I would first validate, saying something like "I'm sure it was difficult; I understand that you're angry/(feel blindsided/whatever)." And then if she tries to discuss ANY detail of what you are seeking in the pleadings, say "I think it would be best if that was worked out by our lawyers."
As cold as it sounds, at this point it is BUSINESS. Best to leave that for the attorneys who get paid to handle it.
My wife was really upset when I had her served. I chose to have her served at the gym -- her place of employment, and also OM's, and at which their affair had been at least partially conducted. I felt that was appropriate, and I also didn't want our sons upset by a sheriff coming to do the door and then seeing their mother potentially very upset. I heard a few hours later from my father-in-law, who said that she had indeed been served, and that she was upset, but he also seemed to understand.
It's like firing an employee -- it's NEVER going to be "good," but there are better ways than other to handle it.
I also chose -- after months of "no R talks/letters" -- to write my wife the following letter, which I left for her on her dresser:
July 18, 2007
(Wife),
I’m extremely saddened and disappointed that our marriage has come to this, but I must move on with my life. The lack of affection over the past 15+ years – and especially the last 5 – has drained away much of my love for you, and your choices these last two months have now snuffed out what was left.
You’re obviously no longer happy in our marriage either.
As you know it was NOT my desire to divorce, but I can now exit our marriage with a clean conscience, knowing that I gave it everything I had to try and save it. While you may not have agreed with my tactics or the way I handled some of my efforts, I did, nevertheless, give great effort, and I hope you will realize one day that everything I did, I did to try and save our marriage, protect our children, and keep our family intact.
I have no regrets.
And I will continue to fight for what I believe is in their best interests, as well as to protect myself.
I must now move on. As much as I WANTED to be married to you, I realize now that I no longer NEED to be, nor can I, knowing how you feel about me and knowing the things that you’ve chosen to do. I do pray that you’ll find whatever it is you’re looking for, and that you’ll do it in a safe and healthy way and somehow allow God to be in the middle of it. I do very much still care for you, and genuinely want you to be happy.
