Today I did I took the advice from those on this board and did the 180. I got off work fairly early and went to the optometrist and got contact lenses. I haven’t worn them for 18 years. Technology sure has changed, they are so much more comfortable now. I bought some Grecian formula to comb out the salt and pepper in the temple area of my hair, and then to Banana Republic to get some new updated clothing.
......I went home and showed up as the new me. My W was quiet at first then said, “Why did you get contacts and why did you get new clothes?” “Where have you been all day?” “Why didn’t you check in and tell me where you were?” I answered all of her questions with polite short and succinct responses, then I got the kids together and we had dinner at the table and just talked about everyones day. My son said "don't get a tattoo." My W was silent.....I could tell she was getting so pissed. She refused to talk about her day.
After dinner she asked to have a word with me. I went over to the table and then she proceeded to raise her voice and tell me why I didn’t have the right to be running around town doing all these things for myself when I was needed at home. I said “ I didn’t know you felt that way. I thought you liked it when I wasn’t around” She spoke about the OM and the kids were right there. Her voice was still loud and high pitched. I told her that If I was going to continue with this conversation she would have to speak normally. I would not tolerate her yelling at me. I thought that it was disrespectful and that the kids were right there and could hear everything and I walked off.
She said “ I’m not done with you yet” I said “If you want to talk to me anymore you will do it in a civil manner and we will continue in private.” ......Well, we took it up in the garage apartment, which she has remodeled quite nicely. I commented “ you have done a great job with this place.” ....The conversation went on and on, then around and around. The same old thing over and over. It is all my fault... blah blah blah.... I can’t stand you..I want the kids full time and the 50/50 arrangement won’t work. “Well, I said “life isn’t fair and when you get divorced you have to learn to live with what cards that you are dealt,”
Awesome news on defining your new image - it's important, thinking different, looking different, acting different - they all go hand in hand and they're all required for maintaining this new person mindset you have going.
Going to the gym and maintaining your fitness isn't just about being healthy and what not, testosterone production tends to slow down for men in their late 20s/early 30s while it actually increases withi women in their early 30s (a cruel trick by nature, a survival mechanism no doubt, take into account ancient man didn't have the lifespans we enjoy now, as such to insure the survival of the species and produce offspring with prominent genes, the female was required to test her male mating partner, make sure he had the "right stuff" to produce suitable offspring, also if her partner was killed off, she had to mate with another strong masculine partner, the testosterone increase women experience in their early 30s makes them more aggressive, assertive, increases the "testing" they perform on men by a huge factor, increases their sex drive by quite a bit as well so if the partner they are with hasn't shown dominant masculine traits or those traits have tapered off, her instincts make her search for a new partner, crazy stuff but it's true) so working out is also to increase your testosterone production, resistance training with heavier weights will do that, forces the body to produce more testosterone to assist with muscle building, fat burning and maintaining aggressive, assertive, and masculine traits.
Did you notice all the questions about your appearance and where you were all this time? Interesting considering she's attempting to check out of the marriage and pursue another man.
Although she is pursuing the OM she wants to control you and keep you as a 2nd option, you should already know this (if you don't, you know it now, I just told you). How does that feel? Do you like being considered a 2nd option by your wife? How do you stop this? You remove yourself from the options list, you remove yourself from the backup plan, you tell her that you hope she will be happy with the OM because you will be happy without her and enjoy pursuing other women just to see what she is going through. You're not being mean or spiteful, you're just letting her know that you're not waiting around for her, you're moving on, you're OK with her decision because it's a good a decision for you, you don't want to be with anyone that wouldn't be with you by choice.
Changing your image got alot of response from her, did you notice that? Continue doing it.
Did you notice she said "why didn't you check in with me?", notice where something like that comes from, she is used to having the control in your relationship, you deviated from the existing course and she noticed. I would have asked her "why do I need to check in with you?", does your wife check in with you? Seriously did she check in with you when she was out with the OM?
After dinner, her wanting to talk to you but then raising her voice and barking commands and telling you that you should basically "know your role", talking down to you, she is still trying to re-establish control, you need to see this for what it is, it's easier for you to deal with when you know all of this is coming from a place of insecurity on her part. Losing control makes a person feel very insecure.
I wouldn't pursue any conversation with her during or after dinner. Don't ask her what her day was like, she's not going to want to talk and at this point, you're NOT interested anyways.
When she said "I'm not done with you yet", more on the controlling side, trying to re-establish her dominance, she had that control for a while, she's trying to get you back in line. Another example of this, recognize these attempts by her to control you, when it comes up again, just tell her matter of fact without showing a whole lot of interest in the topic "fyi, you can stop attempting to control me, what I do and when I do it, it's getting a little old, you either talk to me respectfully or don't talk to me at all"
I wouldn't bother saying things like "I thought you liked it when I wasn't around", it's almost as if you are doing her a favor and doing things for her, remember you do things for you not to get a reaction from her, if she reads that as your intent, she'll catch wind of your motives and she'll react & respond accordingly.
When you told her: "....If you want to talk to me anymore you will do it in a civil manner and we will continue in private.”, I'll tell you that was gold, you do that as much as you need to and I'm letting you know now, the opportunity will come up alot, she'll continue to test you, you know that every interaction with her now will be a test, to see if you can handle her reactions, see if you can handle her pushing you, see if you can maintain your dominance around her, these are her challenges to you, handle them easily because you are now expecting them, just smile, weather the storm, be confident when you look at her, you know she's doing this because she's insecure, she has lost her whipping boy and she has lost the doormat she was wiping her shoes on.
Feels good to have a backbone doesn't it.
When you asked "how do you think life would be different if you were divorced?”, I would have phrased it like this:
"... how do you think life would be different when we're divorced? This is what you wanted, I won't be around to help you when this is done, you'll have to rely on the OM for that and maybe you should get used to that, maybe you should start asking him for more help”
Ending conversations is another big victory for you, "I think I've heard enough.... I've decided I'm done talking... You keep repeating the same thing, unless you have anything new to add, there's no sense in continuing this discussion", etc.
Continue doing that.
You're in control of you now. You're not controlling her.
She's angry because she was controlling her life and controlling yours - don't allow her to control your life again. EVER!
"...She says that she still hates me, I am like her prison guard! She says I speak like a politician now and all the books I read are psychobabble which were written on the first grade level. The sad fact is she hasn’t read one book on relationships or even made an effort to listen to or cooperate with a marriage counselor. She has her issues but blames her problems on me. Well, I’m not taking it anymore and she sees that now. I think she is in for a life of misery if she doesn’t get her act together. Yeah, she will be a lot happier without me around."
Tell her to keep the "I hate you" talk to herself, you don't want to listen to that crap. You aren't her prison guard, if that was the case you wouldn't have allowed her to hook up with the OM, she's been in control of her life and if she doesn't like the current situation she needs to look in the mirror and discuss it with the person who came up with this great plan in the first place. Her problems are her own, don't allow her to put her problems on you and tag you with the responsibility, as an adult she could have discussed her problems with you, she could have been mature and responsible about all of this but she chose to have an affair with the OM, you didn't make those decisions for her, she did and her response that it's your fault sounds like a little kid throwing a temper tantrum because they aren't getting what they want anymore. She can still have what she wants but she can't have it at your expense, remember that. As for the psychobabble, just smile at her - she's just mad because you finally got a CLUE, it was bound to happen eventually, I'm glad it was sooner than later for you.
As for you being prepared for anything, we shall see soon enough ;-)
All in all, good job thus far, you've taken the advice and directions well and you've rec'd results that show that you have changed the momentum, doesn't that make you feel better that things are turning around? You stopped doing what you were doing previously because it wasn't working, you changed, you did different things and achieved different results, I wish alot of the LBH's on these forums can take this advice and act on it, they would be in far better situations if they did this.
Have a great day Tri, continue posting more status updates, we want to hear more as things happen.
