CTH, it DOES get confusing when you read so many differing opinions/advice re: your sitch. I guess you just have to take what you feel is best and apply it. It can be quite confusing. And I noticed in your sig, it says Feb was when your bomb dropped. Not sure what it is about that month but Feb was when I had a very defining moment in my M. As did one of my girlfriends. Crazy, huh? Even crazier to think that was almost 11 months ago. Wow.
Soleil, February always seems to be a bad month. The fun of the holidays are over. Stuff at school for the girls piles up. W's work issues come to a head -- she's a supervisor and has to do lots of reviews -- and she works with D10's theater group doing costumes and that sucks up a lot of her time.
So it will be interesting to see how January and February play out this year without me there to do the laundry, dishes, shovel the snow, get the kids to school so she can go in early, etc.
DDog. Your situation is so new that I don't know what to learn from it yet. I will monitor your situation. It should be interesting.
Right now, I still have a lot of work to do on myself. I really lost ground in November and December, focusing more on W than myself.
Me: 47, Ds 17-13, D final 6-11 http://tinyurl.com/yk4e2tz http://tiny.cc/thread2 http://tinyurl.com/ydtphqu http://tinyurl.com/thread4 http://tinyurl.com/3sm78k6 http://tinyurl.com/thread6
I feel that I am playing tag back and forth with the post here and the one over on my thread, so I answered the one there and I am going to copy and past it here also. The main reason is for any other newcomers b/c they may not see everything that was posted back and forth before.
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ClingingToHope,
I'm soooo confused!
At first, I supported the idea of you moving back into your house when you kept talking about the financial strain and you didn't know if you should renew the lease on your apartment. But when I told you what to expect from your W if you did that....then you said that you "could" make it financially, but it was just hard. So, then I suggested that since "you" were the one to decide to move out and "you" were the one who volunteered so much money to your W who already made more than you did.....I felt (as a former WAW) that she would see your move back into the home as being very weak. I still think she would! If you moved back in b/c you could not meet the financial obligations that "you" offered when you left. I know that it would be a huge turn-off if it were my H. It would result in losing more respect instead of gaining it, b/c of the circumstances surrounding it. That is JMHO.
But if I remember correctly, that was the question and how you related it to me. Then you were talking about how it would confused the girls,etc. You kept bouncing it around until the whole thing got confusing for me.
Since that post, you have continued to talk about it and getting different POV from others....and adding that Sandi's advice was to "not" move back.
I sent a post earlier trying to respond to your last request here on my thread, but wasn't sure what it was you wanted my opinion on. Anyway, I don't think I make myself understood very well and maybe you just need to talk to a lawyer about your options and what would be best for your kids.
I do want to say this.....you started out talking about one thing, then it changed, then it changed again. You need to make sure you are either talking about moving back home to 1) save the M; 2)for financial reasons; or 3)for the sake of the kids.
Do you see why this became very frustrating and confusing? So, I'm not upset or anything, but I don't want you to mistake my advice, either.
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I didn't want to cause you harm or any newcomer.....so that is the reason for me wanting to try again to explain what my original advice started out being.
Take care.
_________________________ It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
My advice on all this would be to move back home because it's YOUR home and no one can force you out of it, you don't move back home because you can't make it on your own - that's weak, who could respect that, read this, how can you respect that yourself. Yes you can make it on your own, that isn't the issue, you're moving back home because it's your home and that where YOU WANT TO BE!
Forget about the financial reasons, you want to move back home because ITS YOUR HOME.
Interestingly, it's mostly the guys saying move home and ladies saying that moving home would make W hate me.
Yes. I made a mistake initially by moving out, but there's a couple of points I probably never made clear. The house is a huge burden on W. It's big, creaky, hard to keep up. So she's having to do all of that herself and she's running out of money. It's a major eye-opener for her.
My townhouse is nice. Easy to maintain. The girls are comfortable here. W told me back in September she's jealous of the place because it's laid out so much better.
I've worked really hard to build a life here for me and the girls. The way I read the DB rules you are supposed to show the WAW that you are moving on with your life and show them a confident, strong man.
Unless my attorney tells me Monday that I'm jeopardizing my chance at joint physical custody by having moved out, I'm staying put. I think this place has helped me tremendously in giving W the space and time she needs to miss me. I don't want to move home unless she asks me.
If that never happens -- so be it.
Robx, SMcQueen, I appreciate the input. I'm watching DDog, but I don't think that will work for me. In fact, I think it would wipe out the progress I've made on myself the past eight months. I'm starting to feel like the emotional attachment is starting to fade.
Another thing is that I get to see my girls every school day after school. So I'm not being deprived of time with them.
Me: 47, Ds 17-13, D final 6-11 http://tinyurl.com/yk4e2tz http://tiny.cc/thread2 http://tinyurl.com/ydtphqu http://tinyurl.com/thread4 http://tinyurl.com/3sm78k6 http://tinyurl.com/thread6
been back in the home now, on my second night. When I got home I unpacked my things and my D10 (who stayed overnight at her GF's house on Bat Sh@t night) was sitting on the couch drawing. I went to her hugged her and told her I had some good news, Dad was back staying in the house! I told her Mom and dad still have things to sort out, but I missed you kids so much, that I couldn't stay away any longer, I needed them and they needed their dad.... D10 jumps off the couch with huge wide eyes, jumps grabs on and hugs me for dear life ans tells me, "Dad, I love you so much!".... what a feeling..
Interesting day. A couple of friends called out of the blue to see how my marital situation is going. I spent about an hour catching them up. Thank God I have a flexible job and understanding boss.
About 4 p.m. daycare lady calls to ask me to talk to the girls. D7, the ADHD one, was chasing D10 around with a steak knife. D10 is a drama queen so she was beyond panic.
I diffused the situation and went over to pick them up at 5 p.m. since it's my night. We went out to eat because they've been couped up.
W called when we got home. She finally got to daycare lady's message -- I told her to call W to fill her in.
D7 was with me so I told her to talk to W. When they were done I went upstairs and called W to talk to her without D7.
From Oct. 22 to Christmas I was extremely short with W whenever we did talk -- quick to get off the phone and never stray off point.
I called back because I thought she'd want to talk about the incident some more and she did. D7 has been backsliding the past month. W hasn't been giving her protein in the morning, which is supposed to help ADHD kids.
That lasted for five minutes or so and when it was over I didn't rush her off the phone, I paused for a second and she jumped in saying, "people at work are driving me crazy." And then she filled me in on a couple of situations.
This is where there's a disconnect between the DB forum advice, LBS rules and DB counselor advice.
Many will say I'm allowing her to cake-eat, vent like I'm at home without being at home. Dottie told me to look for opportunities like this, where I can show her I'm listening and not trying to fix things, that I'm genuinely interested in her. That's a 180. Toward the end, I used to kind of shut these conversations down because W wouldn't take my advice. I was too stupid to realize she didn't want my advice, she just wanted to vent.
She hasn't been venting to me since October, which means she is venting to someone else.
By the end of the conversation, both girls were up in the room and laughing hilariously so W finally said, "well, I should let you go."
Me: 47, Ds 17-13, D final 6-11 http://tinyurl.com/yk4e2tz http://tiny.cc/thread2 http://tinyurl.com/ydtphqu http://tinyurl.com/thread4 http://tinyurl.com/3sm78k6 http://tinyurl.com/thread6
Steve, I get that feeling every time I see the girls. I am not worried about them loving me.
I still believe that day will come for me -- but only by working at it together.
If I just show up and say I've decided to move back in -- yes, the kids will love it at first -- but the risk is having to get used to it a second time when W moves out.
Every situation is different. I've considered everything the guys on here have said and I've considered everything I've gotten from the ladies.
I am comfortable with my decision and will continue to work on me.
Me: 47, Ds 17-13, D final 6-11 http://tinyurl.com/yk4e2tz http://tiny.cc/thread2 http://tinyurl.com/ydtphqu http://tinyurl.com/thread4 http://tinyurl.com/3sm78k6 http://tinyurl.com/thread6
