Hope and heartache

[ClingingToHope]

Thanks Sandi. I'm not moving home unless it's part of the R process. Others brought it up and I only slightly considered it because I was trying to think if there was any way of undoing my past mistake of moving out. Those cards have been dealt and just showing up at home would give the girls false hope and do permanent damage.

The bank accounts? Way back when I moved out she wanted to close all of our joint accounts. I told her that would mean she'd have to go to the bank to deposit anything I gave her instead of me just transferring it in.

It never came up again. Instead, I opened another account at a different bank and she opened a new single account at that bank. I'm not sure how that works for her, if she's allowed to transfer money from a joint to a single account through the Internet access.

I will not bring it up to her. She'll have to bring it up to me. I'm prepared to close the joint account now if she wants. Long ago I decided to stop resisting any efforts she has in separating because it makes me look weak and clingy.

I thought Christmas went well because I was up, happy, interacted well with her family. I did extend two invitations to things she turned down, but then she invited me to two things -- even if the second one may have had to do a little bit with logistics.

So looking back at last week, I've accomplished some things.

1) The end of negative feelings. There hasn't been any cross words or arguments since the girls were sick back in October.

2) Good impressions. When we've seen each other I've been up, happy to see the girls, happy to see the dog even.

3) Appearance of strength. I can't climb into her head, but I have a nice setup at my townhouse. Have the second jobs to help with my money issues and am back working out since the hernia and tooth implant surgeries slowed me up in October.

The last thing is for me. I'm trying not to let all of the things above be a show and be real. The first couple of months out of the house I was just angry and bitter and figured it wouldn't be long before she begged to have me back.

From about month three to six, I was taking the relationship classes and learning a lot and feeling like I was making some positive changes. Then I went on a six-week streak there where I lost focus and really backslid on some personal demons.

Perhaps it was the hernia surgery and not being able to be as active or just the winter blues setting in.

I feel better this week, stronger. Perhaps it's the realization that I'll have saved enough to file for the D by the end of February and I won't feel so helpless or scared.