I can’t rationalize with the irrational and I am believing 50 % of what she says and does. DB is working. If this marriage doesn’t reconcile at least I will be a better father and a more solid person through this experience. I suppose that is what GAL is all about at this stage of the game. I am prepared for anything.
I couldnt agree more. Even if it is psychobabble... its working isnt it? lol. The last time that I saw my H, and how he hadnt changed at all, no improvements, no learning, just the same guy that he has always been, it was a major reality check, and my reality has become that I dont really want to be with somebody like him anymore! DBing may not have saved my marriage, but it definately saved my mind and made me a better person, and hopefully someday, a better W for my next M.
Sounds like it went well today, and it feels great to look good doesnt it?!
I guess I gave the wrong finger to the wrong man...
My daughter swam in college and I am a US swimming official. Do your kids swim?
As far as your sich goes the 180's are good but too much contact with the W. All that conversation is feeding her and giving her power. You need to validate and then cut it off.
As far as the mediation goes it sounds like she just wants someone to validate that she wants to divorce you. It will do no good. Do not agree to it until she wants to be married again.
You are on the right path. Just refine your technique a little.
I went home and showed up as the new me. My W was quiet at first then said, “Why did you get contacts and why did you get new clothes?” “Where have you been all day?” “Why didn’t you check in and tell me where you were?”
A: "I guess I didn't want to."
or
"I guess I no longer feel the need to."
The only thing I'd be careful of, is this one:
Quote:
I went over to the table and then she proceeded to raise her voice and tell me why I didn’t have the right to be running around town doing all these things for myself when I was needed at home. I said “ I didn’t know you felt that way. I thought you liked it when I wasn’t around”
That last part is bordering on what I call "needy/grabby." You don't want to make it look like you are doing the 180s and GALs to get a response out of her; you are doing them because -- for YOU -- they are The Right Thing to Do at this time.
But really, overall, you handled the whole day beautifully. Keep this up, and you WILL notice the whole dynamic suddenly change. Don't get me wrong -- her mood will alter between syrupy-sweet and fits of rage, as she tries various things to "get you back in your place," but it will definitely change!
The spell you W had on you has been broken and she can no longer control you. You still respect her, but you respect yourself MORE!
This quote is beautiful!
Originally Posted By: Junco
I want to read art of seduction too but am scared to order it directly to the house!
Can you order it to your work?
Originally Posted By: Tridoc
Her voice was still loud and high pitched. I told her that If I was going to continue with this conversation she would have to speak normally. I would not tolerate her yelling at me. I thought that it was disrespectful and that the kids were right there and could hear everything and I walked off.
She said “ I’m not done with you yet” I said “If you want to talk to me anymore you will do it in a civil manner and we will continue in private
The way you handled this is awesome!
Originally Posted By: Tridoc
Today I did I took the advice from those on this board and did the 180. I got off work fairly early and went to the optometrist and got contact lenses. I haven’t worn them for 18 years. Technology sure has changed, they are so much more comfortable now. I bought some Grecian formula to comb out the salt and pepper in the temple area of my hair, and then to Banana Republic to get some new updated clothing.
I used to be a college swimmer and I have taken pretty good care of myself over the years, so my physique hasn’t changed much from then. I suppose that is in my favor. I don’t have to work on losing weight or buffing up. Anyhow, I went to the gym and got in a good run on the treadmill then did a focused upper body workout. It was good to get in a guilt free workout.
After that, I had an appointment with my therapist for an hour, told him the good news about my moving back to the MB. Funny thing.....I didn’t get as much from him as I am getting from all of you in this forum. He seems to be just a “yes” man then I hand him the check. Thanks to all of you who have piped in on my thread and given me the courage to do this.
I went home and showed up as the new me. My W was quiet at first then said, “Why did you get contacts and why did you get new clothes?” “Where have you been all day?” “Why didn’t you check in and tell me where you were?” I answered all of her questions with polite short and succinct responses, then I got the kids together and we had dinner at the table and just talked about everyones day. My son said "don't get a tattoo." My W was silent.....I could tell she was getting so pissed. She refused to talk about her day.
After dinner she asked to have a word with me. I went over to the table and then she proceeded to raise her voice and tell me why I didn’t have the right to be running around town doing all these things for myself when I was needed at home. I said “ I didn’t know you felt that way. I thought you liked it when I wasn’t around” She spoke about the OM and the kids were right there. Her voice was still loud and high pitched. I told her that If I was going to continue with this conversation she would have to speak normally. I would not tolerate her yelling at me. I thought that it was disrespectful and that the kids were right there and could hear everything and I walked off.
She said “ I’m not done with you yet” I said “If you want to talk to me anymore you will do it in a civil manner and we will continue in private.” ......Well, we took it up in the garage apartment, which she has remodeled quite nicely. I commented “ you have done a great job with this place.” ....The conversation went on and on, then around and around. The same old thing over and over. It is all my fault... blah blah blah.... I can’t stand you..I want the kids full time and the 50/50 arrangement won’t work. “Well, I said “life isn’t fair and when you get divorced you have to learn to live with what cards that you are dealt,”
She had a bad day. She told me how bad it was with her crocodile tears, running here and there, taking the cats at the vet, kids misbehaving...on and on. “You should have been there to help”. I was sorry to hear about it, So I said “ how do you think life would be different if you were divorced?” ......Well she said,..... “you wouldn’t have come in all happy, with your new contacts and clothes, and on and on and ate the meal I prepared”.... Not much of an answer there. This change up definitely upset her and threw her into a tailspin.
Once the conversation started repeating itself I said “ I think we have said enough”. She still has doubts about the other woman that I contacted and I left her guessing. She says she wants a divorce and still feels trapped. Then she asked me if my therapist knew anyone who could mediate our issues.... I didn’t know what that meant..Lawyer?,Therapist? She didn’t elaborate. I’m not ready to mediate a divorce now. I think we need more time.
She says I speak like a politician now and all the books I read are psychobabble which were written on the first grade level. The sad fact is she hasn’t read one book on relationships or even made an effort to listen to or cooperate with a marriage counselor. She has her issues but blames her problems on me. Well, I’m not taking it anymore and she sees that now.
She sounds like my H. And that last bit reminds me of the Twisted Song ... "We're not gonna take... No, we ain't gonna take it...anymooooooore!" Haha. Tri, it sounds like you're getting your stride and yourself back and that is something worth more than gold. Kudos to you!
Thanks so much to all of you for the encouragement. I feel like I shook things up a lot yesterday. She is dealing with a lot of inner turmoil. However, she keeps repeating and maintains that she wants out of this marriage. She is so unhappy. I am subtlely trying to be the man she wants and will respect. Maybe she will wake up one day.
I am an Anesthesiologst. I see women come in for breast enhacements an other plastic surgery procedures after the divorce. I suppose if they had started to make these changes early in their marital displeasure, maybe the WAS would have woken up.
It's tough not to pitch in and help her. I did the dishes this morning before I left for work. She had to get the kids ready and go to work herself. It's a tough life being a single mom.
She said last night that she is embarrased about what others think of her and wants to move out of state with my kids. ...Never in a million years!
Me:49 W: 41 Kids=D14/D14/S10 Married: 15 Together: 16 Bomb: 08/26/09 Currently: separated but in the different houses.
Hey Doc... I have kids the same age, and my H works out of town during the week. I automate research labs (pharma, govt, univ) for a living. She can handle the kids/work thing. Women were born to multi-task. Keep taking care of YOU!
Me-46, D-21, S15, S13
After many years w/my head in the sand... I FILED Divorced 6/2011
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
Even if it is psychobabble... its working isnt it? lol. The last time that I saw my H, and how he hadnt changed at all, no improvements, no learning, just the same guy that he has always been, it was a major reality check, and my reality has become that I dont really want to be with somebody like him anymore! DBing may not have saved my marriage, but it definately saved my mind and made me a better person, and hopefully someday, a better W for my next M. 
