I doubt that PDT, Rob, or Steve would urge you to act like a sarcastic, petulant teenager.
If you really want to save your M, you will need patience. It has been SIX DAYS since your date. I'd suggest you set a date several months in the future, like SIX MONTHS, to reevaluate your choice to try to save your M. Until then, you could focus on making things work, on being happy, on being an attractive partner, etc...
BTW, this was a pretty big deal, and something many will never hear: "On the ride home, we had some light convesation and she all the sudden said, that she should have been there for me when I got back from Iraq and that she hated herself for what she did." I'm sure it was hard for her to say that. Next time it might be nice to validate and to accept her invitation for more intimacy/honesty.
The passive/aggressive stuff isn't very attractive or helpful. I thought that you removed OW from FB because you thought it was the right thing to do. It is really not fair to anyone to lead OW on when you are trying to reconcile with W.
As for her latest request, have the two of you agreed to be exclusive or not? If you have, then it is not appropriate to say that you are interested in R's with women on your FB page. And, if you really want to make space for reconciliation, perhaps it is a good idea to be exclusive.
How about: "Sweetheart, that is rather a roundabout way to ask me to go steady. But sure, if we are going to be exclusive, then we should both make changes to our lives to reflect that."
As for W's male friend, it doesn't seem that either of you are referring to him as OM, while you were both acknowledging that the woman from FB was a romantic interest. So, the cases are not the same. That being said, it is fine for you to choose your own boundary here, as with anything else. If you want to insist on zero opposite sex friends other than those in support groups, then communicate that: "W, while we are taking our first steps to a new R, let's give ourselves the best chance by eliminating some potentially confusing times by limiting ourselves to interactions with same sex friends." But, do you really want to do this?
How about: "W, I'm not comfortable with you have what looks like a date with OM and bringing our daughter to it. It doesn't work for me."
Take your W on another date with no expectations. Give her a reasonble chance to find and call a C. Why so anxious about the C anyway? Is finding someone something the two of you could work together on?
If you want nothing to do with her until she makes a C appt, that's up to you. But, be direct: "W, the next step in all of this that I see is for you to make a C appt. for us. Like removing OW from FB was a dealbreaker for you, the C appt is a dealbreaker for me." But, again, how about some time to simply enjoy each other before such an ultimatium?
