Looking for my new normal

[SpyBunny]

I'm sorry I sounded pissy- I didn't mean to. This is just so embarrassing to talk to anyone about.

[soleil]

Spy, no need to apologize for how you are feeling. You've been through the ringer with your sitch.

I will say it again and again, your H wanting to watch you with other men and inviting it is NOT the norm.

You shouldn't feel bad or guilty that you've been through this. It's not your thinking, it's his.

Hopefully the IC will call you back soon with the good news of an opening time spot!

That sucks. I love the dial 911 if this is an emergency. My IC has the same message. Often wondered if anyone actually calls 911 when they can't get into see their IC.

Haha. That is a funny thought.

[SpyBunny]

Right now I feel like I can't move. Can't talk to anyone about any specifics about why I left, or even that I did leave. H was upset when I told a friend/neighbor that I had moved out because I was "broadcasting" the news- "they'll tell all the other neighbors and all the parents in the show choir..." I thought I was letting a friend know where they could find me. Is it really a big secret that I left so that only immediate family and very close friends know? I know announcing on FB or anything like that is tacky and broadcasting, but telling my neighbor? I'm sure the immediate neighbor next door is wondering where my car is and why they don't see me leave in the morning anymore- I always waved to them as they stood with the kids at the bus-stop.

I got a gift card at Christmas- I'm taking myself shopping for new sheets/comforter set for my bed so I have something pretty on it (I'm sorry Grandma, I appreciate the extra comforter but it looks like something from a hospital), and taking myself to dinner.

[SDFoundGirl]

Right now I feel like I can't move. Can't talk to anyone about any specifics about why I left, or even that I did leave. H was upset when I told a friend/neighbor that I had moved out because I was "broadcasting" the news- "they'll tell all the other neighbors and all the parents in the show choir..."

Okay...ummm...got a question for you:

WHO CARES? Who cares what H thinks? The only thing that matters is what BUNNY wants to do. If you have friends, if you want people to know where to find you, then TELL THEM. EFF H.

To paraphrase my very wise nephew, H is NOT the boss of you.

Every time you worry about what H will think, I want you to stop, ask yourself, "What do *I* want/need/desire?" And if it leads you to the original idea, then think:

"EFF what H thinks. Bunny wants ___________."

For a time, just to get you to break the habit of screening your every thought and move by what your H wants, I think ANY time your H comes to mind, you should go ahead and say out loud (if you're alone...or not :

EFF H!

The reason your H is pushing your boundaries and not freaking out is because he sees you as the same old Bunny. He thinks he's going to lure you back and make you do exactly what you've always done and give him his way. It's time to break the pattern, because honey, it's the only way you'll end up in a healthy R, with or without your H.

Do you know about Meetup.com? It saved me when I was going through this with H. I'm really shy, but I pushed myself to go to some meetups and meet people. I joined a dinner and a movie group, a walking group, a sushi group, etc. I had a great time. And as long as you stay away from the party groups, you'll have a chance to form friendships that are a lot healthier than the swingers you know.

Hang in there!

SD

[soleil]

I agree with SD... Who cares what H thinks? You have the right to broadcast it toa nyone you want and you yhave chosen only to tell close friends & family which I think is commendable. Telling your neighbor prob isn't a big deal since they notice you aren't living there anymore.

You don't have to tell anyone you don't want to as much as you CAN tell whoever you want. Don't let him get in your head, Spy. It's like he's manipulating you not to say anything cause he knows if people knew what he's been doing/the way he's behaved, he'd lose the mask of cool (the mask to the outside world).

Treat yourself to new linens. Nothing better than going to a bed with super comfy sheets.

[SpyBunny]

SD-
I'm checking into the meetup.com, thank you. I hadn't heard of it before. Sounds just like what I need.

I got the new bed linens- yay! I can't wait to put them on- black/white floral print comforter (very pretty but not girl-y), black sheets and a white blanket. I am getting sleep deprived- can't get myself in bed at a decent hour and then can't stay asleep. So maybe I can get to sleep better if I actually *want* to be in my bed. I hated that comforter from Grandma. (Turns out Mom got it for her when she first went into the nursing home- no wonder I thought "bland hospital" when I saw it!) I'll bet sleep is probably a part of my moodiness right now.

[SpyBunny]

I also called a friend I hadn't talked to for a long time to ask her about meeting for dinner or a glass of wine. She wasn't home, but her husband will give her the message to call me back tomorrow. But I made that call- that's a start!

[Gardener]

Right now I feel myself being pulled all sorts of directions.
*I have what's familiar but it's not healthy (emotionally or physically) and that's the easy route

The hard, difficult (and right) route is the one wherein growth lies.

*I need to start something new and healthier and I don't really know how to get started in that direction

Oh, I'll bet one or two things pop to mind. Pick one. Do it.

*just isolating myself is an option but not a healthy one either.

Damn straight. Get out and do something. Get out and do nothing. Get out. Get out of your self and your comfort zone. As ideas and options occur to you, see which one is the scariest, the most uncomfortable. That'll be the one to choose. And therein will lie growth and such a sense of accomplishment after you do it and say to yourself, "say, that wasn't as bad as I expected/dreaded. In fact, it feels good."

Am I being too vague here? Can't read your mind, y'know.

Go, Bunny, go.

I do need help...

With what exactly? Think about it. Tell us. We're here to help.

[Gardener]

Someone else mentioned on her thread that her H noticed some guy checking her out and it bothered him.

Such things always flattered me (I alone am privileged to have what others covet) Unless, of course it got overt. Then I was very protective, territorial and would make my displeasure known in NO uncertain terms.

Mine would have said instead "he's checking you out. what do you think- you want him? go say hi..." He's not jealous, he's happy to share use, exploit, belittle.

[iwantittowork]

Hey Bunny, how are you today?

But I made that call- that's a start!

Yes! I am so happy to see you post this. Baby steps at time's is what it can take. Or how's about we call them Bunny steps!

I know you're probably feeling alone, and your self esteem has been battered for years. It's going to feel unnatural to start doing things for yourself, fear or rejection, will people want to even be around me, etc, etc. All understandable and completely natural right now.

As you push through them and the thoughts that may hold you back right now, and take these new steps, you are going to find some great people, friendships, and strong healthy relationships, and you will look back at these bunny steps with great pride.

I am constantly amazed by the people I meet and interact with, new friends, including people on this board, such as yourself, and know you will find the same.

People who see you as the great person you are, and accept you just as you are are going to bring you strength to take the next bunny step on your journey.

You have a great future in front of you!

((((((((Bunnny))))))))))