Why can't I just do it!?

[Trixi]

Still stuck in the limbo.
We spent lots of time together before Christmas (shopping for the kids' Christmas presents); saw Avalon; did Christmas dinner together; went to dinner and movie the next day; spent all of this past Monday together with my stepson while he saw the MS specialist and then we drove him back to where he lives 2.5 hours away....from the 9th until the 28th, I was pretty good about resisting my H. ...but after the long drive and so much time together...well, apparently we teased each other just a little bit too much.

Anyway.

Yesterday morning we talked a bit. He said that his brain was scrambled. That on the one hand he is scared to lose me and not have me in his life- that he thinks about us getting back together all the time; but on the other hand, he is afraid that if we get back together that it won't last. (Which really could be said of anything, I think.) Right now, the fear of losing me is stronger.

He sort of acted like it's 'bad' that we can't just easily go our separate ways... For me, I think it should hurt. That is what marriage is-- weaving your lives together- ripping it apart shouldn't be 'easy'.

Digging deeper on his "I'm afraid it won't last", it really is "Is it worth the effort to make it work?".

In the trailer for "It's Complicated" Alec Baldwin's character says "I've never really known how to live without you" and frankly, that is totally something I can picture my H saying.

We are going to celebrate New Years together and we're supposed to talk further then. I don't know how to bridge this gap. I am also on the fence somewhat. Oddly, it is not the emotional work that seems daunting- it's the physical act of paring down my 'stuff' and moving back; and putting my 'mark' on the other house. Which in the big scheme of things is really nothing--but for some reason, seems overwhelming to me.

I understand his ambivalence--- I suffer from it, too. But when faced with actually going down that road towards D, I do NOT want it. Maybe I should stop looking at how high the mountain is, and start looking for the trail head....