Trying LRT - Please Help!

[motherof3]

Was I really that blind or did I need to be a mind reader? The answer for me is probably somewhere in between.

Unfortunately for me, I believe I was really that blind. In hindsight, H tried to tell me. He just wasn't speaking my language. Either that or we should have invested in an interpretor.

I will keep an eye out for you new post.

Journaling: Well, shoveled the drive for the 4th time in two days. My back hurts. Must not have used the knees properly. I tried to look pitiful when scooping, hoping that some of the neighbors would come to my aid. But no, after all, they are not mind readers. And I am too stubborn to ask. For all of my complaining, I kind of enjoyed the manual labor. It was a mindless task, but my body isn't thanking me right now.

This afternoon I was brave and decided to drag all three kids out to go sledding. Getting them to walk the three or so blocks to the hill was easy. Getting them back home was a different story. It was very similar to walking uphill both ways in two feet of snow without shoes on.... I had to carry two of the three back while pushing and prodding the other one to keep going. By the time we reached the front door all three of them were crying. We all had fun sledding. I probably should have not caved when they wanted to go down the hill one last time. I am certainly tired. I can't image how their little legs held up for so long. I got them into a hot bath and shower and filled them up with hot cocoa. They certainly didn't complain about having to go to bed tonight.

I was extremely disappointed that I didn't get to spend Christmas with my family (due to the weather). As this was my holiday with the kids. This coming weekend H is taking the kids to celebrate Christmas with his family. His family lives about 1 1/2 hours further drive than mine and is on the way. Long story short, I asked H if he would consider driving back from his family celebration one day early and dropping the kids off at my family. That way I could meet up with the kids there and catch up with everyone. To my surprise he said yes. H said that would actually work out better for him. No change in our sitch, but I am thrilled that I will actually get to spend time with my family before they all head home.

On a sad note, my BIL's wife's Uncle passed away yesterday while shoveling snow in his driveway. BIL's college roommate from 5 years ago also passed away suddenly yesterday. MIL called to tell me. I was thinking about sending a sympathy card to BIL. Any reason I shouldn't? I don't think so, as it is something I would typically do anyway. But thought I should check with you all first.

[givingitmyall]

On a sad note, my BIL's wife's Uncle passed away yesterday while shoveling snow in his driveway. BIL's college roommate from 5 years ago also passed away suddenly yesterday. MIL called to tell me. I was thinking about sending a sympathy card to BIL. Any reason I shouldn't? I don't think so, as it is something I would typically do anyway. But thought I should check with you all first.

I don't see anything wrong with this if this is something you would have done in the past.

Good deal that you get to spend a late Christmas with your family.

[motherof3]

I had a bad day today. I just wanted to stay in bed, under the covers, wishing for better days again, and cry. But instead I headed off to work. Now I am back home and want to crawl under the covers again.

Would someone please remind me that I won't always feel this way? That I won't always feel broken, torn and rejected.

Pain, agony, despair. Poor pitiful me.

[mindfull]

Mother of 3 -

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T3064dD-qGQ

Just an attempt to cheer you up

[motherof3]

Thanks MF. I cracked a smile.

[Gardener]

mo3,

So here it goes. I hope I haven’t infringed on any of Smartcookie’s copyrights.
Once upon a time, not so long ago, a man lay in bed wondering who he was and how he had gotten to this point. He is desperately unhappy and in a fog. He needed so much more from her. He tried in his own way to fix things, but the effort was to no avail. Two people co-existing. He couldn’t talk to her. She was too self absorbed. She seemed content to focus solely on the kids, work, and managing the house.

He stumbled through his days, crossing them off in the calendar. Wondering how much longer he could live this way. Did she not see his unhappiness? He wondered; are the kids better off with single happy parents, or with two parents that co-exist? The torment was eating him alive. What to do?

By now, he wasn’t sleeping; wasn’t eating. He was slowly dying inside. He desperately wanted, needed to be loved, appreciated, and noticed. He wanted it to be over; he wanted the pain to stop. Every time he looked at his wife, it reminded him of the pain; the pain that was consuming him. He placed his heart in a box and vowed never to take it out for her again.

She has finally noticed. There was pain for her too. He says that he is done. I will always love you he says. But I will never be in love with you again. Now she is fully awake and out of her fog. She is scared. She had no idea how bad he hurt. She thought things could be fixed. For him it came down to two choices. Stay in an unhappy marriage or start the process of ending it. He moved out and she woke up. He didn’t care. It was too late. He was numb.

She says she’ll change; she’ll do anything to try and work things out. He doesn’t believe her. People don’t change. And if they do, there is no guarantee the changes will last. He is numb. His heart is safely in that box. She tries, he watched. She tries some more, she hopes that he is watching. She is dying now. He is numb. Now she wants the pain to stop. He is numb. He wonders why things had to go this far before she would hear him. Now he doesn’t want to talk to her. He is numb. Talking to her reminds him of how much he used to hurt. At least he doesn’t hurt now. He’s numb.

She tries some more, he can see she is making changes. He is so scared to take his heart out of that dusty box. Numb is so much safer. Does she know how hard it is for him? Sometimes she tries to push him. He’s doing his best. She wants more from him at times. He can’t bring himself to give more. He’s doing his best. He is numb.

Wow. Very insightful on your part. Change the genders, remove the at-home kids and you just gave me a compassionate peek inside Mrs. Gardener's pre-bomb soul.

[givingitmyall]

I had a bad day today. I just wanted to stay in bed, under the covers, wishing for better days again, and cry. But instead I headed off to work. Now I am back home and want to crawl under the covers again.

Would someone please remind me that I won't always feel this way? That I won't always feel broken, torn and rejected.

Pain, agony, despair. Poor pitiful me.

Everyone's entitled to a bad day every now and then. No, of course you won't feel this way always. Each day, you will get stronger.

Can you pinpoint why you are feeling the way you do right now? It's usually some fear that is based on an unreasonable belief.

[Gardener]

I had a bad day today.

I'm sorry.

I just wanted to stay in bed, under the covers, wishing for better days again, and cry. But instead I headed off to work.

Good for you.

Now I am back home and want to crawl under the covers again.

Now that you're home after reluctantly, but admirably, attending to your work obligations, why don't you? You earned it today. Comfort yourself.

Would someone please remind me that I won't always feel this way? That I won't always feel broken, torn and rejected.

You won't. You won't. We heal. We gain perspective. We regain ourselves. Often when we don't even try. It happens. Most (all) of what I did DB-wise did not work. Perhaps it was never going to. But much of what I didn't do, happened to me. I tried detachment, acceptance and so much more to little or no avail. When I stopped trying so hard, they happened.

Pain, agony, despair. Poor pitiful me.

I understand. Perfectly normal. If it becomes chronic, though, woman, you'd better get off your arse and give yourself the gift of knocking it off. A pity party or two is cathartic. A pity party life won't cut it. You know that. You are more than that. You are better than that. You deserve better- from you.
My (((hugs))) to you are waiting under those covers you're going to curl up under - but just for tonight, now.

[rockedworld]

((((Mo3)))),
Those days are so hard. Kudos to you that you made it to work. You are surviving, and you WILL survive, and eventually more than that. You will live again, and thrive. You will. I know it doesn't feel like that now, but you will. Your life is not dependent on this sitch or on H.
There will be better days. But, in the meantime, lots of hugs your way!
Rocked

[Super Girl]

(((Mo3)))

Gloria Gaynor says, YOU WILL SURVIVE! lol

Coach says, YOU CAN HANDLE IT!

Hang in there, girlfriend.