Pls help--confused and fearful

[newmama]

DBD did you respond to him? I don't think you should. (STALL and BALL IS in YOUR COURT) Was his last email/text the one saying his L will contact you? If so then you really don't need to respond. Did you ever tell him you didn't want a divorce? If so, then he must know.

(((DBD))) this is very scary. The only positives I see are that you will get some closure and not be in limbo if he does go through with it.

The other positive is that you have an L that you will meet with on Monday and can discuss this all with her/him. S/he will communicate with his L, so you don't have to do any direct communicating.

Again, remember that D takes a long time to complete. So if all that happens at this point is "discussion" then that is not the end, yet.

Do you know why you want to stay married? For the kids? How was he good to you otherwise? Seriously, make the list of pros and cons ASAP!

[Day by Day]

Just a quick response.

Why does he need to know who your L is from you? Have your L contact his L. Thats what they are paid for.

Ignore everything else.

So I guess I should only respond that, no, I'm not interested in collaborative divorce. (I don't trust him and it's not in my best interest IMO.)

Ugh. I feel like this is an ultimatum from him to get me to contact him and the end of the road. Didn't get an apology or remorse from him. His guilt wasn't strong enough to wake him up. But then, my IC told me his guilt is what is making him soooo nasty and as I've heard, it's all about him and not me. I'm conflicted right now.

@newmama: I will make my pros and cons list tonight. Like Sandi said, maybe it's just comfortable to stay married. Hope is the last thing to die and just the thought of having an intact family, an available dad for my kids, hope for him to love me again... I guess it's unconditional love for him even though he doesn't deserve it.

[sandi2]

When you make your pro & con list, maybe you need to have two more collums that have "love" & "fear".

Okay, I'll stop nagging. This is why I have almost stop posting to women b/c I get too over-bearing. I can't stand to see a W in the place you feel yourself.

I just want to support and encourage you....not brow-beat.

Take care,
Sandi

[P17]

Just a quick response.

Why does he need to know who your L is from you? Have your L contact his L. Thats what they are paid for.

Ignore everything else.

So I guess I should only respond that, no, I'm not interested in collaborative divorce. (I don't trust him and it's not in my best interest IMO.)

No. Don't respond with anything. What difference does it make to HIM if you want a collaborative divorce of not? Let your L sort this out. What is he going to do with the information?

Ugh. I feel like this is an ultimatum from him to get me to contact him and the end of the road.

It may be DBD. It is definitely a test for you to contact him.

Didn't get an apology or remorse from him. His guilt wasn't strong enough to wake him up.

DBD, be honest. Did you expect it to?

But then, my IC told me his guilt is what is making him soooo nasty and as I've heard, it's all about him and not me. I'm conflicted right now.

My guess exactly - the guilt is causing him to lash out at you as you are the reminder of his guilt (in his mind anyway - if you weren't around he wouldn't feel guilty for what he has done to you).

Why are you conflicted? Why do you HAVE to do anything other than get the financial settlement (it was just that you were looking at wasn't it)?

[P17]

Okay.......I'm open to suggestions. What would you add, or do differently if there is an A involved?

I wouldn't do anything different to be honest. But I simply don't think this works with the same amount of 'magic' when there is an A.

When there is an A in the works, the WAS couldn't care less, generally, about the LBS. They are fixated by the OP and the passion, sex, love and wonder of it all. If you drop the rope they'll actually be pretty damn glad you did so they can get away with OP. I don't think much of the 'looking back at you' when you drop the rope actually occurs when there is an A.

So yes, drop the rope. But I think it's because mentally you have to. Just don't expect the same results when there is an A involved.

At least, that is my experience and my 2p worth.

[Day by Day]

Well P, what you wrote is why I'm conflicted. Part of me wants to keep trying for it to work, and then my head agrees with everything you just said. He couldn't care less about me and I can just feel him waiting for me to disappear to justify his A with OW. This man doesn't want me, he's completely selfish and controlling and very cruel. There is someone better out there for me. I deserve much, much better. My life has been getting better in the areas without him. I'm working on getting a happier future that I wouldn't have had with him.

I think I'm just going to go ahead with D and not only the financial support. I've just got to quiet the little parts in my heart that don't want to give up.

[P17]

I think I'm just going to go ahead with D and not only the financial support. I've just got to quiet the little parts in my heart that don't want to give up.

My question though is what do you have to gain from going through with a D and not just the financial support? I mean what would you gain that you couldn't gain elsewhere?

Why not go for financial support and let HIM do the legwork on the D?

[Day by Day]

You know, honestly, I'd rather have him served the D papers now than having him serve me. It'll hurt me a lot to have more rejection from him. He'll respond with D papers to the order for financial support according to my L. I'm going to think it over. I've been told a couple times here that he should do all the legwork. My L said she sees it as a psychological tactic on my part with him. She thought it wasn't a good idea and a waste of time.

Thoughts?

[P17]

You know, honestly, I'd rather have him served the D papers now than having him serve me. It'll hurt me a lot to have more rejection from him. He'll respond with D papers to the order for financial support according to my L. I'm going to think it over. I've been told a couple times here that he should do all the legwork.

My L said she sees it as a psychological tactic on my part with him. She thought it wasn't a good idea and a waste of time.
Thoughts?

Do you mean your L sees YOU serving HIM as a psychological tactic on your part?

I have to agree with her. And so do you by what you said:

[quote]
You know, honestly, I'd rather have him served the D papers now than having him serve me. It'll hurt me a lot to have more rejection from him.

However, I'm not going to pretend I understand why it would be more rejection that he serves you as my W can't serve me so I haven't had to think in those terms.

I do agree that he should do all the legwork here.

But, we're not you DBD. Whatever gives you peace in your mind and heart is what is important. If serving him will do that (and I do not honestly believe it will for you, but that's just my opinion) then that is what you need to do.

Remember that once you D him, you can't turn the clock back so make sure it is what YOU want and not what HE is making YOU do.

If it were me, I would do the order for financial support and leave it at that. Think things over. Remember once that order is in place the arguing may well stop because the one thing he has over your head is gone. The next thing that will become a problem is visitation and that can be easily sorted with a contact schedule. Once that is out of the way, what else is there for you guys to argue about really?

[Day by Day]

Thanks for kicking around the ideas... YES WAH should do all the legwork. I've been assembling all the paperwork and it's a huge project!

No, what I meant is my L thinks me having him file for D is a psychological tactic on my part since he wants to be able to make me the "bad guy" who filed. She also said she only did about 4 of those in the year compared to D filing. The other L I consulted also didn't like the idea of just financial support either.

I do think it's postponing the inevitable. He doesn't want me and it's like I'm clinging on to him regardless of how disrespectful, cruel and deceitful he is. Like I don't respect myself.

He now makes plans for visitation through the kids and NOTIFIES them of when he will pick them up. He'll be seeing them for a couple hours NYE. They don't want any time with him and have let him know it. He doesn't get it how he's affected them.

I've got lots to think over before Monday. You've read how nasty he is. I don't see anything else I can do...