depleted after trying so long and that she does not think I can change (have made changes but she does not acknowledge them)
4. When asked outright if she is able to choose between me and OM, she replied I don't know what I want.
5. She has not apologized, not shown any real remorse other than saying that she can't stand to see me hurting, and is by all appearances still continuing A.
6. We have a good friendship still and I think she is getting some ENs met by OM and some by me (cake eating). W does not get angry with me and never starts R talks with me.
7. The only two things I have done to get any emotion out of her is when she was confronted on A and when I told her that if she doesn't stop, she would lose me completely. She said she had never considered a life without me in it at all and would never choose that.
8. W does not respect me anymore, gave me a laundry list of things she resents about me
9. W still not buying into M counseling
10. W, me and OM all work at the same company. A has not been exposed to anyone except one of my close friends. Nobody in either of our families knows. 99% sure that OM is single.
11. I have done a lot of snooping and can't find any evidence that she has contacted a L (I have not either)
12. Divorce in my state could take quite a while to finalize (12-18 months of separation required) so time is on my side
So, looking at all of this, I am in a situation where my W has checked out to a large extent and enjoys what she is getting from OM. I feel that if she were certain about leaving, she would not still be here. I have also noticed when I keep the home fires burning warmly and don't stir emotions up, she seems content in this arrangement, however, when my PMA drops and I pursue, things get worse. I think this situation could persist for a very long time. I still love my W dearly and want this to work out so I can persist at this for some time but I need a firm plan to make sure we start moving in one direction or another. I can't live in limboland forever, it is affecting my health.
Draft Plan (comments and/or 2 x 4's welcome)
1. PMA, PMA, PMA! If I find this challenging, may have to start ADs
2. Continue to work on positive changes in my life, especially the ones that I know that I need and that she has placed on the laundry list. Try to regain some of her respect.
3. Start going to MC, let her know that she is welcome to come and let her know each time I go. Continue with my therapy for depression.
4. No more victim pukes by me (or at least minimal victim pukes)
5. Learn to love myself, regain my self respect. Set goals for self improvement. Continue to read self-improvement books
6. Accept that my M is probably a goner, really work towards detachment.
7. Reconnect with family and old friends
8. Keep home a nice place to be for both me and W
9. GAL. I am really bad about this. My problem is that when she is home, I am happy to be around her and happy that she is not out so I sit here. If I am honest with myself, when she goes out and stays out, it hurts me tremendously so I think I am avoiding GAL because I am worried that it will prompt her to go out more. I am being controlled by fear on this one. I need to do a lot of work here.
10. I need to create mystery and upset the balance of control. My W has me locked down and she knows it. GAL will be a start to this (other suggestions most welcome!)
11. I will set a daily goal to demonstrate to myself that I am high value
12. I will listen to advice and strive to act on it, not just read it and go Wow! that is great advice! and not act.
13. Re-read my thread from start to finish to reflect on advice already given. Re-read DR.
13. If W ever proceeds with S, I go dark as night
Any other suggestions?
Lastly, while I don't think W has seen a L, I have been thinking about at least doing an initial consult to better understand where I stand and to make sure I am protecting myself. I will not let W know this because I am not sure I should escalate when she has not mentioned D. Is this the right thing to do?
At the initial A confrontation, I established my boundary concerning OM (I will not tolerate a 3rd person in our R) but I did not establish consequences. Tried sliding the consequence of losing me completely in the other night and it had an effect on her. She reacted by lashing back out at me and threatening S again. How can I improve my boundary setup at this point?
I have not obtained any more affair Intel since prior to the confrontation. I had thought long and hard about a keylogger but have been hesitant. If she found it, I think it would be a dealbreaker for her. Is this worth it? I don't think my state weighs infidelity except for child custody and we have no children.
Well, that's all I have for now. Any help/suggestions/advice would be greatly appreciated. I am tired, hurt and frustrated like everyone else here but I am not going to let that prevent me from doing what needs to be done moving forward.
