My H and I both come from very dysfunctional backgrounds....married early. 3 days after I turned 20. He was 25. I had two brief affairs. One before we married. One shortly after. At the time, I did not understand the extent of my baggage and I remember thinking "how did this happen?" I never thought I would do something like that.
Our first child was born 2 years after our marriage. After he was born, the guilt of my previous affairs was overwhelming. I confessed all. He stayed with me. He said he forgave me.
We had a baby girl two years later.
We have now been married for 13 years. He has never gotten over my affairs. We have had lots of good times in our marriage, and have been the best of friends and we both love each other. We are vey compatible. The past just never goes away. I often feel like I am not a real person, because it is constantly over my head. Part of it is my own guilt, I will admit that. Part of it is that he never wanted me to forget.
For years, every argument would end with what I had done and I would concede...because after all, nothing he did was ever as bad as what I had done.
He has often been emotionally absent. About 5 or 6 years ago he played online poker for an entire year. I just fed him dinner in his chair. I started chatting with a man on a forum that I frequented. He was in a similar situation and I confided in him. I guess in that respect it was an EA since I was confiding in someone who was not my husband, even though there were no intentions for any romantic involvement. This was another HUGE setback in him ever trusting me. He sees me as an insecure needy person who always has to get emotional needs met through other sources...instead of myself. Which was true, although I have changed quite a bit in 13 years (especially the last 6 months).
We both started drinking...and when he voiced his concerns over our marriage this past summer, it worsened for me. I ended up getting a DUI in June and that was the last straw for him. We separated and our divorce will be final in two weeks. His choice.
I have been in IC and attend AA twice a week.. Lots of 180's.
The tricky thing is, he still loves me. He says he needs this divorce and has put his emotions "on a shelf" and will not think about the future until after the divorce is final. He says he promised himself he would go through with it.
As the months have gone on, we have started spending alot of time together. It's like we are falling in love all over again. But there is no talk of the future right now. He says we will talk after the divorce is over. "You can't build on a demolition site".
I think he is seeing the changes in me, and often tells me that he loves me and misses me. He invites me over often. I pretty much spend the weekends with him.
Has anyone heard of a divorce in order to start over?
I think it's obvious I accept responsibility for what I have done. I pretty much talked about my faults the entire post.
What makes this tricky, is that I want him to miss me....but at the same time, I have really put him through the ringer and me being there for him right now with the uncertainty of the future hanging there seems to comfort him. He thinks it's a strength that I can do so.
There is nothing wrong with spending time together. Don't bring up relationship talk, and don't do anything to help push the D faster. Get a copy of DR, read it, then read it again. Post everything you need to here, this is a great place for advice, and read other peoples stories, you will learn a lot. Keep yourself pleasant to be around, be someone he should WANT to be with. Shock
I have been reading the boards....for hours! Very helpful, so I had to post. The advice I get from friends is not great.
I forgot to mention that we have been intimate also. Quite frequently, actually.
I have been refraining from the R talk, but I think I'm freaking a bit because D day is so close. It's so confusing to have things going so well with us and the D is still coming.
