WAW, live under same roof, and still have sexes.

[tangotake2]

Thanks, Sandi. I was planning to reach out to you, but you're already here. You're and everybody else here are God send.

[quote=sandi2][quote]Don't fool yourself by thinking that it is only an EA. [quote]

Unfortunately, it's correct. I have tried to find a way to keep our M to be intact. There are five people including me that I think so important that the M should be kept.

W is the one. I know it's hard to believe how she comes to this point. I really don't know her when she is in this situation. To be honest, I have thought sometimes that this is should be a good opportunity to get rid of her. However, one side of me says that she has bad and good things like everybody else. Since this is my choice to be married to her, I should accept all good and bad things that come in our way. That’s why I include myself in this group of five. I’m a family oriented man who values the important of a family. I do love W, but don’t have many respects for her somewhat about her thoughts and actions even before the ordeal (she has said something that you can never expect from a 40-year old married gal during our R discussions. Even her friends got caught off guards about her comments somewhat like a girl in her 20’s). I guess it likes other couples, we all have likes and dislikes to S. I know W makes mistakes, and should be responsible for her faults. I also contribute to the problem, and I accept that responsibility.

My two kids of course need to have a family (W is a good mother. Note: she gets started to be involved more with our kids since the EA. I guess that comes from some of her guilds). I don’t think they deserve a broken family. I have not done a great job to be a father. However, I’m proud of me staying actively to nurture them and being part of their life, and I can always do things better (one thing I’m sure I cannot do is carrying them in my womb - don’t have one obviously:-)). I have been with them since they’re born.

The last person in this group is my MIL. Everybody wishes to have a mother like her. She is a mother by any mean. She has sacrificed her whole life for her kids and husband, who did have EAs. She has not had her life or maybe doing things for her kids is what her life is for. I don’t know. However, I think I have owned her a lot because she has spent more time with our kids than any one of us. She is dying inside because of our relationship, but her hands are tie. Sometimes, I feel that I stick to her daughter because of her too. That’s really odd feeling I guess.



[quote=sandi2][quote] You have sex with her 2/3 times a week and she is seeing the lawyer the same amount of times per week? Wow! [quote]

That’s suck, isn’t it? Since I have not found a way to bust the EA. I think sex can keep me somewhat in the playing field. I really don’t think my wife and OM have a sexual intercourse. Of course, hugging and kissing are the norm in any physical EA.
I believe the OM hasn’t pressured W. He’s playing the nice guy. I think my wife turns all the green lights. Other thing is that I want to sleep with my wife because of the other the benefits. I’m sure you will beat me to the punch, Sandi2. Please feel free, I deserve it.


[quote=sandi2][quote] This woman has disrespected you about every way a wife can treat her H. Saying that you have been her doormat is putting it mildly. Why would you want to stay M to a woman like that? You described her to sound awful before you even found out about her A. I see nothing that sounds attractive about her, except for the fact you like having sex with her.] Are you sure you are doing this just for the kids' sake? [quote]

You’re absolutely right. Please see my note above. She is a nice reasonable person. I’m sure you will like her if you meet her. However, on the family side, she’s not been really into it until recently. She is coming around with our kids probably somewhat from her guilds I guess. She could be a good W. However, I don’t know how much she could be committed to M if things are going a bright way. She hadn’t committed much on it before the ordeal. Many uncertainties I have to deal with.

[quote=sandi2][quote] If you put up with this behavior, and it is just for the kids...then answer me these questions, please. Could you live with her until your children are grown and have left home? Is this the role model of M that you want your children to see? Is this the kind of man and husband you want your children to see how they should be in a M when they grow up?[quote]

No, Sandi2, no. It’s no way I can live like this. Two of us have to be a role model for our kids. How’s W thinking about this I don’t know? But I’m committed to raise the kids from a loving and beloved family. One of the reasons why I have tried to keep the M is that marriage is good. Of course it’s not for everybody. But when one chooses to be married, she/he should be committed to it and gets things fixed.

[quote=sandi2][quote] If you decide that you want to stay M to her, then you must wear the pants in the family and start to man-up. She does not need somebody that will allow her to walk all over him.[quote]

You’re absolutely right. I have chosen a soft way to deal with this since Day one because I thought it is the better way in many perspectives. I have yielded more than stepped up. I let her in the driver’s seat. Note that: we have not fought and yell a lot. Both of us have tried not to escalating the ordeal into a violent mode. I need to give her credit for not doing that. I was stupid and did many things a half way. As a result, things are getting worst. She’s more attached to OM.

It’s time to stand up myself. I’m in preparation of putting the whole thing together and push a button no matter what an outcome will be. Dignity is more important than anything else right now. I have pushed it aside for too long. I need it back and for the rest of my life. I’m getting stronger physically and mentally. I’m confident and I do need to reclaim her respects toward me. This time I need to get well prepared to gather all the helps I could to put in the fight. Can I go over my plan with you and everybody? Please advise.


[quote=sandi2][quote] The good news is....it can be done. [quote]

It’ll be done no matter what. Thanks for being optimism.


[quote=sandi2][quote] However, I think that you must have misunderstood some of the Do's & Don'ts on the list if you believe you are following them. Maybe I am the one that misunderstood you? [quote]

Please give some clarification. I can list out what I have done.

[quote=sandi2][quote] Be a good strong respectful man who your children will be proud of. Yes, some day they will know the truth and how you did not want a D. But, they will know if their mother showed respect for their father. And, that is what will affect them in their relationships. [quote]

Agree totally.

[quote=sandi2][quote] Who would it hurt your W the most to find out the truth? [quote]

Because I didn’t want to expose the EA, I never thought about this. She’s worry about her mother, but my MIL is out of the picture now. I’m not too sure if her brothers (2) know any detail. However, I don’t think her side family is matter most to her. Her SILs could be ones. She has to keep her face with them. I’m thinking also about her cousins. I don’t know if she has consulted with any of them.

[quote=sandi2][quote] What about her business? Would it matter if anyone there knew? [quote]

Do you mean her customers? What should I go about doing it effectively? Do I need to go there and tell them? I’m thinking out loud here.

She runs her business pretty much by herself.

[quote=sandi2][quote] If you talk to anyone....I think it needs to be the lawyer's mother[quote]

I thought about this. It’s definitely the right thing to do. She saw my kids. I don’t know if she can afford to have her son screwing up their family. If she does, she should be ashamed. I need to find out how to reach out to her. Cutterbug mentioned about the OM’s ex-wife. She could be a target, too.