One of the things I learned today is that my wife had a conversation last night (I was out, trying to GAL) with the boys, and she told them that we were getting a divorce, among other things, and told my oldest not to talk to me about it. This puts him in a terrible position, so I tried to talk to him about there being no secrets about mom and dad's situation. It just strikes me as incredibly mean spirited for her to do that.
My situation now, in my mind, is such that I think, along with setting boundaries, I need to change some habits. Maybe I'm too controlling, maybe there is some truth in her saying that. And I hate that our situation feeds into that (me having to dole out the money bc she was "stealing" it, etc). I guess I need to really GAL, and I'm not doing as good a job at that as I thought previously. Who knows.
I'm tired of this up and down emotional trauma. One minute I'm feeling strong, then the next minute I'm feeling hopeless.
Thanks to everyone for your support. I set up my third DB coaching session for Tuesday (I did one each in Oct and Nov, respectively). I'm just realizing how lonely it will be tonight to have my wife in my house tonight only in physical form.
One of the things I learned today is that my wife had a conversation last night (I was out, trying to GAL) with the boys, and she told them that we were getting a divorce, among other things, and told my oldest not to talk to me about it. This puts him in a terrible position, so I tried to talk to him about there being no secrets about mom and dad's situation. It just strikes me as incredibly mean spirited for her to do that.
That merits a conversation with your wife (and documentation to your lawyer). She shouldn't have had that conversation with the kids without your participation. You don't want your kids keeping secrets from you...but you also want them to know that you'll never ask them to do anything that hurt their mommy. Your kids are at a very vulnerable age. It is worth taking them to a child psychologist (with your wife) and talking about how to get through this crisis without hurting them. That will help you and your wife establish some ground rules. I'm assuming here that your wife also has the kids' best interest at heart.
Originally Posted By: Norseman05
My situation now, in my mind, is such that I think, along with setting boundaries, I need to change some habits. Maybe I'm too controlling, maybe there is some truth in her saying that. And I hate that our situation feeds into that (me having to dole out the money bc she was "stealing" it, etc). I guess I need to really GAL, and I'm not doing as good a job at that as I thought previously. Who knows.
Has the "controlling" complaint been a common one throughout your marriage, or has it come up fairly recently? In the former case, it could mean you have soome work to do. In the latter case, it might be a reaction to your boundaries regarding dbag and money.
You haven't talked much about how your marriage was before this crisis (not criticism, just observation) so it's hard for anyone here to give you feedback about how you interact(ed) with your wife. If you believe you were controlling in your marriage, look for areas of your marriage where you could loosen up without violating your main boundaries.
Originally Posted By: Norseman05
I'm tired of this up and down emotional trauma. One minute I'm feeling strong, then the next minute I'm feeling hopeless.
That's why they call it emotional roller coaster. You'll make it, your boys are depending on you.
Thanks Nut. I think my contributions to the marital problems were:
-using intellectualization when mad. My wife calls it "being holier than thou" -being judgmental of her smoking (and some of her friends) -not learning enough about her banking job (she complained that I didn't know who anyone she talked about was, though I'd never met most people at her bank) -not attending to my work hours (I frequently worked late nights 3 or 4 nights a week) which made my wife feel that her job was less important (she was home to let the nanny go at 6. I took that for granted since I make so much more money than her) -investing my emotional needs in my work and patients. -overriding her wishes on parenting choices (unintentionally)
So I can see that i have work to do. I don't think it warrants her spitefulness and affair. But maybe that's where I can put my energy, esp. with the New Year around the corner. Dbag is somehow meeting her needs. I guess that's my job.
Its hard to draw balance those two things-being able to better meet her needs while drawing that line in the sand on her behaviors. I guess it's called parenting?
Wife worked till four yesterday. Sent text saying she was doing an errand prior to heading to the grocery store (she wanted to get stuff to make cookies). Low and behold, I get a call at 645, and then she arrives home at 7:30. Imagine that.
Upon coming home mentions that "WE" as a family were invited to a party. Low and behold, at 8:45, she comes upstairs into my room to "chat." After I waited her out, she mentioned that she thought she was just going to stop by the party, and that she might be home before midnight. I told her that's fine, but that she wouldn't be back before midnight. She hedged. But I knew.
We had a small talk after that. I think it went well. I told her that I realized recently why she was so angry, and that it made sense given how I treated her. I wasn't emotional, I didn't break down, it was very matter of fact. She started bawling. She also apologized for the first time for her behaviors. She said she has so many regrets now, she doesn't know if she can forgive herself for what has happened. She must have gone through about ten tissues in our fifteen minute talk.
Anyway...it was hard, but I felt like I understood her, and she knew I understood her. Her "Ice Queen" persona melted a bit. On her way out of the room to head to the "party" she asked if she could give me a hug. I said ok. It was weird.
She stayed out until 145 am. I half expected that. I actually got a call from a suicidal patient at 1am, so I was up when she got home.
I'm tired of the ups and downs. I've got to take the focus off of her. I do feel that our conversation was good last night. She thawed. But I'm fully expecting her to go back to the usual (i.e., staying out till almost 2 am last night).
Thanks Nut. I think my contributions to the marital problems were:
-using intellectualization when mad. My wife calls it "being holier than thou" -being judgmental of her smoking (and some of her friends) -not learning enough about her banking job (she complained that I didn't know who anyone she talked about was, though I'd never met most people at her bank) -not attending to my work hours (I frequently worked late nights 3 or 4 nights a week) which made my wife feel that her job was less important (she was home to let the nanny go at 6. I took that for granted since I make so much more money than her) -investing my emotional needs in my work and patients. -overriding her wishes on parenting choices (unintentionally)
I am assuming that you were a doctor when she married you. Much of this comes with the territory. Having said that, doctors are in the business of giving orders...and that can carry over into other relationships. The hours you guys work can be really hard on relationships. I know several who make it work, but they are very careful to attend to their marriages.
Social smoking is not reasonable for a mother of 2. It affects the family, and you are within bounds to criticize it.
Originally Posted By: Norseman05
So I can see that i have work to do. I don't think it warrants her spitefulness and affair. But maybe that's where I can put my energy, esp. with the New Year around the corner. Dbag is somehow meeting her needs. I guess that's my job.
Nothing you've done warrants the affair or the spite.
Originally Posted By: Norseman05
Its hard to draw balance those two things-being able to better meet her needs while drawing that line in the sand on her behaviors. I guess it's called parenting?
That's an interesting analogy. People are often more circumspect about their parenting than about their other relationships. We set boundaries with our kids based on our values and we do our best to enforce them. Those are healthy behaviors in any relationship. The key with adult relationships is to have those boundaries without being didactic about them.
We had a small talk after that. I think it went well. I told her that I realized recently why she was so angry, and that it made sense given how I treated her. I wasn't emotional, I didn't break down, it was very matter of fact. She started bawling. She also apologized for the first time for her behaviors. She said she has so many regrets now, she doesn't know if she can forgive herself for what has happened. She must have gone through about ten tissues in our fifteen minute talk.
This does't make sense to me. She has regrets about her behavior, but she continues it. She doesn't know if she can forgive herself, so she might as well carry on with what she is doing? Sounds like stonewalling so that she can enjoy the benefits of being married without the responsibilities.
Is there much of an age difference between the two of you? I'm wondering if she chooses men in positions of authority (dad is a pastor), and then rebels against them. I have an idea what kind of M.D. you are now, so that would make even more sense. It's not particularly relevant, but interesting to think about.
I like that you called her out on just "stopping by the party" but I wish that you had done the same about the grocery store. She really should own her infidelity. This business of using lame excuses (lies) is just a way of avoiding the elephant in the room--the adulturous affair. Puppy Dog Tails advocates using very straightforward descriptors when talking about these things, i.e. "your boyfriend" instead of the guy's name, "lies" instead of excuses, "booty call" instead of grocery store (that one is mine)--just to put things in a realistic perspective, and show your disapproval.
Yea, it doesn't make sense to me either. She's obviously confused.
She now has strep, and I've been taking care of her for the past 24 hours, including getting her meds this morning. I'm trying to be caring, but still detached.
In general, I do call her out on the lies. I didn't with the NYE delay in coming home. But I usually say, "You know, you can be honest now. There's no need to continue lying."
I'm dividing up the bills this weekend, so she can begin to start paying her share of them. I like the idea of saying "Your boyfriend" instead of his name.
Was talking to a buddy of mine last night and he was discussing how a divorce is really just a piece of paper. It made sense to me, and makes me less afraid of it, though i still want to avoid it. Just trying to keep perspective and make sure I take care of myself and my boys. And detach.
She now has strep, and I've been taking care of her for the past 24 hours, including getting her meds this morning. I'm trying to be caring, but still detached.
Good, that is the kind thing to do.
Originally Posted By: Norseman05
I'm dividing up the bills this weekend, so she can begin to start paying her share of them. I like the idea of saying "Your boyfriend" instead of his name.
I still like dbag better, but it's probably not as effective
Originally Posted By: Norseman05
Was talking to a buddy of mine last night and he was discussing how a divorce is really just a piece of paper. It made sense to me, and makes me less afraid of it, though i still want to avoid it. Just trying to keep perspective and make sure I take care of myself and my boys. And detach.
Divorce is no fun, but very few people have died from it. You will handle it no matter what the outcome.
