Flushing the toxins from my life

[CountingCrows]

I had hoped and prayed that I'd never have to start a thread on this StBD forum, but here I am.

Long story short, I found out W had been having a PA on July 4, 2009. W and OM promised to cut off all contact and W was making appearance that she was trying to work on M. I discovered months later that they had never discontinued said affair. W moved out and left me and S7. A week ago, I found out and confirmed with W that she had actually had MULTIPLE PAs (5+) behind my back over the past 2.5 years, and that she is still having sex with the current OM.

Details

As much as I still love this woman, and as much as I thought I could get past her current PA, if it ended, she has crossed far too many of my boundaries of personal integrity and I will not be able to trust her again. The years of lies, deceit, disrespect and betrayal are simply too much.

I am retaining a lawyer this afternoon, and filing for D with the intentions of gaining full-custody of S7, keeping the house (no equity) and splitting our debt down the middle. She will likely be served later this week. I'm very nervous about the whole thing, as I have only had a week to adjust my mindset from trying everything to save this marriage, to terminating it as quickly as possible so that I can move on with my life. I'm not doing this out of vengeance or malice, but because I know that it's the right thing to do for myself and S7. I know that D will not stop the pain, but it will allow my mind to accept WHAT IS, and allow closure to follow.

I have no clue what W's reaction will be when she receives the papers. She does not have any financial resources to hire a lawyer, but I expect that she will resist giving up 1/2 custody despite the fact that she doesn't have any means to support our son, and the fact that she knows in her heart that the best things for S7 would be to live full-time with me. I won't attempt to keep W from having a relationship with S7, and will make sure she has fair visitation.

I know how bad this is going to hurt W, both mentally and financially. It will be devastating to her. It pains me GREATLY to know this, as I love this woman like no other partner I've ever had. But I'm not the one hurting her...these are merely the consequences of the decisions that she has made in her life, and it's finally time for her to face these consequences.

Please pray for me, my precious son and even my W as we embark on this new chapter of our lives.

[iwantittowork]

Ugh..

CC, it pains me to see you here, but I understand from reading up on your thread why you have moved here.

Just today I have read some posts from many people contemplating moving to StBD, and that is heartbreaking in some respects, but also know that most people are working on positive changes for themselves, and that is what counts.

I will keep a thought for you, and hope for the best.

It will be a roller coaster, as I see you have not had as much time to work on this and yourself, so keep that in mind, and try to stay positive as you can.

[Gypsy]

Hello Counting Crows..

Meeting with an attorney is always a good thing, especially when it comes to knowing your legal rights as well as that of your spouse's. I figure if you promised something, like the 'allowance' you keep your word. Many time great rejoinders or things said in spite come back to bite you in the ass. Only poke the bear if needed.

What you want to happen versus what's the norm can be two different stories. Having a log of her visitations and interactions is a great factual piece of evidence which no one can argue.

This will be a huge smack in the face for her. Maintain your integrity, let the lawyer do his/her job and look at the big picture. No one wins in divorce. The trick is not to lose everything over something so emotionally and financially devastating.

And know the progression.. mediation, mediation with a lawyer to suggest and review the settlement, collaborative law where the lawyers try to negotiate the settlement and trial. Each step on the rung is increasingly expensive. The sooner the divorce is completed, the better. Less opportunity to lose all your money and best bet to have a better post divorce interaction.

Merry Leftover Christmas.. and a Happy New Year of new beginnings.

*hugs*

[Gnosis]

I am retaining a lawyer this afternoon, and filing for D with the intentions of gaining full-custody of S7,

Do what is best for yourself and your son.

I'm very nervous about the whole thing, as I have only had a week to adjust my mindset from trying everything to save this marriage, to terminating it as quickly as possible so that I can move on with my life.

We're more or less on the same time-line for the mindset change. The only difference is that I retained legal counsel from the day the bomb dropped and have taken the time to prepare myself legally. It's going to take time to adjust so take the time to mourn your loss. Don't fight the anger but find a way to channel it into something constructive... like exercise.

I know that D will not stop the pain, but it will allow my mind to accept WHAT IS, and allow closure to follow.

Glad you realize it. You're doing what you need to do.

I have no clue what W's reaction will be when she receives the papers. She does not have any financial resources to hire a lawyer,

Not your problem. She shoulda thunk about it before spreading her legs for anutha.

but I expect that she will resist giving up 1/2 custody despite the fact that she doesn't have any means to support our son, and the fact that she knows in her heart that the best things for S7 would be to live full-time with me.

Sorry to burst your bubble here CC, but the courts are mostly on the woman's side of D. Don't be surprised if you're ordered to pay Child Support. And since you're on the market to retain a lawyer MAKE SURE that the one you hire is BIG on men's rights. Those guys have a bug up their a$$es and will fight FOR you in any way possible.

I know how bad this is going to hurt W, both mentally and financially. It will be devastating to her.

Again, this is not your problem. Her actions have brought this upon her.

It pains me GREATLY to know this, as I love this woman like no other partner I've ever had. But I'm not the one hurting her...these are merely the consequences of the decisions that she has made in her life, and it's finally time for her to face these consequences.

Yup, consequences. It's your duty now to make sure that you get the best deal for your son and yourself. It's time to look out for Numero Uno and Numbero Uno Jr.

You can't afford to waste anymore emotions on her now.

Please pray for me, my precious son and even my W as we embark on this new chapter of our lives.

Will do.

[CountingCrows]

Well, I did it. I retained a D lawyer today. Gave him lots of details regarding assets, debts and current custody/visitation since W left. Also gave him a $hitload of money for a retainer. I have to complete a bunch more forms with more details and fax them back to him and he will file tomorrow. The lawyer seems to really know his stuff, and definitely is pro fathers-rights, particularly in my sitch.

The likelihood of getting everything I'm asking for (Sole Custody, marital home, my debts only, no maintenance) will depend on whether or not W tries to fight me. When filing, the state requires lawyer to include CS to me from W, based on a schedule (even though she only makes min. wage). However, I don't have to demand it from her, and I don't plan on asking her for it as long as she cooperates. They don't garnish wages here unless complaint it made from the recipient.

I will continue to pay her health/medical/dental insurance until the D is final, which the lawyer says is more than enough considering all the things I've continued to finance since she left S7 and I. He said I absolutely shouldn't pay her any more "allowance" regardless of any arrangement we had made before.

The truck she is driving is mine. It's in my name and the loan is mine. She can't buy me out, due to lack of financial resources, so it will be written into the order that she is to pay me for truck payment and insurance each month. If she is late or fails to pay, she will be legally obligated to relinquish the truck with no additional order.

Went to my insurance company today and had my beneficiary changed so that my parents would receive anything from it as trustees for S7 when he is no longer a minor.

Gotta make dinner and calm down a bit. Tough day.

[Awoken]

Thanks for the update; I was thinking about your appointment with L and just logged in to see what happened.

Sounds like you got a good L that you are confident in. I hope you get everything you want/deserve. After reading your post carefully, it sounds like you have a good plan for treating W fairly, ie medical and truck, and CS.

I hope you (and S7) are doing ok.

[CountingCrows]

I really am trying to do this with dignity and self-respect. I'm not doing this out of malice or resentment. It really is what I feel is best for S7 and myself. I was pretty impressed with L. He respects my wishes to not break out with the "big guns" up front which could probably destroy any possibility of civility between W and I, but he also recognizes that he's got a lot to work with should she put up a fight, and is willing to play hardball if necessary. He seems to know his stuff. Of the list of questions I had for him (based on a lot of threads here), he had already covered 95% of them before I had a chance to ask at the end of our meeting.

The visitation schedule as it will be filed is pretty lean, only one overnight visit every other weekend. However, I really do want W to be a part of S7's life, if that's what she chooses. She tells me how much she misses him and regrets the time lost with him. So far, her actions have contradicted her words. W has never called S7 to say goodnight since she left, didn't want him on Christmas, or even call to talk to him that day (it had been 1 week since she had last seen/spoken to him) and has cancelled numerous sleepovers/visitation opportunities in the past two months. But if she really wants to spend quality time him, I will work with her to allow it in between the written schedule within reason. I'm not trying to take her child away from her, I simply want what's best for S7.

I can only hope and pray that I can help her see it this way. On top of being best for S7, it's what's best for W. She wants to go back to school and train for a career that doesn't involve pouring beers or waiting tables. Due to her limited income, she can get grants for an education once the D is final. She wants out of all the debt that she's incurred over the years, which she will be able to bankrupt and wipe out (wish I could!). She wants her "exciting" life and independence, which she will have in abundance. W will have a chance to focus on her mental illness and her lack of self-esteem/respect. She will have an opportunity to start her life over and make something of herself...step up, grow up and become the person that SHE can love and respect. I want that for W. I truly want her to be happy with her life. Whether or not she will do these things is totally in her hands. She has to want it for herself.

[musclegal]

Encouraging your son to have a relationship with your wife will be really important to him--and to you, over the long run. I just read the book "Second Chances". It is so sad what these kids have to go through when a parent ignores them or doesn't care about their feelings and emotions. I hope that your W sees that her son is HER responsibility and she will have a huge impact on his future maturity and emotional stability.

Its funny to see how long folks will put up with bad behavior. For me, it was 7 months. Others seem to draw the line at a year. But I guess you could go on and on and on. I actually think that any marriage can be saved if you both want to save it. But if one person doesn't, the other can't do all the work. Its just not possible. My neighbor just told me that HER husband had an affair years ago. They worked through it and are a really beautiful couple. But it takes two grown ups to do it...sounds like your W is still an adolescent.

[Awoken]

She will have an opportunity to start her life over and make something of herself...step up, grow up and become the person that SHE can love and respect. I want that for W. I truly want her to be happy with her life. Whether or not she will do these things is totally in her hands. She has to want it for herself.

Thanks for posting this CC. I'm keeping this post for myself, to help focus where I want to be.

[CountingCrows]

Encouraging your son to have a relationship with your wife will be really important to him--and to you, over the long run.

I agree. I really believe that kids were intended to be raised by both parents and when one parent doesn't accept that responsibility, I think it really affects them. I will continue to encourage both S7 and W to establish a relationship outside of our marriage, for both of their sakes.

But it takes two grown ups to do it...sounds like your W is still an adolescent.

Nail...head!