Flushing the toxins from my life

[CountingCrows]

I filed for D today. I still feel like it's the right decision for me and S7, but also hard to feel "good" about it.

W's Mother and Step-father (who raised her) came through town tonight on the way back from a Christmas trip. I invited them over to the house to visit with S7 and me, since it's been over a year since we've seen them. They ended up staying for 1.5 hours, and was much more comfortable than I was expecting. S7 has had so little contact with them over the years (due to strained R between W and MIL), that he could barely remember them. He was very nervous and apprehensive about meeting them when they first arrived, and hid in his room. But he quickly warmed up once he finally came out and they started talking. They had never been to our house before, and were quite impressed with the life we live, however modest it may be. S7 was simply S7...smart, funny and friendly. I could tell they were proud of the young man he has become.

MIL is very sick and probably won't be here this time next year. She's on oxygen full-time and has "died" several times over the course of this year. Despite her doctor's warning, she wanted to make one last trip to visit all her grandchildren this Christmas, and we were their last stop. They've always been really good to me for these past 15 years. They know how much I love W and S7, and how much pain I'm in because of what has happened to our M. They always prayed that I could provide W the support, stability and unconditional love that she needed to help her become the person they know she could be.

But, both SFIL and MIL now agree that I need to protect myself and S7 and they support my decisions. They feel that W needs to hit rock bottom before she can begin to rebuild her life. They hope and pray that it's the jolt that she needs to grow up and do that for herself.

I still have some additional paperwork that I need to complete by morning, so I better get back to it. Thanks for the comments. They really go a long way at helping me feel less alone in this endeavor.

[Kettricken]

I'm not so sure you're meant to "feel good about it."

No more than a woman would ever "feel good" about going ahead with a mastectomy, even if it's her best chance at survival.

Doesn't mean it isn't the right thing to do, though.

(((CC)))

[CountingCrows]

I'm not so sure you're meant to "feel good about it."

No more than a woman would ever "feel good" about going ahead with a mastectomy, even if it's her best chance at survival.

Doesn't mean it isn't the right thing to do, though.

(((CC)))

Excellent analogy, K. Thanks!

I guess I'll know pretty quickly when W is served either today or tomorrow. Any suggestions out there on how to handle it? I need to explain some things that had to be written into the filing that don't necessarily match with what the reality will be (truck being assigned to me, CS requested from her). I can defer her to my lawyer, which I will for some questions, but I also want to be civil and let her know what's up. Guess a lot of it depends on how she approaches me.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Hi CC,

I would first validate, saying something like "I'm sure it was difficult; I understand that you're angry/(feel blindsided/whatever)." And then if she tries to discuss ANY detail of what you are seeking in the pleadings, say "I think it would be best if that was worked out by our lawyers."

As cold as it sounds, at this point it is BUSINESS. Best to leave that for the attorneys who get paid to handle it.

My wife was really upset when I had her served. I chose to have her served at the gym -- her place of employment, and also OM's, and at which their affair had been at least partially conducted. I felt that was appropriate, and I also didn't want our sons upset by a sheriff coming to do the door and then seeing their mother potentially very upset. I heard a few hours later from my father-in-law, who said that she had indeed been served, and that she was upset, but he also seemed to understand.

It's like firing an employee -- it's NEVER going to be "good," but there are better ways than other to handle it.

I also chose -- after months of "no R talks/letters" -- to write my wife the following letter, which I left for her on her dresser:

July 18, 2007



(Wife),

I’m extremely saddened and disappointed that our marriage has come to this, but I must move on with my life. The lack of affection over the past 15+ years – and especially the last 5 – has drained away much of my love for you, and your choices these last two months have now snuffed out what was left.

You’re obviously no longer happy in our marriage either.

As you know it was NOT my desire to divorce, but I can now exit our marriage with a clean conscience, knowing that I gave it everything I had to try and save it. While you may not have agreed with my tactics or the way I handled some of my efforts, I did, nevertheless, give great effort, and I hope you will realize one day that everything I did, I did to try and save our marriage, protect our children, and keep our family intact.

I have no regrets.

And I will continue to fight for what I believe is in their best interests, as well as to protect myself.

I must now move on. As much as I WANTED to be married to you, I realize now that I no longer NEED to be, nor can I, knowing how you feel about me and knowing the things that you’ve chosen to do. I do pray that you’ll find whatever it is you’re looking for, and that you’ll do it in a safe and healthy way and somehow allow God to be in the middle of it. I do very much still care for you, and genuinely want you to be happy.

(Puppy)

[CountingCrows]

Thanks for the advice, PDT and for sharing your letter. I was wanting to write something like this, and it gives me an example to work out my own words. It reads much like the talk I had with her on Christmas Day when she finally contacted me, but I'd still like to put it in writing for her.

I chose to have W served at home, where she'll be alone, to avoid any embarrassment at work. Alternately, they will serve her at the dry cleaners she is working at. At least she won't have to worry about co-workers sneering at her as she only works with one person, her roommate. Her roommate has been aware of her actions long before I was made aware of them. Any customers who might be present mean nothing to W, so it won't be too bad for her if it comes to that.

Just nervously awaiting her reaction.

[Gnosis]

May I suggest you post your letter here beforehand?

Puppy's letter was sent in 2007. Some of the phraseology is a bit on the weak/needy/excuse making. I'm sure he'd rephrase some of it today.

And you're nervously awaiting her reaction? Are you kidding me? Heck, CC you should be eagerly anticipating the fireworks because you're going to be FREE...

Change your mindset.

[CountingCrows]

STBXW has been served!

She sent me a picture message of them with a note "Got your papers." I sent her a text back saying "There's some things I need to explain, but I'm in the middle of something. Call you during lunch?". She replied "Don't you think a better time for explanations would have been before you served me with the divorce papers? I too am busy. If you want to say anything more to me, you can sent it in a text message." I texted her "Just call my lawyer. He can explain it to you."

Guess I'll leave it up to the man I'm paying the big $$s to deal with this.

[Gnosis]

Um, CC...

Stop holding her hand!

You don't need to explain anything. You response to her first text should have been.... nothing for 3 hours and then a simple "OK."

[Awoken]

She went to the trouble of sending you a picture of the papers?
You're moving forward. I agree with Gno, too much talking with her.
You were in the middle of something right? Just wait and respond when you've got time.

Heh, I'm sitting here with my WAW out of town, and I've had to fight the urge to fix her minivan, clean her room for her, and wire a cable TV for her room. We shouldn't keep taking care of them!

[CountingCrows]

I was busy today, so I waited about 45 minutes when I had a break before I texted her back. I just wanted to let her know about the truck and the CS being on the decree, but that they were required by law, and that I wasn't going to take her truck away (unless she doesn't pay) and that I wasn't asking for a dime from her for CS.

Oh well. I'd like this to be as civil as possible, and have her sign off on the order without fighting me. Going dark for the weekend, and she can talk to my lawyer about it on Monday. Happy New Year for her.

Took S7 out to Incredible Pizza for dinner and games after I got off work. Just got in after 3 hours there. Had a great time, and wore him out! Going to be a peaceful, quiet NYE for me.