The only down side was the W was in full mode in front of the kids S15,D12 so I calmly told them, kids mom is calling the police to come here and speak with dad, I don't want you to be afraid or upset, but this is what mom is doing, you kids are not in trouble.
She never did call, but then we went on the back patio and W stated I cant believe you said that in front of the kids,, I replied that I will not lie to the kids or misinform them, I was telling them info based on your actions in front of them.
W stated well if we talk to them we need to decide what to say. I replied, I will not lie or misrepresent to the kids. I will tell them the truth, not sugar coat half truths.
Oh, I just now recalled, she also condescendingly told me "what a terrible father you are for saying those things in front of the kids...."
Yeah, she was throwing everything against the wall to see what sticks...
DD
H50 W44 M17 yrs S15 D11 D10 Bomb 4/09 Trial separation/moved out 9/09 Moved back in 12/29/09
I am impressed...this is usually where a guy just loses ground after gaining it...
If she tries to take the kids anywhere they don't want to go then I would call the police...basically the police would tell her that she is free to go but she can't just take the kids out of their home...
I would also be tempted to talk to the kids alone and let them know (like they don't already) that mom is really upset and if she does take them some where else to live to just be calm and call you when they can, you will "arrange" to get them home if that is what they want...
Also remind them they don't need to be afraid, you will not hurt their mother, you will protect them, you will be there for your family...but if mom wants to leave she can, doesn't mean she will stay gone just like with you, she may return...her choice.
Good at dodging her bullets...good call on telling the kids in front of her what she might do with regards to calling the police...it is good that they see one rational parent...this is your best defense...
I would also think about locking my room but know that on the inside doors it only takes a good kick to open, not something the neighbors will see (like a burglar breaking in from outside)...but it might slow her down while you call 9-1-1 if she really blows a gasket and goes balistic!
I wish all that have contributed a great sincere thanks for all of your excellent comments, advice and most importantly the support that I have felt while here.
This is not an easy task, and regarding all of the well received great "way to go, DD" comments, when reading these post, it sure makes it sounds so easy to do but nothing could be further from the truth. I am gaining strength to do what I feel is right for me and my kids.
I think I've reached my "this is all I can take" moment, my line in the sand, Anyone that knows me personally knows this is just not like me. I never would have thought this would be the time or place but it just happened, it did.. "Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition"
I feel like I've just gone all in, and there is no turning back. I'm going to my condo now and pack up some more belongings to take back home, we'll see what happens when I get home.
This morning W was up first and I went to the kitchen for coffee and she was civil but she had a "doing a slow burn look" to her, I can always tell when something is amiss by a certain facial gesture she makes... she had it going on the entire time I was there. I drank my coffee and told W " I hope you have a good day, Goodbye" and I left....
For all the seasoned vets on here, coach, Greek sandi, PDT, Robx, Soleil, and many of the others. I would not be where I am right now if you all had not supplied input, I had not read/listened to it and finally able to summon the courage to implement it.. how this turns out, we'll see. I know I am better today because of all you interest and concern.
Would it be selfish of me to say please do not stop the advice giving? Keep sharing input, It has been my life line and if others my get benefit from my experiences here, man, a gift that keeps on giving.
DD
DD
H50 W44 M17 yrs S15 D11 D10 Bomb 4/09 Trial separation/moved out 9/09 Moved back in 12/29/09
Just reading your post is giving me the strength for when I tell my wife that I have decided that I am not moving out. (Saturday) Keep it up for you and your kids. You are an inspiration.
Williaij
"The first step in the acquisition of wisdom is silence, the second listening, the third memory, the fourth practice, the fifth teaching others." Solomon Ibn Gabriol
Thank you for the comments, what also helped me along was to not "rush" a discussion/argument. think before you speak, even if it is for a few seconds that will help you avoid a knee jerk, reflex comment. (still haven't mastered that 100% yet but I am trying)
Ask yourself "Is what I'm about to say get me to my goal or push me away?. The pause also underscores the fact that you just LISTENED to what the W just said and your thinking about how to respond...
Last edited by DDogs; 12/30/0906:01 PM.
DD
H50 W44 M17 yrs S15 D11 D10 Bomb 4/09 Trial separation/moved out 9/09 Moved back in 12/29/09
I wish all that have contributed a great sincere thanks for all of your excellent comments, advice and most importantly the support that I have felt while here.
This is not an easy task, and regarding all of the well received great "way to go, DD" comments, when reading these post, it sure makes it sounds so easy to do but nothing could be further from the truth. I am gaining strength to do what I feel is right for me and my kids.
I think I've reached my "this is all I can take" moment, my line in the sand, Anyone that knows me personally knows this is just not like me. I never would have thought this would be the time or place but it just happened, it did.. "Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition"
I feel like I've just gone all in, and there is no turning back. I'm going to my condo now and pack up some more belongings to take back home, we'll see what happens when I get home.
This morning W was up first and I went to the kitchen for coffee and she was civil but she had a "doing a slow burn look" to her, I can always tell when something is amiss by a certain facial gesture she makes... she had it going on the entire time I was there. I drank my coffee and told W " I hope you have a good day, Goodbye" and I left....
For all the seasoned vets on here, coach, Greek sandi, PDT, Robx, Soleil, and many of the others. I would not be where I am right now if you all had not supplied input, I had not read/listened to it and finally able to summon the courage to implement it.. how this turns out, we'll see. I know I am better today because of all you interest and concern.
Would it be selfish of me to say please do not stop the advice giving? Keep sharing input, It has been my life line and if others my get benefit from my experiences here, man, a gift that keeps on giving.
DD
Well you moved back in, the first few days are always the craziest, how have things been thus far?
been back in the home now, on my second night. When I got home I unpacked my things and my D10 (who stayed overnight at her GF's house on Bat Sh@t night) was sitting on the couch drawing. I went to her hugged her and told her I had some good news, Dad was back staying in the house! I told her Mom and dad still have things to sort out, but I missed you kids so much, that I couldn't stay away any longer, I needed them and they needed their dad.... D10 jumps off the couch with huge wide eyes, jumps grabs on and hugs me for dear life ans tells me, "Dad, I love you so much!".... what a feeling..
I separated the S15/D12 and asked them if they had any questions. They both said no. I told them, "I'm sorry that you had to see M&D argue like that last nite. I hope your not scared... you kids did not do anything wrong, this is a problem that M&D have to resolve.."
I then felt I had to respond to what W said in their presence on Bat Sh@t nite, "guys, Mom says she wants a D from dad,,, I do not, I want to heal the M and stay M... right now mom is upset/mad/scared and probably not too sure what she wants to do and thats ok she can have her feelings, they are hers... kinda like when I felt overwhelmed and needed to take a breather to get myself feeling better.. and I did and I'm back here."
"Right now, Mom says she wants to do that,, if she does she may return like I did, but that is her choice to make...she also said she wants you kids to go with her.. I disagree, I think it's healthier/better for you guys to remain here in your own home, with you things, neighbors friends.. but if mom does and she takes you with her and you feel you don't want to.... contact me as soon as you can and I'll arrange to get you back here..."
"I came back here because I realized how much I love and miss you and don't want to be a part time dad.. I need to be here with you and for you, because that's what good dads do, they are there for for you..."
I asked but D12/S15 had no questions, and I reminded them if they ever felt like talking about it, anytime, just ask and I will talk with them and also tell them the truth as best I can.. I can't imagine lies, half lies, misstatements, intentional omissions being laid out on the kids only for them to find out years later they've been misled...
W cam home at 430, and went to work collecting all of her bathroom/beauty supplies from my master Bath and sets up in the guest room. W takes a nite side table from the Master BR and moves it as well. (the guest room is 14x14, has only a day bed, corner shelf and a closet, looks pretty sparse).
I then took the kids to the store to shop for dinner. I asked W if she'd like anything, she replied, "just get for the kids, I'll eat my own food" wtf?
I brought back stuff, we ate, offered W some, again., "No, that's ok, I eat my own food."
That was the extent of conversation for the whole evening with an added yes/no answer tossed in. She was very quiet, my assessment, either very pissed but found out/realized she had no legal stand point to make the statements she did last night and is now stewing.... or she has something planned that she is working on,,, either way, I don't care.. I'm not gloating just happy with the fact that I stood up for my self and she swimming in the consequences of her actions...
DD
H50 W44 M17 yrs S15 D11 D10 Bomb 4/09 Trial separation/moved out 9/09 Moved back in 12/29/09
