In my wildest dreams, I could not have predicted what has transpired over the last few weeks. I feel like I am in a much better place now and more in control. I am not 100% sure that everything will work out but for now I have taken one step closer to working on my M.
And at times, I wonder if I am making the right decision. I still cry daily – somedays many times. Out of the blue I have a thought that reduces me to tears. I have doubts.
But so far... MC - H has agreed to MC (to start in january)
Transparency - I have passwords to email, fb, access to phone (unfortunately no call/bill details as it is provided by his work). When H returns to work in jan, he has to let me know his schedule, where he is working and that he needs to call me before he leaves at the end of the day.
No contact with OW - I asked how he will respond if OW contacts him or if they run into each other at work. As I said before I told him I wanted him to say “it is inappropriate for us to communicate. I am committed to my family, marriage and wife.” and I want to know if she does contact or if he sees her at work. I just put that out there eventhough I know there is a good chance he won't tell me.
STD/HIV tests - I said I don't know what you did for b/c or protection and I don't want to know, but you need to get tested and I need a letter or call from doc with results before we resume ML. (All my test results came back negative.)
I wonder if it is really over between H and OW. How do you know for sure? He says its over. I told H that I can understand he might still think of her and have some feelings for her and I am worried if they see each other again. He said he misses the fact he lost someone he can talk to but that is it.
H said he is concerned that nothing will change and that we will fall back into our old patterns. I responded that is where I felt MC was important so we can gain new tools/skills to use so we don't fall back into our old patterns.
I am really surprised at my need for physical contact after what has happened. I thought I would be repulsed by H's touch after knowing he was with OW. Today, I explained to H that I needed physical contact between us. “I need to be reassured you want to be with me and are attracted to me. I might cry as it is something that I have wanted, missed for a long time and that my crying is not a bad thing. I wanted to tell you this as you probably don't know what I am thinking.” (and I was right as H said he has held back as he did not know how I would react or that I even wanted it and he initiated a nice kiss this afternoon). “I also need verbal assurance that you want to be with me – let me know if you had a nice time watching a dvd with me, or going to the park as a family.” (H said he has enjoyed spending all this time over the holidays with me and the girls).
The holidays have been a strange time but better than I could have ever expected a couple of weeks ago.
Wow Maple, great progress! I completely relate to so much of what you wrote... I need the physcial reassurance as well... and was also surprised that I wasn't "repulsed" like I thought I would be knowing of OW. But, I also have those moments of doubt wondering if I am doing the right thing, can I really forgive, can we really get past this etc. And, the tears.. that come out of nowhere.. happens to me all the time. I try to take a few moments in the bathroom or go for a walk. Sometimes H sees and I tell him "I'm having a moment". He is very understanding and will give me a hug when I am ready.
I am so glad to hear your H is open to the transparency plan and to MC. Those are such good signs and you are both right that it is essential you don't slip back into old patterns.
Having a bit of a bad moment.... Just need to vent...
Am I being naive thinking I can do this? Can I forgive 2 affairs? Does H even deserve my forgiveness? Does H deserve me?
I am sitting here crying wondering what am I doing. I feel like crap. I feel weak.
I felt so in control and positive the last few days. And now the anger and hurt is just pouring out of me. I actually thought today was going to be the first day I did not cry. Nope!
And it started over an arguement about MC, how much it cost, when we could go, he wanted to wait about a month before we went together, I want to go sooner. I brought up that I am anxious and I need to feel we are doing something.
It is so unfair!!!!
Part of me thinks that H is sitting there feeling pretty smug... Hey, I just got away with 2 affairs and my W did not leave me. Gee....I am pretty smart that I got away with it.
So glad its close to bed time. Tomorrow is a new day and hopefully my positive outlook will be back after some rest.
First, let me reassure you that your emotions are valid and "normal". You will have times you feel calm and in control and strong. And then you will just fall apart. My IC explained to me that it is very much like PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) which many of us probably do actually suffer from to some extent. What we have been through is trauma. When people have been traumatized, they will react emotionally to "triggers" that may seem small or insignificant or illogical, but that doesn't matter. You need to give yourself a break about that and let yourself feel what you feel, and then try to move on.
Also - your questions about are you strong enough to do this and does he even deserve it? Absolutely normal too! I struggle with those same questions every single day, many times a day... even when we are having a good day! Because what has happened to us is absolutely the deepest betrayal possible. Of course we feel this way.
Yet... every time I struggle with that, I seem to find some strength somewhere to keep going. And, I look at our kids and think about how they deserve to have mom and dad fully involved in their lives, coming from an intact home. I think about things I've read about success stories and couples who have not only survived this but created a M that was better than ever before. So, I allow hope back in. But I am also realistic that we might not make it and I will be ok if we don't.
About your H's resistance with MC, try to let it go. The WAS often will waffle on things like that because, as much as they may be sincere in wanting to make things better, they know that C will make them face things that will be hard. So, they resist, then move forward, then resist again etc. It is the dance you might as well get used to now. You'll be doing that dance for quite a while. I find once I recognized that and don't freak out everytime the resistance comes again, he comes around to moving forward sooner.
You are still doing well, you are still strong, and things are still moving in a positive direction. A bad day every now and then doesn't change that!
