You're right, Nut. I like that I can always count on your replies. Thanks.
Reading through other threads on here, I'm realizing how typical my situation really is. I think I need to broaden my perspective a bit. I'm anguished week to week by this crap, and then I read on here about people in the same situation as me, and worse, who have been DBing for a year or more.
It makes me wonder if filing is a proper step. I think my W is relaxed and not moving her feet on anything because she has better perspective (even if in an insane way). She is in no hurry, she has a dbag to enchant her and a H who is pretty darn good, and a good father. And I'm scurrying, moment to moment it seems, thinking about every detail involved, crunching numbers and scenarios, anticipating moves, etc. Its so exhausting.
I feel like Jack N's character in "As Good As It Gets," where he is in the restaurant and puts his head in his hands, mumbling, "this is exhausting being like this!"
Reading through other threads on here, I'm realizing how typical my situation really is. I think I need to broaden my perspective a bit. I'm anguished week to week by this crap, and then I read on here about people in the same situation as me, and worse, who have been DBing for a year or more.
There really is a continuum of people here, ranging from the infinitely patient to the impatient. Unfortunately, you don't find out where you fall on the continuum until you are on the other side of the situation. There is no perfect way to do this, nor is there any guaranteed outcome. I guess the point is to come out of the situation a stronger and more grounded person than when you went in, no matter what the outcome.
Originally Posted By: Norseman05
It makes me wonder if filing is a proper step. I think my W is relaxed and not moving her feet on anything because she has better perspective (even if in an insane way). She is in no hurry, she has a dbag to enchant her and a H who is pretty darn good, and a good father. And I'm scurrying, moment to moment it seems, thinking about every detail involved, crunching numbers and scenarios, anticipating moves, etc. Its so exhausting.
I feel like Jack N's character in "As Good As It Gets," where he is in the restaurant and puts his head in his hands, mumbling, "this is exhausting being like this!"
That's because you're still defining success in this situation based on what she does. Once you let go of the outcome of your marriage and concentrate on what is right for Norse and the mini-Norses, it will become clearer. I've seen you write a couple of times "I do not want a divorce." I have not seen you describe what you do want. What does it look like? How does the person you married fit into that? What would she (or you) need to do to achieve that goal. Once you answer that question, you can get to work on your end. If she comes around, great. If she doesn't, she probably didn't fit in the first place.
-to be a more patient man -to be an even better father -to be a more spiritual man -to get in the best shape of my life -to be financially independent and out from under my wife's debts
Maybe that's a start.
My wife found a way today to take out 3 K from my biz account (it was in there because it had a hold on it bc it was a deposit...so I was waiting daily (and checking) to be able to transfer it to my private account. As of this morning, I wasn't able to...and then she took it). Im pissed at myself, though there was nothing I could do. She supposedly had her attorney meeting today. Maybe it was for a retainer. I don't know.
I've retained my attorney. He is checking on her status tomorrow morning.
I am so tired of this. She gets uglier and more immature by the day. And she's going to come pick up the kids tomorrow and be all smiley and fake. Actually, she'll do it before I get home, so she doesn't have to talk to me.
Any words of wisdom or pick me ups welcome. I'm bleeding money here to this woman. Going to obviously open new accounts at a new bank that she does not friggin work at.
My wife found a way today to take out 3 K from my biz account (it was in there because it had a hold on it bc it was a deposit...so I was waiting daily (and checking) to be able to transfer it to my private account. As of this morning, I wasn't able to...and then she took it). Im pissed at myself, though there was nothing I could do. She supposedly had her attorney meeting today. Maybe it was for a retainer. I don't know.
Is her name on the account? If so, there's probably nothing you can do about it. If her name is not on the account, you could make a stink at the bank. The latter might result in her being fired or even having criminal charges against her. Talk to your attorney about the best course of action. I have to believe that a pending theft charge would look bad in a custody hearing.
Originally Posted By: Norseman05
I am so tired of this. She gets uglier and more immature by the day. And she's going to come pick up the kids tomorrow and be all smiley and fake. Actually, she'll do it before I get home, so she doesn't have to talk to me.
Even if you were there you would be a more patient man, a better father, a more spiritual man and in better shape. You would handle seeing her with strength and dignity.
Originally Posted By: Norseman05
Any words of wisdom or pick me ups welcome. I'm bleeding money here to this woman. Going to obviously open new accounts at a new bank that she does not friggin work at.
Coach will tell you to "embrace the suck," because it's going to suck for awhile. If 3 Gs is the most expensive mistake you make in this process, you'll be getting off easy. You have learned a lesson about her ethics, one that you won't forget.
Knowing her willingness to act unethically, you need to be very careful in your interactions with her. Anything you say or do can be taken out of context and twisted to make you look abusive or like less of a father.
Right now, my words of encouragement are: Be honorable; be fair; be kind (not a doormat, but humane); be strong and know that you will get through this.
UPDATE: She showed up at my door at 7:45 tonight and said "I'm home." Apparently, her lawyer advised her to move in again. This is a nightmare. I don't want her here. She's even being schmarmy about it while talking about how she wants an amicable dissolution, and she that she thinks we can be friends in the end when all is said and done. She wants everything back like it was, and I said no to that. It feels like
Is that called cake eating? This is turning into a spectacle I could never have imagined.
My issue is this: She wants everything to move along quickly and smoothly. I don't think she's in her right mind to start with. I want the affair to have time to die before I even think about negotiating an end to my marriage.
I'm feeling panicky about this. I don't know if my serving her with papers immediately makes things worse or better. I don't want her at home as is. Second, I want the affair done.
The attorneys do NOT like when you move out. It makes it harder for them. Mine had me in tears before I left her office.
It is possible that you could talk your wife into moving back out if you had some kind of signed agreement...so she knows you won't screw her over because she left.
Oh crap. I bet she wants to take you to the cleaners. Talk to your lawyer immediately. You need to be ready to play hard ball. I doubt you can use the law to force her to leave.
Be polite, civil and humane with her. You do not want to be baited into a yelling match or any sort of confrontation that she could twist into a claim of abuse. This doesn't mean kiss her a$$, but rather state your boundaries curteously in a matter of fact tone. This is also a chance to document all of her behavior. If she stays out late (and she will), make a note of it. Document everything she does, and keep your journal in a place where she can't access it. This will require discipline, but think of it like your medical notes.
I am intrigued by her unauthorized transfer of funds from your business account. If she committed an illegal act, that could give you some leverage...even more if dbag might be connected to it. Consult your attorney and open your checkbook.
Seek out Puppy Dog Tails. He is about the best at dealing with wayward unfaithful spouses.
I am very sorry you find yourself in this situation.
Re: the unauthorized withdrawal, she said two different things about it when she returned:
1. "I did that just to piss you off!" (because I've been transferring money)
2. "Oh that was a mistake. I was joking with the teller and she thought I wanted her to really take the money out. It'll get put back tomorrow."
I wonder if my leverage wanes if I don't file quickly. I mean, the longer I have her back in the house (isn't that insane to have to say about your wife?!) the more it seems to look like she wants to be here. She was gone for about a month, heard from her maybe twice a week.
